07/08/2024
HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF LIVING A NARCISSIST
Narcissists are psychologically ill and unreasonable people, don’t take their mindless behaviours personally. The best solution is to go no-contact with them. But we all know that these will not be possible to do in some cases. So, let's see how we can live our lives around them and still keep our dignity, respect and civility (Dr Les Cater).
(1) Prioritize your peace of mind.
(2) Refuse (calmly but assertively) to be spoken to in a disrespectful manner and be zero-tolerant to any form of violence from them, especially the males. Narcs can be very deadly with anger if you stand in their way, so don't take lightly any form of violence. You should also see to it that you don't purposely or defiantly provoke them. Words like, "You're a bastard if you don't hit me" will only result in unpleasant situation with a narc. Promptly report them to the appropriate authorities. Nobody should trivialize this counsel because many have died in the hands of violent spouses, because they won't speak up, thinking the narc will change. There are government agencies and NGOs who are more than willing to pick up violent spouses with criminal tendencies. Narcs use irrational rage and anger to get their way, it's one of their weapons, so you must set boundaries to what they can and cannot do with you when they're angry.
(3) Insist on being YOUrself. Narcs will like you to be an extension of themselves with the bid to puppet-control you. Refuse this with every might you can summon, but not by violence. They'll wage abusive and attitudinal war against you for this, but be strong to remain on your feet. Take note that there won't be pleading, coaxing or persuading when dealing with a narc; all that will only empower them more to afflict you. Develop a thick-skin to their insults. It's a battle for your freedom, so fight manfully. They'll eventually recognize that that's their boundary with you and leave you alone. That doesn't mean they won't come back again at another time, so be at alert.
(4) Barring God’s intervention, stop hoping the narc will ever change, unfortunately, this includes professing Christian narcs. These people are so self-absorbed that they don't know the difference between their wills and God's will in issues, especially when God's will is in direct contradiction to their ego and self-pride. They have psychological difficulty at surrendering their wills to the control of the Holy Spirit and the word of God. This is why it is not uncommon to find them exploit and take for granted the submission of genuine and empathic Christians in a marriage or Church setting.
(5) Don't engage a narc in argument or conflict of words, you can’t win. Why? They’re good at twisting the truth and are pathological liars with poor or dead consciences. More so, they enjoy watching you get all worked up getting angry, confused or bursting out crying. All that will only fuel their 'narcissistic supply'. Narcs love any type of reactions to their games, whether positive or negative. So, refuse to join in on their game by simply stating the truth and quit talking after that.
(6) Respond, don’t react (i.e in anger) to their attacks; state the truth and keep quiet. Learn to be calm around them in every kind of situation with a NEUTRAL EMOTION.
(7) Demonstrate you don’t care about their criticisms, shaming, blaming, bullying, name-calling, and rage (not in words but with action; simply focus on yourself and whatever you have at hand you're doing). Learn to be totally indifferent in their presence. Practically IGNORE them and their games like they don't exist.
(8) Stop trying to please them, you can’t; they’re bottomless pit. Even if you cut your head on a "charger" for them, they'll still complain that you didn't cut your neck with it. Only God knows how many husbands have been wrecked financially while trying to please their narc wives. And only God knows how many wives have died of exhaustion while overworking themselves to satisfy their overly critical narc husbands in the home.
It's also a taboo to narcs to let you go with the feeling of accomplishment that you did anything good for them, because that will mean (to them) that they're inferior to you. Therefore, they must find fault in your good deeds to bring your spirit down and feel worthless before them. So, save yourself the trouble; DO YOUR APPROPRIATE BEST with a honest heart and leave the rest, IGNORING their criticism.
(9) You must know that the only person your narc spouse care for in your marriage is him/herself, so be wise to reprioritize your life and start taking care of yourself and your wellbeing. I'm not saying you should stop taking care of them, but you mustn't be leaving yourself behind anymore. Look out for yourself and prepare for your old age without the care of your selfish partner in it (may that never happen; but what I'm saying is that you must prepare for any type of possibilities, prayerfully. Narcs aren't reliable partners to depend upon at one's vulnerable state; you should remember their attitude towards you the last time you were sick). Network with family and friends who know you well and care for you genuinely. Be good friends with your children, let them know you care for them. Show them the things you do to take care of them so it won't be easy for your narc partner to use them as pawn to get at you in the present or in the future.
"Cast me not off in the time of old age; forsake me not when my strength faileth" (Ps 71:9).
(10) Be cordial with them but don't engage. Stop all intimate sharing with them (even in marriage), the info you give them of yourself now will be used against you later. Narcs are highly manipulative and exploitative people, be wary of the power you give them over you via sensitive and personal infos you let out to them. You see why you cannot be close friends with a narc spouse? Just focus on staying functional in the marriage, because there's never going to be that intimate friendship.
(11) They’re people of chronic envy (they're envious of other people and believe everyone is envious of them); so don’t expect they’ll seek or be truly happy with your success. They won't support you to succeed except when they have a specific selfish gain to derive out of it. Relationship, to them, is competition; "I'm superior, you're inferior", "I take, you give". The concept of "team" doesn't ring any bell with narcs at all, even in marital relationship. Couples complimenting each other is alien to the tenets of narcs. Narcs don't believe that one spouse's strength should be used to compliment his/her partner's weakness (emotional, spiritual or financial); but they hold that such strength should be used as a weapon to shame and intimidate their spouse in times of their crisis. That is why anything that they do for their partner in the family has a price tag.
Marriage is essentially transactional to a narcissist. They enter into marriage with the notion of what they'll gain from the other fellow rather than what they'll contribute.
(12) Let your words be few with them; the more words you speak the greater the chances of entanglement with a narc. Going grey-rock is perfect to keep them at bay. It will also reduce their nefarious games at you, so you can be at peace with yourself.
