Beyond Milk - Carmen Pagor - IBCLC

15/05/2021

Orla is 4 today. This little miraculous human brings a lot of joy and is becoming a fierce feminist already. Her birth showed me how valuable having a doula could be. Her birth was one of the main reasons I started to train as a doula alongside my IBCLC work. Her birth was awesome and repaired so much in myself and our family from the care we experienced with my first baby. My beautiful doula for her birth was and she brought so much strength to my pregnancy and birth which I will be always grateful for. She also brought a lot of humour exactly when it was needed, definitely the labour I have laughed most in. I always said I would remember the jokes we shared during the labour but I can’t remember any, just the way I felt which I suppose is the main thing. So happy birthday to Orla, happy birthing day to me. And thanks to for giving me the space to grow in to a doula.

09/04/2021

What a morning to be out. Spring has returned! 2 bikes, 1 pram, 2 dogs, 3 kids. Ice creams for bribes and a 6 ft log carried for the last stretch of the 4 hour walk we were out for. Little old Perry pug spent most the walk sleeping under the pram. Yesterday during my doula training spoke about a caterpillar turning to caterpillar soup in the chrysalis before being reorganised and grown into a butterfly who emerges with big wings. Something new and beautiful, never to be the same again after a period of sticky soupy fog. Similar to the postpartum period. Sometimes I still feel like the caterpillar soup and sometimes I have a trip out like this without feeling too stressed and think maybe I’m creeping out of the chrysalis, ever so slowly. I’m plonking kids in front of tv now and having a tea!!!

18/02/2021

And pause. Jeeezzz. Today has been a struggle! Alec is going through separation anxiety (15months) which I understand but nevertheless is TIRING. So today he’s not been able to even be at the opposite side of the same room as me without screaming. I would’ve loved to sit and soak up the opportunity to be still and quiet but it feels utterly impossible with all three at home with me. So many different needs. So this evening I screamed in my hands I’ve had enough and everyone scarpered (after OH had arrived home). Eldest then came to say he wanted to see my face, of course I thought he just wanted to have a laugh at me. He didn’t he said I love you and hugged me. So this evening I’vedecided if I can’t have a doula here I’m doula- ing myself. Quiet, low lights, frankincense oil on diffuser and gardening programmes. And if anyone f***s with that plan I’ll scream again 😫😂 has anyone else reached peak had enough of pandemic feeling during this ‘half term’? Sending love to you all and tonight think about doula-ing yourself.

22/12/2020

I thought I would say something out loud to you all despite being nervous about it. I have decided to train as a doula in the spring. I will of course be continuing as an IBCLC alongside this and have little clue about how I will make it all work but I felt a strong need to jump in! As many of you know I continually sing the praises of doulas and that’s why I’m nervous about becoming one. I really am in awe of them so the thought of joining them is quite daunting at the moment. I will be training with a doula I really admire and cannot wait to get started. This is a family portrait by Orla, age 3.5, very proud of this one!

19/09/2020

Tandem feeding and breastfeeding agitation and aversion. My dear eldest nursling just asked me for a feed. I tried to distract her and she jumped off my lap and asked if I need a cup of tea then grabbed a play tea pot and cupcake and said I needed to rest, then eat and drink to make milk. I am currently breastfeeding Orla 3.5years and Alec 9 months. For me distraction and telling Orla my body is tired so I need to sit down with a cuppa seems to help me distract her from some feeds and also deal with really intense agitation and aversion I seem to have with tandem feeding. Hearing her happily incorporate this into her play made me sigh with relief. She is being gently weaned and is also learning about body autonomy. Breastfeeding doesn’t need to be all or nothing and it also doesn’t need you to exclude your own needs. I’m just about to embark on reading the wondeful Zainab Yates book on breastfeeding agitation and aversion and know it will be such a valuable resource for me and my clients.

