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Eccentricity, Saleng (2025)

07/10/2021

It has been quite a while since I wrote. I was battling depression and having suicidal thoughts again. I thought I was over that after I went for a good confession last June. It is very exasperating to feel this way. Nobody knew as I was still having these depressive thoughts. When I say my prayers, I always ask my late Mother to help take away these negative thoughts. My siblings were not talking to me for some time after my Mother passed away in 2017. That made things worse for me. I was only hanging on because of my nephews and nieces who were very compassionate towards me from day one.I kept in touch with them even when I was having bad days. A couple of weeks ago my Aunt passed away suddenly. I was feeling kind of funny as she was someone who went ou of her way to keep me sane. I did not cry but I could not sleep at night. By God's grace, I started sleeping well after 10 days. It brought a positive change in me. I began to be interested in everything that was happening like before. I do not know why or how this wonderful change came about. Right now, I am feeling exuberant and raring to go out in public again instead of hibernating in bed 2 weeks back.If not for the pandemic, I would have been able to travel interstate to see my good friends and relatives. Praise and thanks be to God on high for answering my prayers. Life is great!

12/06/2020

I welcome anyone who wants to share their experiences here be it tragic or blissful. You are most welcome. Please do chip so that we can grow and understand from the trials of the lives of others. Thanking you in advance!

18/05/2020

This morning was my usual half-yearly hospital appointment. I was the 2nd person to register as there was no crowding of patients at 7.30 am as the counter was opened, all in line with social distancing at this general hospital too. My time was 9 am. There were separate containers for us to put in our medical- at 8am, 9am ,10am and so on. We had our temperature taken and there was the sanitizer to clean our hands as we entered. The nurses on duty politely told us to wait for our turns to have our weight and blood pressure taken. My weight increased to 77 kg ( previously 73 kg) and my bĺood pressure was high. I could only see the lower reading ( it was 71). When my turn came to see the psychiatrist, I was pleased to see an extremely young doctor, Dr Yugendri Permal who immediately asked if I had any problems. I answered in the negative. She asked me if I could sleep so I said,' Yes!' She told me my blood pressure was high and enquired if I had high blood pressure. I told her when I checked it at home it was usually normal. The nurse who assisted Dr Yugendri asked me if I was afraid, I affirmed it. The doctor then proceeded to write out my prescription and I was told by her nurse to get an appointment date in 6 months' time. I thanked the psychiatrist and the nurse and left the room to get my appointment at the counter in front. The nurse there asked me to collect my medication at the pharmacy she fixed the date. At the pharmacy, I gave the prescription sleep to the pharmacist on duty.and waited. Under just 5 minutes, my number appeared and I collected my medication. As I walked out of the hospital, I rang up my brother but there was no answer so I called my sister-in-law, no answer again. I decided to walk to the Klinik Kesihatan Kulai which was just a stone's throw away to get an appointment for a full blood test as suggested by my nephew, Keshan and his father, Raj. There were many lining up to go in. The nurse asked me to fill my details in a list and asked me to get a number from the hospital assistant. I was told to go in. I went to the registration counter and was told to go to Counter B. The matron in charge asked me the usual questions and fixed a date for the appointment on the 28th of October. That happens to be my late parents' wedding anniversary. Then I called my brother as I was finishing a meal of mee soto in a restaurant nearby. My brother came and we stopped at a hardware shop as he wanted to get something. I walked to a shop close by and bought a few rolls of wrapping paper. That made my day! It was a positive outcome with the psychiatrist. I am usually very apprehensive towards doctors but today was an extremely good encounter! Praise and thanks be to God!

13/04/2020

Today is Monday of the Easter Octave. How was Easter this year? Simply wonderful despite no congregation gathered at churches for the Easter Triduum. Maundy Thursday mass missed the traditional washing of the feet by the priests who celebrate the beginning of the priesthood laid down by our Lord Jesus Christ 2 milleniums ago.There was only silent adoration streamed live for those who had a calling from God to witness it and worship the Blessed Sacrament. The Stations of the Cross were followed by Catholics in remembrance of Jesus' Crucifixion and Death. Normally by Good Friday, the faithful would have done their Easter duty of going for Confession. Unfortunately, this time around we had to confess directly to God without priests being available to listen to our misdeeds and prescibe Penance for us after we have confessed our sins. The Easter Vigil in years past saw packed churches but this time around it was our bishops who celebrated the mass in a closed environment with just a minimum of parishioners. Though it is a bitter pill to swallow, I feel that many have grown spiritually closer to our Good God during these recent weeks of lockdown due to the coronavirus pandemic. I believe most Catholics and others of the major religions of the world have much more precious time spent praising and expressing our gratitude for the downturn of daily life normally taken for granted by the multitudes. We are praying much more fervently now as God would have wanted us to.All in all, Easter was a great Sunday though there were hardly any commercialization of the day. It was still memorable for all of us, and I especially feel an affinity to our Maker. God is almighty and all-forgiving. He only has our best interests at heart. I take it that it is His way of healing Mother Nature with the onslaught of this devastating pandemic. All is good in God's eyes!

28/03/2020

At a time when the whole wide world is in panic over the coronavirus pandemic, I strangely am just feeling overwhelmed with a whole lot of love and prayers from friends and family alike. Is that a good vibe? I guess it depends on the individual , whether you are infected or know someone who is on life-support as a result of COVID-19. Those who are on the periphery of the affected towns and villages can only stay hibernated at home and limit going out to help stem the spread of this alarming disease. It brings about a whole change to our lifestyle of social gatherings at parties, sports events, weddings and funerals.The limit of 5 to 10 persons at most seems unbelievable. However to be safe, the population at large are following these stringent measures to the letter.Hopefully the next time I express my singular view of the current situation, things would be better and that the whole scenario would be a hundred per cent rectified. God-willing, the universal peoples will deepen their faith and belief in the Almighty for their survival in this time of upheaval. God bless us all!

