14/09/2022
What is DARVO?
"People engaged in emotionally abusive behavior use DARVO to avoid accountability when they are confronted about problems or behaviors, and is a form of gaslighting used to hide said problems and behaviors." (Rayfamilytherapy.com)
DARVO is a gaslighting tactic used by abusers to escape accountability and keep their victim in a state of confusion and distort reality.
Here's a scenario to put it into perspective:
Joe promised Grace that he would be home for dinner by 7pm. Grace hustles to get the kids picked up from school, stops at the grocery store for some ingredients for dinner, and gets home with the kids. She helps them get settled and started on homework, then begins dinner preparations. Her and the kids are looking forward to daddy coming home, so they can all enjoy a family meal together. Grace texted Joe earlier in the day to remind him of their plans for 7pm family dinner, to which Joe replies "I know".
7pm rolls around, and no sign of Joe yet. Every headlight that passes through their living room window is a short lived glimmer of hope that Joe has arrived.
It's now 7:30pm, the food is cold, and the kids are hungry. Grace resigns to eating dinner with the kids, and trys to remain positive for them. She can see the disappointment on their faces, and attempts to cheer them up with a funny story.
8pm comes, no sign of Joe. Time to get the kids bathed and ready for bed. Grace lays all 4 kiddos down to sleep, makes their lunches and sets aside clothes for the next day.
9pm. She has texted and called Joe several times throughout the night, with no response. She sits alone in the living room, the sound of the clock ticking is her only companion. Feelings of sadness, anger, and disappointment swirl around in the pit of her stomach. She would be concerned that Joe isn't home yet, except that this is far from the first time this has happened.
10pm. Joe walks through the front door.. Grace quietly asks what happened. Joe replies "What do you mean?".
Grace: "Dinner. 7pm..remember? You promised you'd be home in time."
Joe: "I did? I don't remember that."
Grace: "Joe. Really? I sent you a text and you responded".
Joe: "You know what Grace? You need to get off my case. I got busy at work at it must have slipped my mind. You're so ungrateful!"
Grace: "Ungrateful? We made plans for a family dinner. The kids were looking forward to it, they were so disappointed you weren't here for dinner." *tears fall down her face*
Joe: "Wow, so I'm the bad guy now? What..because I work? I pay all the bills? I take care of this home? No, you're the bad guy here...you do nothing all day, and now your getting on MY case for providing for this family!"
Grace: "I'm sorry, I'm not trying to get on your case. It's just so disappointing that we made plans for a family dinner, and once again you don't show up".
Joe: "You are so controlling! Always dictating me when I need to be home. Well I can't help it if I get held up at the office! You know what? I'm done with this conversation! For God's sake Grace, can you just get off my back? I can't ever do anything right with you!"
Joe storms off to bed and slams the door. Grace sobs alone on her couch, in the living room, wondering what she did wrong.
