31/12/2022
I ended my last post on a sad note, this one will end on a happy one but to get there I feel the need to say that life is not meant to be black or white, it’s usually an unequal mix of the two, & to get through that we also need to go within, throughout the last month my main focus has been to feel my pain, no relationship, no distraction, nth was gonna take me away from feeling my feelings, it’s been hard but its also been amazing in some ways, I went back to reading, not just any books but books that actually held a part of me in them (ask me abt those) I practiced yoga cuz I felt like it not cuz I had to, I reconnected with my dad’s family, with the ones that have a bit of him in them, I journaled, started tapping, got myself to start eating again, I cut off people that were toxic towards me, I set some bounderies for myself & others, and I started therapy (have my sister to thank for that) … I’m a very functional depressed person (amongst other things),that is actually a bit scary to say, but I’m saying it cuz there’s absolutely nth wrong with being that, the road ahead isn’t gonna be easy but at least there is a road ahead that I def want to be walking down on, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, & thats all thanks to the love I have all around me, it was there the night I slept on a friend’s couch so that I don’t sleep on my own, it was in the neighbour that treated me like family when I didnt have mine around, it’s in the aunt that held my hand as we both cried for my dad, it’s in the sister that stuck with me on the phone for hours, it’s in the family that embraced me, the friends that saw me, the pets that stuck around and loved me through the mess of a person that I was, in the students that took me out for coffee cuz they felt how bad I was, in the chosen family that offered to help me everyday, it’s in all the random acts of kindness from total strangers, but first and foremost I know now that it’s always been within me to help myself … I think I’m a bit closer to who I think I want to be not who I was conditioned to become, I want to be better, and if life is black I want to be able to see the white in that still … sending u all the love, HNY