09/09/2020

7 years old tomorrow. My eldest Fionn who made me a mother. 7 years ago to the minute I popped to the gift shop in the hospital(I hadn’t planned to be in) to pick up an embroidery magazine to learn a new hobby and keep myself occupied during the induced labour I had hoped I wouldn’t have. I kept That magazine unopened for5 years. I let it go last year. His birth taught me a lot. It’s taught me a lot about myself and given me insight into birth trauma which I share with too many other women. Me and Fionn are healing together. Fionn was present for his younger sisters birth, which felt like a massive step towards showing him birth can be normal and calm. Both Fionn and orla then slept through their little brothers birth and peeped their heads into my bedroom to meet their baby brother Alec 9 months ago. this felt like birth had become both a normal and magical family event for us. Happy birthday to Fionn tomorrow! And happy birth- day to me x

30/08/2020

I love how some little things can send you big messages telling you you’re doing ok as a parent. I’ve been giving myself a hard time on the days I’m on my own with all the kids and my eldest Fionn ends up watching a lot of TV. I go through all the feelings like ‘you’re not doing enough for him, you’re ignoring him, he’s not outdoors enough, he’s watching too much trash and will forget how to play and explore outdoors etc etc’ then this morning I emptied his little jeans pockets and found this tiny neat bundle of leaves he must’ve collected. Phew. It’s all ok, I’m doing ok and he’s not forgotten about the world! Breathe deeply and see the little signs you’re doing ok today!

07/08/2020

03/08/2020

2,519 days I’ve been breastfeeding continuously so far. Imagine how many hours I’ve been feeding!!Almost 7 years without a gap. First baby from birth then feeding throughout one lost pregnancy then pregnancy with Orla and tandem feeding fionn and orla until Fionn decided to stop feeding just before his 5th birthday. Then feeding Orla alone until pregnancy with Alec. And now tandem feeding Alec and Orla. This was never planned out and really does surprise me if I’m honest. Sometimes it’s easy and sometimes it’s really not. But it feels the way that works for us. Just pondering on this and how I struggle with the comment some make about breastfeeding being ‘free’. If we really value a mothers time then is it really ever free? Just a thought for the day during what are your thoughts?

13/06/2020

Alec 6 months. He’s enjoying exploring all the food! He’s sucking, licking, and beginning to chew. And there has been some evidence in his nappies that he is actually eating, whoop! For us a baby led weaning approach has always worked well. Just seems to take any stress away knowing that he is leading the show and taking what he needs. It’s not that dissimilar to breastfeeding really. I heard Gill Rapley speak years ago and she was asked when should you start baby led weaning. I will never forget her response. She said ‘at birth’. This makes total sense to me. If you put a dinner in front of a baby every day from birth the baby would only sit up, take notice and consume it once he was ready. So if you’re wondering how to introduce solids to your little one have a read and chat to other parents. Gill rapleys book is great. Also Why introducing solids matter and Carlos Gonzalez My Child Won’t eat are a couple of books I would really recommend. Oh and if you have a dog at home expect them to put on a few pounds of weight in the early stages of introducing solids. They are great hoovers!

26/05/2020

Alec 6 months today. A big chunk, loving squeezing his thighs and blowing raspberries on his wobbly belly. Amused by the fact that he’s less than 4kg lighter than his 3 year old big sister Orla is today. Never imagined that almost half his life so far would’ve been in isolation/ lockdown in the midst of a global pandemic. I think his delightful rolls show the plus side of the long periods of time at home at a slower pace. Less distractions and more time to have a b**b or two or three or back for a fourth!! Love you my third and LAST little one 😍

14/05/2020

This time 3 years ago I was watching Friends in bed with in early stages of labour. By 10pm we called our lovely doula Sarah who came and knelt by my side. We made jokes, sat quietly and by around 1am our midwife Rachel came to the home for the birth. By 1.30am Fionn who was then 3.5years woke and came into our bedroom to eat oatcakes and watch the birth. Orla then quite literally flew into the world before 2am and before our second MW could make her way into the house from the porch 😂 Orlas birth healed so much birth trauma from my first birth with Fionn and having him present made me feel he was part of the healing. I felt powerful and incredibly grateful to have been able to choose my birth team. Orla was a teeny 4lb so we had some breastfeeding challenges but with belief in breastfeeding, knowledge and support from my husband, MWs and my dear friend and IBCLC we got there! Orla continues to feed alongside her brother who is now 5 months. The world today is a bit wonky but we will celebrate tomorrow as best we can 😍