05/10/2025
Honoring Loss, Finding Support: A Sleep Therapist’s Message for Infant Loss Awareness
Trigger warning: This post touches on miscarriage, infant loss, and medical trauma. If you’re reading and need support, consider reaching out to a trusted clinician, counselor, or a local support group.
As a professional sleep consultant, my work centers on guiding families toward restful nights and healthier routines. But behind every bedtime routine are stories that extend far beyond sleep—stories of joy, hope, worry, and, for many, heartache. October is Infant Loss Awareness Month, and today I want to honor the families who carry the weight of miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss. This is for you, for your lives, and for the quiet moments when sleep feels impossible because grief speaks loudly in the night.
A personal note from the heart
This year marks a deeply personal milestone for my family. October would have been the month our fourth daughter would have joined our household. In May, our baby’s heart stopped beating, and I experienced a miscarriage followed by an emergency hysterectomy to save my life. The year since has been emotionally draining and physically challenging. Sharing this openly is not easy, but I believe in the power of speaking our truth to break the silence that too often surrounds infant loss.
Loss is real, and it is not one-size-fits-all
Miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss are profoundly personal experiences. Every journey is unique, and the feelings—shock, guilt, anger, hollow grief, relief, and longing—can surface in waves.
Grief does not follow a neat timeline. Sleep, routine, and health can all be affected in complex ways as your body and mind process trauma, hormones, and overwhelming emotion.
Why I’m writing this as a sleep professional
Sleep is a foundational part of healing. When grief disrupts sleep, the body’s stress response can become chronic, making daytime functioning and caregiving harder.
Parents, partners, and families often become “invisible” in medical and social spaces after a loss. Acknowledging the grief and seeking support can improve both emotional well-being and sleep quality.
Your voice matters. You are allowed to speak about your loss, to ask for help, and to advocate for your needs without stigma.
Ways grief can affect sleep
Night awakenings, intrusive thoughts, or vivid dreams related to loss
Difficulty falling asleep due to racing thoughts or hypervigilance
Sleep maintenance problems (early morning awakenings) linked to anxiety or guilt
Physical effects: fatigue, body tension, headaches, sleep-disordered breathing in some post-surgical contexts
What helped me, and what may help you
Normalize your grief: There is no “right” way to grieve. Acknowledge your emotions as valid.
Seek support: Reach out to trusted friends or family, join a loss support group, or talk with a counselor who understands perinatal loss.
Build a compassionate sleep routine:
Consistent bed and wake times, even on weekends
A calming pre-sleep ritual (light stretching, breathing exercises, gentle music)
A sleep environment that feels safe and soothing (dim lights, white noise, comfortable temperature)
Limiting caffeine and screens before bed
Mindful strategies for nighttime distress:
Grounding exercises (5-4-3-2-1 sensory techniques)
Journaling or a “worry journal” to capture thoughts at a set time earlier in the evening
Brief, goal-oriented breathing: inhale 4, hold 4, exhale 6, for several cycles
Seek specialized care if needed:
A perinatal loss counselor or therapist experienced with grief and trauma
A sleep specialist if sleep problems persist or you notice sleep-disordered breathing or chronic insomnia after trauma
Your medical team if there are ongoing physical health concerns from the hysterectomy or other procedures
Finding strength in community and making room for your story
You are not alone. Many families navigate the unspoken grief of infant loss, and sharing your story—on your own terms—can be a powerful act of healing.
Consider small acts of remembrance that feel meaningful to you: a dedicated bedtime routine in honor of your baby, a memory box, or writing a letter to your child you never got to meet.
If you’re comfortable, share your story with trusted circles or online communities focused on perinatal loss. You may find voices that echo your own and ideas for coping that resonate.
Practical steps you can take this week
Schedule a check-in with your primary care provider or a mental health professional to discuss sleep and grief symptoms.
Create a “soft sleep plan”:
Set a consistent bedtime and wake time
Establish a 20- or 30-minute wind-down routine that excludes screens
Prepare a quiet, comforting sleep environment
Start a brief journaling habit in the early evening to offload racing thoughts
Reach out to a support group or counselor who specializes in perinatal loss
If safe and appropriate, discuss with your doctor whether a sleep-friendly coping strategy or temporary aids (e.g., sleep diary, short-term sleep aids under medical guidance) could help during the most intense weeks
A note on hope and cadence
This journey is not about “getting over” loss but about learning to live with it while tending to your health and your family’s needs. Sleep can be a small, gentle anchor in the storm—something that sustains you enough to show up for your loved ones, including the future you hope to welcoming when the time feels right.
If you’re reading this and you’ve experienced something similar, please know:
Your feelings are valid.
You deserve support and care.
You are not alone.
If you’d like, I can tailor a sleep plan to your specific situation, including a gentle bedtime routine, relaxation exercises, and a step-by-step approach to rebuilding sleep health after trauma. You can share as much or as little as you’re comfortable with, and we’ll take it one small, compassionate step at a time.
With warmth and solidarity,
Karola Marais
Sleep Consultant thesleep.co
