Safe Stories Counselling

30/04/2020

Definition of a toxic relationship:
- Lack of trust/possessiveness
- Controlling behaviour (telling you what you can or can’t do)
- Not able to be yourself
- Constant judgments
- Continuous disrespect
- No regard for your feelings
- Constant drama/fights
- Instability; super high highs and super low lows
- Makes you unhappy
- Lowers your self-worth
- Feelings of constantly not being good enough for them

DISCLAIMER:
- In this video I will specifically only be talking about why some of us CONTINUOUSLY choose the wrong person or display patterns of being in toxic relationships.

Most COMMON reasons discovered in therapy:

1. Normalised; the dynamic of imbalanced roles in a relationship was something that we were simply exposed to growing up. Either our parents had this dynamic or the adults around us did. We don’t even REALIZE that the relationship we have is “toxic” because it has always been a benchmark for us. So, we keep falling to the same mistakes but without even realizing it’s a “mistake” in the first place.

2. Low self-worth; we were made to feel not good enough on a constant basis growing up. Often criticise and belittled by our loved ones that we learnt to accept that we are just “not worth much”. So, when we meet someone who echos the same message in our relationship (makes us feel not good enough), it’s a familiar territory for us, hence we fall in love and stay with them, even when it hurts us.

3. Learning that we need to EARN people’s love; because growing up WE had to TEND to our parents’ needs, and to be the “grown up” in the family. We put our needs 2nd, 3rd, or last after our partner is happy then we can be happy - because that was how it was growing up. So, we feel if we JUST cater to them first, then MAYBE we can earn their love, but it never actually happens.

4. Fear of commitment; when we grew up hearing A LOT of horror stories about marriage/relationships, we learn to associate falling in love with being dangerous. We pick people who are emotionally unavailable or have reasons (difference of religion, being in a different country or involved in another relationship) to not be with us FULLY.

27/04/2020

In the first video I talked about how important it is to know how we feel and to be able to get in touch with our emotions. In this video, we go a step further into understanding WHY we feel the way we feel, or are the way we are in the first place.

And believe it or not, a LOT of the answers to what makes us the person we are today has to do with our upbringing/childhood.

What I mean by that is, what happened when we were young, how we were treated, what we were told, what we witnessed, etc. shapes the way we look at the world and ourselves as we grow older.

The people we grew up around were the people who in a way taught us what is what. Whatever our environment and the people were like at that time became sort of a benchmark for what is NORMAL or to be accepted. When we are children we act as a sponge - soaking everything in around us and internalising them as well. And we take our upbringing with us into adulthood.

How we are today always has a link to how things were back then. And this is something that can seem so unfathomable because a lot of us tend to view the past as irrelevant because it was SUCH A LONG TIME AGO, so we barely ever think about the past. However, the answers to our questions lies in the past.

How can we revisit the past in order to use the information we are getting to good use?
- Have a “curious” mindset like a detective - open to any possibilities, open to any theories or stories. Do not judge or belittle ANY memories you have about the past as they can give you a lot of answers to the questions you have about yourself.
- Ask yourself these questions; what was my childhood like? How did I feel during certain times? What was my relationship like with the adults I grew up with (mother, father, siblings, anyone else)? Be descriptive about it.
- If you struggle with remembering then just start with one simple memory, no matter how vague they may be, and once you focus on that and describe that, then it WILL become easier to remember more details.

Write these things down so it’s documented or record yourself speaking if that’s easier for you.

23/04/2020

Coming off from the video I did with Tanam Benih about why it's important to acknowledge your children’s feelings.

It's important because it teaches children self-awareness and emotional intelligence, so they have the vocabulary to articulate how they feel IN A HEALTHY WAY whenever it’s necessary, which in relationships will help a lot with communication and to avoid misunderstandings.

However, for those of us who never grew up with our parents acknowledging how we feel from a young age, we tend to struggle telling people what we want, what we think and how we feel because we don’t even know ourselves well enough.

And when we are not sure or unaware or don’t know ourselves enough then it can lead to problems in relationships and can hinder us from knowing how to manage our mental health better.

How can we fix a problem when we don’t even know what the problem is in the first place. How can we tell someone what we need or want when we don’t even know it ourselves.

