05/01/2026
Somewhere right now, a parent is standing in a grocery store aisle, bent slightly at the knees, whisper-arguing with a seven-year-old about why we do not lick the freezer door.
I can picture that parent clearly.
The tired eyes. The controlled voice. The quiet guilt sitting just under the skin.
They have already apologized three times today. Not because they were wrong, but because it felt easier than escalating things. Between genuine love and deep fatigue, a familiar question keeps tapping from inside.
“What if I am failing as a parent?”
“What if my child grows into someone people quietly avoid?”
When I read How to Raise Kids Who Aren’t As****es by Melinda Wenner Moyer, I felt she was speaking to that exact moment. And, if I am honest, to many moments I have witnessed inside my counselling room.
What stayed with me first was what the book did not do.
It does not scare parents.
It does not shame them.
It does not glorify obedience or control.
Instead, it begins with a truth psychology has understood for decades, even if parenting culture still struggles to accept it.
Children are not born kind.
They are not born fair.
They are not born empathetic.
They are born self-centred. And that is not a flaw. It is normal development.
As a psychologist, I see parents blaming themselves for behaviours that simply reflect an immature nervous system. The child is not the problem. The expectation is. We often ask children to behave like small adults and then feel alarmed when they cannot.
This book quietly but firmly dismantles the idea that good parenting is about control. It offers a better lens.
Not “How do I stop this behaviour?”
But “What skill is still forming?”
That shift may sound small, but it can change the emotional climate of an entire home.
What also stayed with me was the sense of relief this book allows. It says out loud what many parents are afraid to admit.
Yes, your child will say embarrassing things.
Yes, they will be selfish sometimes.
Yes, they will fail moral tests again and again.
That does not mean you are failing.
It means development is unfolding.
From a Genius Matrix perspective, this fits deeply with what I teach. Genius is not about being flawless. It is about the capacity to grow.
Here are five insights from the book that strongly echo my clinical experience.
First. Children are not giving you a hard time. They are having a hard time.
Much of what we label as “bad behaviour” is really undeveloped skill. Emotional regulation, impulse control, and perspective-taking take years to mature. Punishing a child for lacking these skills is like scolding someone for not reading before they have learned the alphabet. Teaching builds capacity. Fear builds surface-level compliance.
Second. Empathy cannot be demanded. It has to be felt first.
I have rarely seen a harsh emotional environment produce a genuinely empathetic child. Children learn compassion when they experience it, especially during emotional storms. Empathy does not come from lectures. It grows through moments of being understood.
Third. Praising identity slows growth. Noticing effort strengthens it.
Calling a child “good” or “kind” comforts adults, but it can trap children into protecting an image instead of learning from choices. Character grows when effort and decision-making are noticed. Values stick when children understand why a choice mattered.
Fourth. Fear-based morality disappears when no one is watching.
Children who behave only to avoid punishment do not develop values. They develop strategies. When parents explain reasoning, allow questions, and admit mistakes, children begin to internalize ethics. They grow a moral compass that functions even in the absence of authority.
Fifth. Parents are the curriculum.
No worksheet can replace this.
Children observe how we talk about others.
How we respond when we are wrong.
How we treat people who offer us nothing in return.
Values are not what we say at bedtime. They are what we model on difficult days.
This book does not promise to raise saints. And that is precisely why I respect it.
It promises something more realistic and more meaningful.
Children who can reflect.
Children who can repair harm.
Children who can grow after mistakes.
In a world that feels increasingly reactive and self-centred, this is not a small goal. It is a hopeful one.
As a psychologist, and as someone who sits daily with parents who are genuinely trying, I will say this plainly.
This is not about raising perfect children.
It is about raising livable humans.
And that feels not only achievable, but necessary.
Psy Vishesh
Genius Matrix Hub
