22/10/2025
“We Don’t See It in School”
I’ve written before about how a child’s life is 24 hours, not just the six or seven hours they spend in school. What happens outside of school affects how they cope inside of school. And yet, we still hear it:
“We don’t see it in school.”
We know the sensory load of the school day is heavy. The constant noise, transitions, social demands, uniforms, rules, and the sheer effort of keeping it all together. It’s no wonder so many children experience “after-school collapse.” The mask slips the moment they feel safe, and the dysregulation pours out.
But here’s the bigger issue: what happens when parents share this with school and feel they’re not believed? When they describe meltdowns, sobbing, rage, exhaustion — only to be told their child is “fine” because none of it happens in school.
A couple of weeks ago, I sat with a sobbing Number 4, who started riding club the following day. For those who’ve followed me a while, you’ll know she’s an accomplished rider. We have our own horse. She knows the graft that goes into mucking out, grooming, and riding. She loves it.
And yet, the thought of the following day brought her to tears. Not because of the riding, but because of everything around it:
• The terror of going to a different stable with a new horse.
• Not knowing when to change into her riding gear.
• The fear of missing a minibus she doesn’t know how to find.
• The anxiety of what happens if the bus leaves without her.
At school that morning, her tutor will probably have seen a calm and compliant child. Maybe a little tearful, but still holding it together. They won’t have seen what I saw that night.
They won’t have seen the girl who sobbed over a maths question marked wrong when it was actually right.
They won’t have seen the overwhelm of having to change clothes four times on a Friday (yes, four!).
They won’t have seen the fear of returning to class late after a doctor’s appointment, or the way she ruminates about the injustice of collective punishments.
I see the exhaustion, the meltdowns, the fear, the anger.
School sees the mask.
And this is why, as a SENCo, I will always believe parents. Always.
Because why wouldn’t I? Believing parents builds trust. It helps me understand the whole child. It allows us to problem-solve together, to try strategies at both school and home that might reduce the after-school collapse.
To dismiss what happens after 3.30pm as “not our business” is not only unhelpful — it’s unsafe. My safeguarding training is crystal clear: what happens at home matters if it affects a child’s wellbeing or a family’s stability.
So next time you hear yourself thinking “but we don’t see it in school,” pause. The child’s calm exterior may simply mean they’re working ten times harder to keep it all in. The reality often shows itself in the one place they feel safest: home.
And parents deserve to be believed.
Emma
The Autistic SENCo
♾️
Photo: Number 3 clearly finding Number 1’s book far more interesting than his own.
