15/10/2025
What shapes a child’s sense of identity, particularly
their gender identity? Can early family dynamics influence a person’s experience of same-sex attraction later in life?
These are sensitive and complex questions.
In this article, we take a closer look at the work of Dr. Joseph Nicolosi, who worked with clients navigating unwanted same-sex attraction. His approach—though debated—raises important reflections for parents, educators, and anyone interested in child development.
A Shift in the Psychological Landscape In 1973, the American Psychiatric Association (APA) removed homosexuality from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), which
led many to stop viewing it as a psychological disorder.
Some critics believe that this change was influenced more by political pressure than by science.
In 2006, the APA stated that there is no scientifically sound evidence that sexual orientation can be changed.
Despite this, Dr. Joseph Nicolosi, a clinical psychologist, continued to argue that homosexuality is a developmental issue, not an inborn trait. He believed that the APA’s position discouraged research, open discussion, and treatment for people who experienced unwanted same-sex attraction (SSA).
Dr. Nicolosi’s View: Homosexuality as a Developmental Issue
Dr. Nicolosi didn’t deny that biological factors could play a role, such as genetic or hormonal influences. However, he believed that social, environmental, and especially family dynamics played a more significant role in shaping SSA.
He described homosexuality as a condition rooted in early developmental experiences, particularly a boy’s failure to identify with his father and secure a strong masculine identity. This theme runs through his books, A Parent’s Guide to Preventing Homosexuality.
What His Clients Have Said
Nicolosi shares stories from his clients to illustrate the emotional pain some experienced. For example, Jacob, a 25-year-old struggling with depression and unwanted SSA, expressed heartbreak over his childhood: “Mom, you saw me playing with Barbie dolls. You allowed me to use makeup & to fix my hair in front of the mirror for hours. My brothers never did any of this. Why didn’t you stop me? What were you thinking?”
“I have no doubt that Mom had wanted the best for
me. But she had nothing to say. She just sat there &
looked at me, stunned & tearful.” (p.11)
The Role of Fathers and Masculine Identity
According to Nicolosi, “At the very heart of the homosexual condition is conflict about gender.” He argued that many boys who develop SSA experienced a “gender wound” in childhood. He believed that while mothers help boys feel loved and cared for, fathers help boys become men.
During the early years—especially between ages 1.5 to 3—
Nicolosi said boys need to separate emotionally from their mothers and begin identifying with their fathers.
He emphasized the importance of what he called “shared delight”—moments of joyful connection between father and son, especially through play or shared male activities. These positive father-son experiences, he said, were key in helping a boy feel
confident in his masculinity.
When the Bond With Father Fails
Nicolosi observed that many of his clients had distant or fearful relationships with their fathers. Some fathers were emotionally absent, critical, or uninterested. As a result, the boy may reject his father too: “If he doesn’t want me, then I don’t want him either.”
Some boys would also withdraw from other male bonding and grow up feeling inadequate around other males.
One man, Richard Wyler, who later founded support groups for men with SSA, described his own experience: “Although we feared men, we pinned for their acceptance. We envied their confidence and masculinity… And as we grew, envy turned to lust… wanting to be like them, wanting to be included, they became the objects of our desire.” (p.26)
Mother-Son Relationship and Family Dynamics
Many boys with SSA were very close to their mothers—sometimes too close. Nicolosi found that in many cases, mothers unintentionally hindered their sons from moving toward their fathers. Some did this by keeping the father at a distance or by emotionally leaning too much on the son, especially if the marriage
was strained.
Sons would say things like: “My brother was always my father’s son; I was my mother’s son.”
Nicolosi argued that a healthy father should help the boy separate from his mother—not by breaking the relationship, but by helping the boy become his own person and build confidence in his male identity.
Patterns in Family Life
Nicolosi and other therapists noticed a pattern, which they called the “classic triadic relationship” in families of a homosexual man:
A distant or critical father An overinvolved or controlling mother
A sensitive, artistic, or shy boy Sometimes these families also had narcissistic dynamics, where the child felt like he existed to make
his parents happy, rather than being accepted as his own person.
This led to the development of a false self, where the boy tries to be good and compliant on the outside but feels lost and disconnected on the inside.
One SSA client expressed it this way: “To my father, I was a nothing.
To my mother, I was a conditional something. I know that on some level my mom loves me. But she stops me from being myself.”
A Call for Intentional Parenting
Nicolosi believed that masculinity must be developed and supported through intentional parenting. He said: “Masculinity is an achievement… Growing up straight is not something that just happens. It requires good parenting. It requires family support…” (p.29). It does not come naturally as it requires the male child to strive towards it intentionally, something a sensitive child would find hard to do without the help of his parents.
Crucial period for the development of a healthy gender identity is 1.5 to 3 years. Optimal time.is before the age of 12. Sometimes, even a father who is available for his other sons might leave this son alone and as a result prevent the boy from navigating the gender-identity phase of his childhood successfully.
If we do nothing, then with the onset of puberty, when he begins to feel deep sexual stirrings, the search for gender or male love will become eroticized and they will start experimenting with other boys or with older homosexuals. Nicolosi’s advice is for these fathers to seek their son out actively to move them into the
“masculine sphere”.
Dr Nicolosi emphasized that sensitive boys especially need strong and positive male role models—fathers, grandfathers, teachers, uncles, and male peers. Boys who do not receive enough male affirmation may grow up seeking that missing connection in sexualized ways.
Conclusion
After reading Nicolosi’s work, one takeaway is clear: fathers matter. Fathers must be present, engaged, and affirming of their sons’ masculinity. Mothers, too, play a key role—not by dominating or overprotecting their sons, but by helping them move toward independence and healthy male identity.
The process requires awareness, teamwork between parents, and support from the wider male community. Both parents must actively work together to help the sensitive and timid son navigate the difficult path towards adulthood, first to be secure as a person, and then be secure in his male gender identity.
Ng Hwai Chan
Psycotherapist
