28/02/2025
Many of my clients in relationships or marriages share how their anxiety gets in the way of their connection.
Explaining anxiety to your partner can be challenging, especially when you’re in the middle of experiencing it.
They struggle to make their partner understand what they’re going through, especially in moments of distress.
When anxiety hits, they often feel isolated and unsure of how to communicate their needs. In the worst cases, a partner who doesn’t understand may perceive anxiety as a weakness, responding negatively, which only increases tension in the relationship.
Step 1: Understand Your Own Anxiety First
Before explaining anxiety to your partner, you need to understand it yourself. If you don’t have clarity, it will be difficult to communicate your experience.
When you do bring it up, choose a calm moment, not when you’re already feeling anxious.
This makes it easier to express yourself clearly.
Here’s the guided topics that you could share with your partner:
A. Recognizing body sensations – What physical signs show up when you’re anxious?
B. Understanding physical effects – Does your anxiety cause heart palpitations, shortness of breath, or other symptoms?
Identifying triggers – What situations or thoughts make you feel unsafe or uncertain?
C. Knowing your needs – How can your partner best support you? Do you need them to practice breathing exercises with you, give you a reassuring hug, or offer you a glass of cold water?
Having this conversation when you’re both in a calm and positive mood will help set the foundation for better understanding.
Step 2: Communicating During an Anxiety Episode
When anxiety is already happening, clear and concise communication is key. A great tool for this is Dr. Julia Colwell’s S.E.W. framework (source):
S – Sensation
Describe what’s happening in your body:
“Hey love, my heart is racing, my palms are sweaty, and I feel tightness in my chest.”
This step helps both you and your partner become aware of your physical state.
E – Emotion
Label your feelings:
“I feel anxious and scared about our financial situation.”
Giving your emotions words helps you process them. Often, anxiety is a mix of emotions, not just one.
W – Want
State what you need in that moment:
“I need your help to calm down. Can you remind me of what we discussed before?Maybe help me with some breathing exercises?”
Once you feel calmer, you can revisit the root concern (e.g., finances) with a clearer mind.
Example of Using S.E.W
“Dear, my heart is racing again, and I feel like I can’t breathe properly. My hands and legs are shaking, and I’m scared. I feel panicked thinking about our financial situation. Please help me calm down first, so we can talk about it when I feel more stable.”
It takes practice to use S.E.W. fluently, so don’t worry if you can’t express all three steps at once.
If you can start with just Sensation (S), that’s already a win! Keep practicing, and over time, it will become easier.
Final Thoughts
Explaining anxiety to your partner in a way that they understand can deepen your relationship and help you feel more supported.
If you’ve tried these techniques but still feel misunderstood, there may be blind spots in how you’re expressing your needs. Feel free to reach out, and I can help guide you in choosing the best words to represent yourself!
