19/12/2025
Abandonment Wounding ❤️‍🩹
I want to share some reflections on abandonment wounding, drawing from my own lived experience. I have carried this wound for 38 years. My father left when I was 10. His recent passing has stirred old residual attachment patterns, bringing to the surface the last psychosomatic pieces that are readily accessible for processing and integration.
I have been actively healing this abandonment wound for probably about 7-10 years, through conscientious and consistent nervous system work, subconscious belief decoding, applying titration, pendulation, allowing for cycles of oscillation and of course, ongoing Neuroplasticity. This long process has helped me bring the wound into psycho and somatic coherence where I can free myself from the chains of the past.
The abandonment wound is one of the deepest wounds a person can carry. It is entrenched in the very core of your self-identity and sense of worth, leaving a profound internal scar that can take years to heal, Because it originates in the relational context with your primary caregiver, it runs incredibly deep and is not something that can be healed quickly or superficially. True healing takes time, consistent relational experiences, and nervous system recalibration. It is a slow, layered process, unfolding over years rather than overnight.
At its core, abandonment wounding instils the belief that everyone will leave, that you will be left alone, that you are not lovable, not desirable, not wanted, and that relationships, intimacy, and vulnerability are inherently unsafe. It creates a deep fear of being alone, and of ending up alone.
The ways abandonment wounding shows up depend on your attachment style. Speaking from my own experience with anxious attachment, which developed because my mother, the main caregiver, was both our safe space and smothered us with love - we were anxiously attached to her. She was the one we went to to feel safe, and yet the intensity of her love also shaped patterns of anxious attachment.
With anxious attachment, you may feel that you must lose yourself in order to be chosen. You may feel that you will never fully be chosen, so you do everything you can to keep someone. This can manifest as a form of unconscious manipulation, trying to make someone want you, to prove to yourself that you are lovable, that you are wanted, and that relationships are safe.
Yet inevitably, these strategies usually backfire, because they reinforce the nervous system patterns and core beliefs you already carry, that relationships are unsafe, that intimacy is dangerous and risky, and that vulnerability always leads to loss and you being left alone.
If abandonment manifests as avoidant attachment, it can show up as avoiding relationships at all costs, fearing intimacy, or pulling away from closeness. Avoidant behaviours may include performing in relationships, being dutiful, or meeting expectations to prove that you are the person someone wants. Beneath it all lies the same fear: people will always leave, trust will always be broken, and you are fundamentally alone.
Healing the abandonment wound begins with understanding. Recognise the belief patterns you hold about yourself, about love and relationships. Observe how your nervous system has been attuned and wired to perceive love and attachment. Decode what you believe to be true about connection, and notice how this manifests in your body and behavioural patterns, especially in romantic relationships.
Often, romantic relationships act as a mirror for the relational blueprint laid down by primary caregivers. The nervous system unconsciously reenacts these patterns, attempting to resolve them. You may find yourself looping through the same dynamics repeatedly. Only to find yourself in the same trajectory and relational outcome,
Engaging in relationships, even imperfectly, can be a form of healing. It teaches the system that it is safe to open up. Even if someone leaves, the act of trying, of being vulnerable, communicates to your nervous system that connection is actually possible and that love is not automatically unsafe.
Inner child healing and reparenting the inner child are crucial. Finding a support system of people who have done their own inner child healing provides a safe container to lean into, even if they cannot fully understand your lived experience. But…. Connecting with others who have experienced abandonment can be even more powerful.
I believe, the deepest healing will occur in a relational space. Abandonment is not just an emotional wound; it is embedded in your social engagement system, imprinted in your nervous system. To repair it fully requires a relational context where it feels safe to unfold, to be witnessed, and to be chosen. When someone shows up, decides to stay, and chooses you regardless of the pain you carry (or they too carry), this begins to teach your system that love is safe, that people can remain, and that you are worthy and lovable. If you have children, this can deepen the healing further, but it always starts with relational trust.
As I approach 39 next year, I reflect on the cycles of abandonment and disillusion I experienced. The reenactments through my nervous system have been powerful teachers.
You might hear a lot of spiritual teachers or therapists say that the ultimate goal of this healing journey is to come home to yourself, that nothing outside of you matters, and that we don’t need relationships or anyone else to make us feel whole. While there is truth in cultivating self-connection, this perspective doesn’t align with human neurobiology. Humans are inherently relational beings. Our brains, nervous systems, and even our sense of safety and identity are wired for connection. Relationships aren’t just optional extras, they are central to who we are. True healing and growth happen not in isolation, but in the context of meaningful connection with others.
I believe, while we can work through abandonment alone, and cultivate safety in our own vessel…. until someone shows up and chooses you unconditionally, the wound remains an internal scar. It may soften over time of course, but it is not fully resolved at a neuroplastic level. In order to repattern it fully, it requires a safe relational space, deep presence and patience with another, and consistent choice over time. When someone sees your pain, chooses you regardless, and stays.
This is something I’m speaking to not from theory or training, but from my own lived experience.
With love,
Danielle
