21/04/2021
Beautiful
THE RELIEF OF BEING BELIEVED: ON SPIRITUAL, MEDICAL AND THERAPEUTIC GASLIGHTING
by Jeff Foster
"Let me be crystal clear: if you’ve faced a tragedy and someone tells you in any way, shape or form that your tragedy was meant to be, that it happened for a reason, that it will make you a better person… you have every right to remove them from your life.
Grief is brutally painful. Grief does not only occur when someone dies. When relationships fall apart, you grieve. When opportunities are shattered, you grieve. When dreams die, you grieve. When illnesses wreck you, you grieve.
So I’m going to repeat a few words I’ve uttered countless times; words so powerful and honest they tear at the hubris of every jackass who participates in the debasing of the grieving:
Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried."
- Tim Lawrence
(“Everything Doesn’t Happen For A Reason”)
*
I love these wise words from Tim Lawrence, and the beautiful quote from Megan Devine at the end:
"Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried."
I want to say a little about what it means to be supported through tragedy.
When we are sick, injured, in pain, experiencing a shattering of the old life, we can feel very vulnerable, powerless, and we long for answers, solutions. In our desperation, we can be drawn to confident, self-assured people – doctors, masters, healers, therapists, gurus - who seem like they have the cures, answers, fixes, solutions, remedies and magic potions. It can feel like a matter of life and death for us sometimes, this search for relief, for a way to get through the day… or even for just for a moment’s respite from bodily agony.
In such a weakened, defenceless, groundless, frightened state, we can become easy targets for others trying to push their beliefs, theories and dogmas onto us.
“Gaslighting”, simply put, is when a person, or a cult-like group of people, manipulates you into deeply doubting your own reality, questioning your own first-hand perceptions and experiences and memories and feelings, distrusting the things you know in your very gut.
In the presence of such manipulation, you become confused about your own deepest beliefs, and begin to doubt your own inner compass. You feel dizzy, dazed, groundless, lost and alone. Gaslighters do this – consciously or not - in order to destabilise you and have control over you, and ultimately make you dependent on them. They play the guru to your disciple, the powerful “One Who Knows” to your ignorant child, the Wizard of Oz to your Dorothy.
They do this in order to run from their own pain, fear, shame… and lack of answers.
Family members may not believe us when we tell them that we have pains and aches in the body, or uncomfortable or frightening sensations, or that we are feeling fatigued or unwell. They may try to convince us that we are just lazy, or looking for attention, or being manipulative, or self-centred.
“You're not really in pain, it's all in your head! You're so selfish! Why don’t you think about MY pain for once in your life!”
Spiritual teachers may tell us that we have “created” our own sickness, manifested our own cancer, brought our own heart or lung or kidney condition, infection, sickness into being through our unconsciousness. They may proclaim that our pain or misfortune isn’t real, it’s just our fearful ego looking for validation, it’s just our closed heart and our resistance to life manifesting in the body, it’s just an illusion. And if we can just surrender, if we can just “kill the ego” or “rest as Pure Awareness”, or meditate deeply enough, or let go of the body enough, we will be well again.
“Fully awakened beings never get sick!”
Others – healers, therapists, friends, family, often well-meaning and well-intentioned, although not always - may tell us that we are sick simply because we are emotionally repressed, or that our “illness”, which isn’t really an “illness”, is a good thing, a wonderful thing, destined to happen, and it’s all just a manifestation of our unprocessed trauma or unlived life, and when we get in touch with our buried childhood or pre-childhood feelings, and finally face our core issues, all our symptoms will magically disappear.
“You’re sick because of your unresolved childhood trauma. It’s your toxic relationship with your mother… you need to get in touch with your rage towards her right now!”
“Your sickness is a test from the Universe! Embrace it! It’s a wonderful part of your healing journey!”
Such simplistic ideas are compelling.
And... I don’t doubt that getting in touch with and expressing repressed emotions and finding the meaning in our suffering and softening into our pain can be a huge part of the healing process for some.
Religious people might tell us that our illness is some kind of punishment from God, or that we are experiencing the effects of karma, or that we have sinned in a previous life, and so we “deserve” this tragedy in our lives somehow. Medical doctors, too, might diagnose us with certain diseases, physical or psychological conditions, and give us their prognosis, and tell us that that their view is the objective, unquestionable, unshakeable truth. (And I am not against Western medicine at all).
The point is, what is YOUR truth?
Whose path do YOU follow?
Who has the answers for YOU?
