04/04/2020
This was written just over 1 week ago:
Thurs 26 March —Day 11 of lockdown in Tel Aviv
Today I finally fully emerged from the depths of a long dark night of the soul. It began with a wave of nausea last Monday and then developed into an inability to take a deep breath, accompanied by sleepless nights.
Corona? Anxiety? Who knows. It’s all part of the same thing anyway, right? We’re all going through this one way or another.
The journey began exactly two weeks ago. Thursday March 12, my kids enjoyed their last day of school. The government decided to lock us all down with as little social connecting as possible. My husband decided to paint the apartment. This may have been part of the reason that by Monday, I found it difficult to breath.
By Wednesday, after 2 white nights, I begged the doctor for a corona test, I begged the Medical aid, I begged the emergency red cross. “ I Can’t breathe! I really Can’t breathe!”
They all had the same response: No temperature, no test!
The doctor prescribed Vaben, an anti anxiety pill, Loxiterm, a sleeping tablet/anti anxiety and a steroid pump for my breathing. I gobbled and inhaled it all down. The symptoms continued. Difficulty taking a full breath, except when I was fast asleep intoxicated by a sleeping pill.
I’m a healer, who has survived cancer and consider myself super strong, but this was taking me right out. As I entered the darkness within me, deep inside my body, I found my fears. Fear of dying. Fear of being hospitalised and being separated from my children, fear of loosing my mind. Fear of a World War two like outcome. One by one, I released each fear and my breath slowly returned. I cried to my mother and my sister and realised I was not alone. My children were not alone. I had support. I forgave myself for being a s**t daughter and forgave my mother for being human and found a new love for her, and way of showing my care and receiving hers. I found my connection to God again, in the understanding that this is his gift to us, for our own growth.
And finally today, I emerged, happy and healthy.
As our lives become smaller and smaller, we truly realise what we love, what turns us on, what is important to us. Painting with my children, writing, meditating with my clients, connecting deep deep to the energy of Creator.
My children, my children, my children, how I enjoy them.
At night we lie together and say the Shema Israel. And then I ask God to protect us all, all my beloveds and the whole world, and to lift this virus from us. And then my adorable 7-year-old Elyh pipes up, “No, I don’t want the Corona to go, because then I have to go back to school. I want to stay home with you.” Well, what more can I ask for as a reassurance that I'm doing this right.
But, I explain to him that even so, we should pray for this virus to disappear so people don't suffer.
I made chicken soup today. Chicken soup like my Ashkenazi Saftas made in Eastern Europe. My late father loved that chicken soup. So does my son. Each member of my little family likes their soup served differently. Elyh likes his soup with a kneidel ball, soup liquid, carrot, potato and chicken pieces. Mia likes her soup Lybian style like her dad- soup liquid and heaps of couscous. Almost a porridge-like consistency/ratio. My hubby likes his with a squeeze of lemon and extra salt. Everything with extra salt. I’m not a huge chicken soup fan, but I had a small bowl today. I took all the celery leaves, a piece of zucchini and carrot. As I looked into the soup, memories of my father and my grandmother and the suffering they endured during the Holocaust washed over me along with so much gratitude. So much gratitude for the fact that even though our lives have become so small and confined, we are together, we are healthy, I can speak to my loved ones who are not with me, I have more than enough food, I have a roof over my head, I am not threatened by man’s evil.
We jumped on the trampoline today and made animal sounds and laughed and laughed. My space is small. But it will do. Today I am grateful for all I have. I pray that each day during this time of Corona will pass as peacefully as today. And I pray that we come out of it soon, so we can hug the trees and run free and appreciate this magnificent world we have taken for granted.
While making challah last Friday, I had a thought. It came through more like a divine message. It went like this… “You are not bad people, you have been way worse in times before. You are not murderous and evil. The problem with all of you is that you are like little children, bratty, greedy, insatiable. You need to become more aware of waste and excess. You need to become more aware and caring of this earth and all it’s creatures.”
May mama-earth heal. May we heal. May we be reunited soon.