12/02/2023
By the time you, the Parent, contact me, there's been a problem.
The problem was something that started off as concerning but manageable.
Then the problem became bigger and unmanageable.
And by the time you contact me, its usually at crisis point.
The first email typically has a sense of urgency to it.
We cannot go on like this.
I desperately want to help her.
We can't wait any longer.
But the thing is, even when a child commences therapy, they are with the therapist for 45 minutes out of 168 hours of the week.
Home/School- 167.15 hours
Therapy- 45 minutes.
It rarely works as fast as parents expect and it never, ever holds a miracle. Therapy will never work unless the work is being done at home.
So here is some insight for how to hold your child in those hours. Practise these daily and allow yourself to get it wrong sometimes!
1. Whether they are right or wrong, their truth is their truth. Denying that truth disconnects you and enters you into a power play.
2. All feelings are involuntary. Involuntary!
3. Most of the time, behaviours in children are Involuntary too. This is because in times of stress, neocortical functioning goes offline. In layman terms, this means that they literally have no access to thinking straight.
4. In times of stress, never try to reprimand, punish or explain why they've done wrong.
5. Never punish outside of times of stress wither. Just never punish.
6. But then how will my child learn?
Through the boundaries within the context of a safe relationship. This means that a child knows that all his feelings are acceptable and he is not terrified of a Time Out should he demonstrate these feelings. At the same time, he knows that when he behaves in an unacceptable manner when he has these feelings, that you will be firm that the behaviour is unacceptable. Punishment and positive discipline are very different.
7. Removal of beloved possessions like phones and gaming will 'add fuel to the fire'. Your child will learn that when the behave in X way, it actually increases their feelings of distress, because they know the consequences is coming. Besides, it rarely works. If it did, you wouldn't have to keep doing it.
8. Acknowledge that a teenager is going to behave like a teenager. Nothing more than teenage maturity should be expected. A lot less than teenage maturity should be expected.
9. Try not to fix things. Rarely does a teenager listen to an adults advice. Listening without agenda will truly embellish your relationship. This is why therapy is such a gem - there is no advice giving.
10. The stuff that they talk about that is hard for you to listen to, is the stuff that they listen to that is hard for them to talk about.
Stay present, tell them about your own childhood and adolescence. Apologise. Be firm, be fair, be respectful and steer clear of well meaning advice of others because the richest information you'll ever have about your child, is from your child.
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