There are so many lenses through which to view the body and its aches and pains and imbalances and limitations. There are so many people offering so many perspectives, especially these days. The mind-body connection is truly mysterious, no doubt. But the truth is… nobody really knows the truth! At least, for you. Nobody really knows your deepest truth. You may see a top doctor in London or New York, and they may diagnose you with a certain “disease”… and they may end up being wrong. You may see a trauma specialist who is utterly convinced that your cancer or fatigue or depression or chronic pain has trauma or repressed emotion as its absolute root cause… but they may end up being misguided, wrong, off the mark, reductive in their certainty. You may see a spiritual teacher who just “knows” that your disease is a wonderful gift from the universe, or a “sign” that your body is ready for the next level of enlightenment or the next stage of spiritual evolution… and that may end up being completely, utterly false.
The point is, everyone you speak to is going to have a different perspective on what’s happening in YOUR body and mind.
The honest ones will own their own perspective, humbly offer what’s been helpful to them, but admit that ultimately they do not know for sure what the right path is for you. They will own their own projections. They will give you your authority and sovereignty and freedom, and acknowledge that you are in a vulnerable state, frightened and seeking answers. They will not take advantage of you in that tender place. They will honour your ache and your path. They will not speak for you. They will listen, deeply, to you. They will hold you in Presence. They will grieve with you, weep with you, rage to the heavens with you. They will not invalidate your yearning. You will feel loved, and believed, and understood, and safe, and your nervous system will sense this safety, it is programmed to do this.
The unconscious ones, unfortunately, will force their perspective on you, will claim to know the absolute truth, and will make you feel bad or wrong or guilty or stupid for not believing, not signing up to their cult, not seeing them as the authority. By denying your reality, contradicting you and even themselves at times, throwing in false and half-true information, and minimising or downright ignoring your feelings and perspectives and memories and “symptoms”, they’ll gradually make you question and doubt your emotional, spiritual and physical reality and truth and even your sanity… until you are utterly reliant on them, under their spell, a disciple to their guru, a powerless “patient”, willing to do and be and believe anything they say, repressing your own grief and rage and truth. In your total innocence, you have given your power away.
Medical doctors can be cult leaders. Spiritual teachers can be cult leaders. Psychotherapists, trauma specialists, healers, life coaches, friends and family members can be cult leaders, without ever realising it.
When it comes to the mysteries of the bodymind, nobody really knows what’s best… for YOU.
As Nietzche said, no matter how “right” we think we are, we are all imperfect, and “human, all too human…”
When you’re being gaslit, you’ll most likely feel like you’re going crazy. You’ll feel unsafe, unstable, groundless, dizzy, like you don’t know what to believe anymore, like your whole life was a lie, like you can’t trust your own deepest intuition or senses anymore. You’ll wonder if anything you saw or felt or heard or thought or perceived was real.
But you aren’t crazy. You’ve just silenced the roar in your guts, the part that knows, and let someone else’s projections become your reality.
(Part of you wants to believe that someone else has the truth. Of course! You want to get better. You want to heal. You want to stay safe. You are so innocent. No blame here. Bless our innocent hearts!)
I’m not telling you to distrust everyone, or suggesting that everyone is out to manipulate you or drive you crazy. I’m not saying that some people don’t have answers for you, or at least, helpful teachings, therapies, medications, treatments, insights, and so on. I’m not saying there is no hope for you, and I’m not telling you not to pursue every modality of healing that you’re called to pursue.
I’m not saying that miracles don’t happen every single day.
I’m not even saying that one day, with time and integration, you won’t begin to find your own deep meaning, and even perspective and purpose, in your current tragedy.
I’m just reminding you to stay true to yourself now. Trust your own deepest experience, even if it’s painful. I’m reminding you to listen to your guts, every step of the way, even if you are weak, tired, full of grief and exhausted from the journey. To listen… as if your life depends on it, because it does.
Even if you are made to feel wrong or naïve or crazy for doing so.
Even if they laugh at you and mock you when you follow your own path.
Even if you have to step away from false hopes and promises of Utopia and perfect health, and plunge more deeply into the Dark and Wild Unknown.
Illness is not weakness.
Suffering is not shameful or a sign of failure.
As the great Greek playwrights knew, tragedy and misfortune, sickness and pain, can befall anyone, at any time.
None of us are immune, none of us are protected from “the will of the gods”, and our hubris will be crushed in the end.
The ego has no hope of controlling the chaos of relative existence.
Sometimes there are no easy answers. None.
Sometimes nothing makes sense anymore.
Sometimes we just have to grieve.
And rage at the heavens.
And face the future, bravely, without answers.
Trust your gut, your intuition, your knowing, your deep heart, my friends – these are the Inner Lights that cannot die.
"Survival in grief, even eventually building a new life alongside grief, comes with the willingness to bear witness, both to yourself and to the others who find themselves inside this life they didn’t see coming."
- Megan Devine
With love,
Jeff x