TO KNOW:
Check in with your body - what areas feel tense?

Do daily or weekly check ins with yourself - how was today? How did you feel? What happened to make you feel that way? Etc.

The point is to get to know yourself better which we tend to take for granted because we were never taught how valuable it can actually be.

14/05/2018

To find out more about the therapist working at Safe Stories Counselling, go check out her website www.tessasawitri.com. It has all the information regarding her background, seminars/workshops she has conducted in the past and articles she has written. Enjoy! 😊

TOP

11/11/2017

In honor of International Loss Survivor Day, Into The Light Indonesia along with Binus International University and the American Foundation for Su***de Prevention (AFSP) will be conducting an event called, "Lalui Luka: Membawa Cahaya dalam Kegelapan, Melanjutkan Hidup dengan Harapan" (Overcoming Pain: Bringing Light into Darkness, Moving Forward with Hope). This event aims to shed light on survivors of su***de loss and to bring awareness in regards to su***de prevention for those survivors themselves. This event hopes to inspire fellow survivors of su***de loss to share their personal experience in overcoming their grieve and how they continued to live their lives after experiencing such loss.

This event is open to public so please, if you are interested you are more than welcome to join us.

Lots of love, SS

25/10/2017

******NEW VIDEO*****

In this video I talk about how we can really understand the root cause of our anxiety (bare in mind that this is a brief explanation and might not apply to everyone) and how to move forward.

Anxiety is such a broad issue - everyone experiences feelings of anxiousness differently. What triggers anxiety for one person may differ with another. However, what I have found to be the common thread when it comes to anxiety is "the need to control". Whether that is the need to control the circumstances or the need to control the people in our lives - controlling certain things is what we think may help decrease our anxiety.

A few examples of controlling behaviours:
- When you are possessive/controlling towards your partner (telling them who to be/who to not be friends with, what they should/shouldn't wear, where they should/shouldn't go, etc.).
- When parents are not able to let their children be their own person and always needing to tell them what to do regardless of their children's age.
- Excessive planning, so when things don't go your way, it really upsets you and gives you anxiety.

However, it actually becomes counterproductive - the more we try to control things in our lives the more we increase our anxiety. Because at the end of the day, we will find time and time again that we cannot control anything or anyone outside of ourselves. And without this awareness - we will only be stuck in a vicious cycle between feeling anxiety and needing to control things.

Watch the full video to find out how you can really decrease your level of anxiety and say goodbye to it for good!

19/10/2017

Self-Love is VITAL But, why is it so hard to practice?

Problems in relationships, friendships, feelings of anger, annoyance, inability to connect to others, etc. - the reoccurring underlying cause is often LACK OFF self-love. I’ve seen it time and time again in my clients, my friends and even in myself. The lack of self-love can often damage relationships or hinder good relationships from entering our lives.

However, even the concept of self-love itself can be confusing - what does it even mean to love ourselves? And even when we do understand it, how come loving ourselves can be one of the most challenging things to do? Find out in this video!

11/07/2017

Hi everyone! This video is my response to the series "13 Reasons Why". In here I talk about mental health and bullying (what can we do if we are being bullied and why people bully in the first place). I hope you guys enjoy! Love, SS.

13/04/2017

Hi everyone! In this video I am joined by my fiance - Dennis Laoh (Chiropractor) as he shares his experience when it comes to how he handles his "feelings". We talk about the double standards that exist when it comes to men expressing their emotions and how important it is for men to be able to be more in touch with their feelings. We hope you enjoy this video! Lots of love, SS.

20/02/2017

A 2-hour workshop I conducted at Binus School Bekasi on how parents can communicate effectively with their teens. Another great experience working with Binus! :)

13/12/2016

Topic: How to Effectively Communicate with Your Children.

I had such a BLAST conducting this 2-hour workshop at Binus School Bekasi. It was a lot of fun creating activities for the parents to do in order to really understand the mind of a child.

14/11/2016

It was such a pleasure to conduct a seminar on "How to Communicate Effectively with Your Children" at Binus School Simprug for internal as well as external parents. This is why I love what I do - to be able to share any tips and advice I have for parents so the awareness for mental health can increase. Thank you to Binus School Simprug for having me - working with you was a great experience. :)