21/03/2020

You know, when I look back on my 60 years of life, I realize I had more wasted time than anyone else in my family. Up till the age of 16, all was normal. Then I had a nervous breakdown before my 17th birthday. My parents were shocked and tried all they knew of to help me but it was just plain useless. My siblings too did not know what to do to assist me.I dropped out of school and lived the life of a recluse.For 3 years, I wasted time. I finally went back to school and managed to sit for the Malaysian Certificate of Education examination and somehow got through. I applied for jobs, went for interviews and finally got the job of a typist at a lawyer's firm.It was interesting working there.However, after 3 months, I resigned because I was emotionally upset when one of the staff referred to me as an idiot. I left the job and stayed home, my ego suffering from embarrassment. Suffice to say, I never ever felt confident of myself. I tried out as a kindergarten teacher but lasted only 5 weeks. My last attempt to work was as an assistant nurse but that too fell through. I spent my days feeling depressed especially when my siblings wanted me to go out and work to help support the family. It was not the best of times for me. At age 30, I tried to end my life. Instead of being happy at Christmas of 1989, I took an overdose of my medication. I was miserable.There was nothing I was interested in.However, with the birth of my sister's son, Nathaniel Keshan , I found reason to live. I was deliriously happy when the second son, Nicholas Keevan was born. I had a reason to live though I had depressive moods every now and then. My mother was a major contributor to my improved personal development.Living with my 2 nephews gave me extreme joy. I lived with them for almost 16 years. I still had to visit the psychiatrist every now and then. There is no cure for schizophrenia which I was diagnosed with. Just more medication and exasperation. Leaving my nephews in 2006 left me in dire straits. I stayed indefinitely with my brothers' families but was not happy. I had a new lease of life with Nigel Isaiah, my youngest brother's son. He was a precocious child and always showed he loved me. I was ecstatic. When my mother passed away in 2017, my life came crumbling down. I ran to the comfort of my 3rd brother's family in Johor and am presently living happily with them. It is my nieces and nephews who give me hope and I thank God immensely for them.

25/03/2018

It has been over 9 months since my mother passed away. Her absence is profoundly felt because she was a mainstay in our family especially for me as I was with her most of the time except for brief spells when I ran away to escape the torment of a trapped livelihood. No friends until my nephews and nieces wrre born. They were my outlet, I could tell them almost anything without being branded an insane person. Schizophrenia which I have had since the age of 17 caused a chasm where my siblings were concerned. They all wanted me to work to help with the family's finances but I simply could not hold on to a proper job for long. That angered them and I had simply no viable reason to be jobless.My mother admonished me but later she relented and let me do as I felt. Her absence now has sort of jumbled up my life as most of my siblings and their spouses do not want the presence of a non- contributing schizophrenic to mess up their peaceful daily routines. I have no choice but to move to my homestate ofJohor and live under the control of my 3rd brother's family. I am satisfied right now as Aunty Gladys is very motherly towards me and my nephews here are very understanding and loving towards me. Praise and thanks be to God for ending my nomadic existence these years. Amen!

13/03/2018

We love nature!

11/03/2018

I am writing today as I needed to share with all a few incidences that I have overcome. It is amost 9 months since my mother left for a better realm. Her presence is missed utterly by all in the family. 2014 and 2015 were tumultuous years for me. I wanted change but was not given the opportunity to break free from my daily monotonous routine. When I left my sister's house to venture on my own, all came to naught. My escapade to live on my own without being bogged down by family pressure was met with stern resentment by all my siblings but not my nephews and nieces who have always given me their 100 per cent support. My siblings got assistance from the police to tie me down to one place. I was admitted to the Tengku Ampuan Rahimah psychiatrict ward for 11 days. My siblings and their spouses were adamant in keeping me away from their homes. I landed up in Shal Mental home for close to 9 months. I disliked staying there. Regimented living arrangements made life miserable for me. I wanted to go home to Mama but my sisters refused to take.me back saying I was not fit to stay with anyone except at the mental institution. Mrs Sheela Thomas who was in charge there was instrumental in making me live day to day with her timely motherly advice. The only respite was on Wednesdays when I was allowed to call my nephews. Keshan who was studying in India made sure he got to speak to me at least once a week. Talking to him gave me a glimmer of hope and so too did Keevan and Nigel. They kept me sane. I cannot thank God enough for placing them in my family.After 9 long months, I finally returned to be with Mama. What a big relief it was for me. Praise and thanks be to God for all that happened along the arduous road to survival. Amen!

17/11/2014

To be eccentric is a God- endowed characteristic even though it is frowned upon by the human race if you ever mention psychiatric problems, The manner in which Robin Williams passed on give us the shivers because.most schizophrenics gave gone through that infamous path some tragically, others barely surviving after suicidal attempts. I am no exception to the rule. When all is dark and morbid taking your own life seems the easy way out even though God forbids such disastrous thinking.. Friends and family are under stress because of hardly much information on such a devastating.deformity. For almost 4 decades I have been struggling with this most unbecoming ailment, not sure whether it is really mental illness or plain laziness. My mother is the only one, who was with me, practically. throughout my life. She saw me throough all the remorseful episodes. She is still as caring now, eventhough she cannot do much now but pray, being 94. I would not be as well now, if not for, her ..Thanks too to the, Malaysian psychiatrists who have, been responsible for my improved condition.Kudos to the Malaysian Medical Staff for, the excellent job done.,

Eccentricity

07/10/2021

12/06/2020

18/05/2020

13/04/2020

28/03/2020

21/03/2020

25/03/2018

13/03/2018

11/03/2018

17/11/2014

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