01/02/2021
Fear. Fear. Fear. Its all I see. Its all I feel. Coursing through my body. Everywhere I turn the doors are closed. I look into the future, and all I see is fear, anxiety, tension, dark shapes rising up in front of my eyes. Go away, go away, go away.
No.
Stay.
Be here now.
Look into the fear. What is here?
Black smoke, disappears into nothingness.
What is fear? Nothing.
Aah, I breathe.
Peace.
Fear is nothing but illusion. Really. I see it. It doesn’t exist.
🌈
All my life I have been in battle with fear.
As a child I was trapped by it. I didn’t understand that it wasn’t real, and no one explained to me. My mother would look at me as I would cry; she would feel my fear and be scared by it. And I would see that fear reflected back through her eyes.
“Don’t look at me. Your eyes scare me”, I would say through my tears.
If my mother was scared, how could I be safe?
Nothing would save me.
And yet, I would pass through it. Over and over again.
As a teenager, I put on weight; my protective shield. Nothing could hurt me now.
But I lost the weight, became thin and beautiful. And now I had to face my fear again.
I built a shield from the inside now.
“Nothing can hurt me, I’m strong, I’m tough, I don’t need anybody”.
I went out on my own, facing my fears one by one.
“I’m strong. I’m tough. I don’t need anybody”.
I faced the fears of being alone.
I faced the fears of travelling to new places, of meeting new people.
And I learnt that I can connect, alone. That I am enough.
I faced the fears of homelessness, of having no money, of having no job. Of losing all of my identity.
And I learnt that it is all in my mind. That when I face my fears and trust, that the whole universe is here for me, looking after me, leading the way.
I found love. I found a home. I found the life that had been waiting for me. I was given a child and discovered my gifts.
And STILL... fear fills my body.
The moment my heart opens and I expand into more love...the fear comes in. Into my mind, into my body, into my heart.
Another battle to fight.
Why? Why do I need to pass through this fear over and over again.
I thought that if I learnt enough tools to overcome fear then it would be done, gone. That I would finally be free to enjoy life without this fear haunting me.
But no, the more I have, the more light I can hold, the more fear comes.
Never-ending.
I am tired. I am defeated. I give in to the fear.
And the darkness comes. I welcome it. I sink into it. Tired. Defeated. The battle is over.
“Fear, you win”.
I am dead. I am broken.
But now I have a child, and she will not let me be pulled in for too long. She requires my presence and my love. She smiles at me as I cry. As I understand that through my tears I am freeing myself from the chains of fear.
I am reminded again that fear is just an illusion; black smoke encasing my heart. And when I cry, I look into her smile and her eyes and my heart softens with love.
For really, love is all that is real, and heals all wounds.
My daughter of light is here for me, stronger than my wounds, stronger than my pain, holding me in the vision of light.
She is here for me, and I am here for her.
All of my battles with fear allow me to contain her with love. When she cries, and her eyes are filled with fear, I can hold her with love too.
I can remind her that its not real. Whatever she fears. Its not real.
I can hold the space for her to cry and cry and cry, rivers of tears and injustice and unmet desires and frustration and pain. And remind her that everything really is ok.
“You are safe. You are protected. You are looked after. You are loved”.
“I am safe. I am protected. I am looked after. I am loved”.
There are times when these words “work”; they reassure and calm the child inside me, reminding me that there really is nothing to fear.
But the tricky thing with fear is that it is very convincing. And it comes up with new stories, new versions of the future that suck me in deeper and deeper. The words don’t work now, and I have to go deeper. Deeper into the fear, to find the remedy within.
This, it seems, is my journey to God.
Because each time I face fear, I am saved.
Each time I think I am taken, I am redeemed. By a thought, a prayer, a tiny spark of light within my consciousness that reminds me that I am not alone, that I have never been alone.
The angels come. A person comes. Music comes. Nature comes...oh, Mother Earth. And Mother Mary. The money comes. Truth comes. Within me, and then reflected in my reality.
I am shown over and over again that this is my path, to keep dissolving fear. Maybe this is the mission of our generation, as we move into The New Earth: to eradicate fear. It has no place anymore.
And then I wonder. What would the world be like without fear?
What would my reality be like without fear?
Can I imagine that??
Because if I can see it, and speak it, then I can surely create it.
And that’s the world I would like to live in.
