The Brave Lotus Play Therapy

03/05/2022

❤️

I'm so often asked about what to do about a child who comes to the bedroom door at night time, looking to be let into the bed with you. There are all sorts of bedtime stories come to my office. The child who won't sleep alone, the child who won't sleep through the night, the child who won't sleep unless they're stroking your hair/creased into your neck. The child who won't settle alone no matter how many times you put them back.

The first thing I say is, flip the word 'won't' to 'can't' . Children have poorly developed self regulation skills. From conception, they are utterly environment dependant. Independence is a term widely used in educational and behavioural sciences in association with encouraging parents to faciliate it as early as possible. But Individuation and Independence are not mutually exclusive. I'm not sure that I want to see an Independent 3 year old in my office. I might see Autonomy, Individuation. Sure. But when a child demonstrates Independence as wildly beyond their years, I will begin then to assess whether I am looking at early Independence as part of their organically growing personality, or at a child who has had to pack away his treasure box of needs in favour of meeting someone elses.

On the other hand, Individuation, is a term that is interested in how a child is establishing a sense of their self, as separate from the systems they are developing. The 'I' .

Individuation is created only within the co creation of that space inside that is 'I'. The irony is that I am only created, by co creating me, with the consistent presence of someone safe who soothes and sees me.

And that does not have a clock.

Everyone has their own boundaries with this one. My own hope is that if my child comes to me in the middle of the night with a scary dream, that same child, 10 years later, now a teenager, will stand at my door at 3am with his scary thoughts.

Because they know, I will open.

💛

29/06/2021

❤️

04/03/2021

Two minute read debunking what we've been told about redirecting anger. Regulation is key!! ❤️

I'm always baffled when I see clinicians give this advice as an appropriate and effective way to deal with anger (for adults or kids). Yet, I see parents and professionals recommend it all the time. 🤯

It started simply enough, 🥸 psychotherapists developed Freudian-derived theories of how repressed emotions create toxic venom which needs to be released so they don't build up to dangerous levels. Somehow this idea caught 🔥 fire and is still promoted today as a healthy alternative to lashing out.

Here's the thing, research from Iowa State University (among others) found that venting in this way does nothing to quell angry 😡 feelings. In fact, the temporary "relief" actually causes more harm than good--wiring your 🧠brain to hit during distress. The concept of violence rehearsal suggests that you strengthen aggressive neural pathways every time you do this.

"Instead of translating into less anger and aggression, the "catharsis" increased their hostility. How do you get more angry? Practice, practice, practice. And that's what venting anger is. More practice. People claim it is safe: `Oh, we're just hitting a pillow.' But the line between inanimate object and people can become fuzzy when angry. What if a pillow isn't available?"

And this is what concerns me. Sure, you may be hitting a pillow or a wall instead of a person. But you still feel the (often intense) **need** to hit something. ANYTHING! And if you are really out of control, you'll probably end up hitting something or someone that you don't want to hit.

So what can you do when you're angry?

1. Learn to identify 🧐 your triggers.

2. Learn to be more accepting 😎 (if not comfortable) with all your emotions! Remember, they are all neutral tidbits of information from your brain and body. Emotions have no moral value (and can actually help motivate you to take action when used correctly).

3. Learn techniques for regulation, off-loading, and resetting that ARE healthy and sustainable. Examples include 🙃 laughter, shaking, or rhymic, repetitive movement.

Let's leave 🍾 pop psychology behind once and for all so we can get people the tools and support they REALLY need!

06/02/2021

We are all still growing & flourishing. Even when we feel we are standing still or being outgrown. If you can be compassionate to anyone today let it be to yourself... You are where it starts.
Have a lovely weekend. Rest, run, indulge, be still... You're doing what you need right now x

26/09/2020

What a lovely & simple illustration from that also serves as an important reminder to grown ups to remember to ask "what do I need?"
It is so important to build this into our self talk & model it for the generations that come after us.

Perhaps what we need is to slow down? For some, the last few months has been a drastic change where they've felt life has stopped, but has it really? Working from home has brought additional challenges, there has been less periods of relaxing, there's been much more worries and its October next week... Life has actually sped up. Those who have been out working through it all have the same worries, health concerns, future concerns, the list can go on. There's been lots of autopilot actions and maybe it's time to take stock.

For some it's the need to reach out. Whatever way we look back and forward into the uncertainty, some of us have and will experience loneliness. We have been away from family and friends. Are you waiting on someone to call you? Try to call them. The phone goes both ways & the reunion, by whatever means will have the same warmth regardless of who initiated.

Ask yourself "what do I need" at least once today & build on from there. You're important enough. ❤️

27/08/2020

26/08/2020

Dysregulation!!! This little infograph from is like looking at a tick list of the behaviours my little ones are experiencing these last two weeks as we approach back to school. I'm sure many households around Ireland are full of unease, whether you're a parent, teacher, SNA, grandparent, or carer you've got little ones who are experiencing an array of feelings.

We, as their grown-ups that care for them need to support them. This can be tough if we're not regulated ourselves. During these times it's important to check in with yourself before responding.One of the most important messages in parenting programmes is to PAUSE! Ask yourself, how am I feeling right now. This allows you to take a breath & approach calmly.

A simple pause gives you the best opportunity to wonder about your child's needs, wants and feelings and how you can best respond. Calming yourself allows you to meet your child with calm and help regulate them. They are learning from you all the time and showing them that you can calm and support them in crisis is such an important lesson.