10/05/2023
"Setting boundaries with our kids is not really a matter of choosing the "right" words or of being consistent or of staying calm or being firm.
There is something much deeper at play.
And you probably know this, intuitively.
🧡 The way we set boundaries with our kids today depends a lot on how things went for us in the past, when we tried to set boundaries with the people around us.
When we were kids and saying "no", how was this received?
🍂 Were we often laughed at, made fun of or told that our "no" is 'cute'?
🍂 Were we regularly punished for it?
🍂 Were we threatened to be left alone or sent away?
🍂 Were we shamed, humiliated or ignored?
🍂 Were we made to feel bad or inconsiderate for saying "no"?
🍂 Were we met with anger?
Because of repeated experiences like these throughout our childhood, we've developed fears around setting boundaries.
And we've taken this fears with us into adulthood.
These fears are often unconscious, but they subtly come up when it's time to set a boundary, to protect us from feeling the way we felt in the past.
🍂 We might have an (unconscious) fear of not being loved anymore by our kids, if we set a boundary.
🍂 We might have an unconscious fear of being abandoned if we say "no".
🍂 We might have a fear of being too harsh and damaging our children with our boundary.
🍂 We might be scared of their reaction,
🍂 We might be afraid of not being heard or respected,
🍂 Or we might be terrified of feeling powerless again and so we set very, very strong boundaries!
The list is infinite and the fears we carry are unique to each one of us, depending on what has happened in the past."
Setting boundaries with our kids is not really a matter of choosing the "right" words or of being consistent or of staying calm or being firm.
There is something much deeper at play.
And you probably know this, intuitively.
🧡 The way we set boundaries with our kids today depends a lot on how things went for us in the past, when we tried to set boundaries with the people around us.
When we were kids and saying "no", how was this received?
🍂 Were we often laughed at, made fun of or told that our "no" is 'cute'?
🍂 Were we regularly punished for it?
🍂 Were we threatened to be left alone or sent away?
🍂 Were we shamed, humiliated or ignored?
🍂 Were we made to feel bad or inconsiderate for saying "no"?
🍂 Were we met with anger?
Because of repeated experiences like these throughout our childhood, we've developed fears around setting boundaries.
And we've taken this fears with us into adulthood.
These fears are often unconscious, but they subtly come up when it's time to set a boundary, to protect us from feeling the way we felt in the past.
🍂 We might have an (unconscious) fear of not being loved anymore by our kids, if we set a boundary.
🍂 We might have an unconscious fear of being abandoned if we say "no".
🍂 We might have a fear of being too harsh and damaging our children with our boundary.
🍂 We might be scared of their reaction,
🍂 We might be afraid of not being heard or respected,
🍂 Or we might be terrified of feeling powerless again and so we set very, very strong boundaries!
The list is infinite and the fears we carry are unique to each one of us, depending on what has happened in the past.
🧡 The good news is that we can work on making these fears conscious and on transforming them.
And we don't need to know what has happened in the past.
We don't even need to talk about the past to shift these fears and see positive transformations.
In my 1-on-1 (online) sessions, we work with what comes up in the present, honouring our fears (because they're simply trying to protect us...) and allowing our mind and body to shift away from what belongs to the past.
Feel free to message me or comment below if that resonates 🧡
With love and compassion,
Manon