09/03/2017
MY TWO BOYS NEEDED ME BUT DEPRESSION WAS KILLING ME
Last October i survived a near fatal death experience by taking an overdose.
Im 28 years of age and i have 2 beautiful boys. I have known people who took their own lives by su***de, i could never understand why. No one ever understands till you are in that dark place yourself. 7 months previous before i attempted su***de i nearly lost my very close friend to su***de. My world nearly crashed down on me. She survived and i remember first time i saw her in hospital i cried my heart out. I saw the saddness in her families eyes and i remember saying i would never attempt su***de. Back then id no reason too. I was coping with my own life which at that time was very hard. I had endured alot pain, loss and hardship and bullying all in one year but i thought i was strong and coping. Never did i think 7 months later in a moment of darkness i made that decision to end my life. To this day il never forget that night last october. I remember the quietness that night, every where so still and eery. I could just hear my sorrowfull sobs. I just couldnt take my bullying no more, a girl i knew so well that was once a part of my family had destroyed me. I felt so week. It always felt like i had 10 roads in front of me and i just didnt know which road to take. I lost interest in life. I lived for my 2 boys and was doing my best for them but slowly the dark cloud was taking over my life because my bully pushed me this far.
I choosed that night when i was all alone and kids with their dad that i was going to end my pain...so i honestly thought su***de was the answer.....
I can tell you now i am very lucky to be able to write my story. I was rescued the next day after my su***de attempt, but i was lucky to survived. I remember taking a lethal combination of painkillers, after my very last one i clung to a picture of my boys and i had the picture in my head and that would be the last time id see them. Hours earlier i kissed them goodbye when the went to their dads and i had no intentions of su***de in my mind what so ever. There i was 9 hours later trying end my life. I lay on bed and cried and the room so quiet. Then i realise i dont want to die i want to live and fight against lions and win the battle. But i couldnt move for help, the overdose was working, my eyes blurry and my body in a limp, after that i passed out. I cant remember anything after that. But i am told this when im in hospital very sick that next morn i manage to vomit and ring my partner for couple secs and he just about made out what i said..."help me" before i passed out. He called a first response that came straight my house where in got in back of my house. I was not in good way. Took ambulance 10 mins to get to me and they worked on me straight away. Local firemen helped carry my body down the stairs, why was'nt i put on a stretcher? Because i was in a bad way if the needed to work on me again the stretcher would of giving them less room to work. Its a parent worse nightmare to be told anything about their son/daughter attempting or comitted su***de. My mum got the phonecall rushed straight to my house and saw me. Later im told she clung onto me devastated. I rem waking up a little in ambulance and i was very sick. There 3 lads working on me. My heart was beating so fast, they were injecting me, pumping me etc i had no energy, my eyes are heavy. They are asking me so many questions too. When i reached hospital they are waiting for me doctors and nurses and my family. My mum is crying and wondering why and what has happened. My partner waiting see me too. After 4 drips in my arms and constantly vomiting im alert, i feel awful, i feed guilty but i feel so relieved because im alive. Il never forget my mum and partner face, the looked shocked and frightened. All i could say over and over i am sorry.
Here i am 3 months later. I am getting stronger. I went to counselling and i talk about my feelings now. I am so gratefull that i am here and i will see my boys grow up into men. I didnt leave my family and friends with unanswered questions and grief. Su***de might of ended my pain but it the people you live behing that live with the pain.
Everyone fights lions and battles in their lives but we can fight them. Let light come into your life and be proud of who you are. Never be amshamed. There is help for us all any corner we take. Reach for help and see that life is worth living for. You are never alone, just talk to anyone, never be afraid, never fear because there is help for you all. Su***de is not the answer, trust me. I was told by so many doctors i was very lucky to survived.
The day i walked out of hospital i never looked back. My bully striked again week after i was released from hospital but i was stronger and with help i fought through the hardship.
Please just remember talk to anyone. There is great help out there. We are all fighters and we should be proud of how far we have come and most important we are talking and helping others.
You are not alone, never suffer in silence. Don't leave what's most important in your life behind. X
