09/08/2025
“Let’s Talk About Anger”
What if we spoke to adults about anger the way we speak to children?
What if we handed them a worksheet asking them to rate how angry they feel when their partner lies to them, when they’re mocked at work, or when their neighbour enters their home without permission?
And then, just below that, asked them:
👉 “What coping strategies do you use when this happens? Are they effective?”
Absurd, right?
Even dangerous.
Because these aren’t just “triggers.”
They’re violations, betrayals, injustices, and unmet needs.
But when kids or teens get angry about their boundaries being crossed - being excluded, yelled at, mocked, ignored, or over-controlled - we call it a behaviour problem.
We ask them to manage it.
To breathe through it.
To calm down first, and talk later.
To cope with things that, frankly, they should be angry about.
🔥 Here’s what anger actually is:
• It’s a boundary being crossed.
• A need going unmet.
• A voice trying to be heard.
• A sense of safety being lost.
• A part of us rising up to protect something important.
Anger isn’t the problem.
It’s a signal. A warning light.
And often, a shield for deeper feelings like shame, hurt, loneliness, fear, or powerlessness.
🛑 So instead of asking children to “manage their anger,” maybe we could ask:
• What happened right before the anger showed up?
• What is this anger trying to protect?
• What do you need, right now, that you’re not getting?
• Is there something unfair, unsafe, or overwhelming happening?
When we punish or silence anger in children, we teach them not to trust themselves.
When we sit with it, validate it, and explore what it’s telling us, we build connection, safety, and real emotional understanding.
Anger doesn’t need to be controlled.
It needs to be heard.
