The landscapes of our lives can sometimes feel littered with challenge & difficulty. I can walk with you as you traverse these places..
helping you to re-author your current life story in new and strengthening ways.
09/12/2025
Love Lives in the Little Things
Yes indeed it does. A quick read on how to "water" your relationship.
Hope you enjoy!
Closeness doesn’t evaporate overnight ... it fades away in the small spaces where we forget to see each other.The small little things we stop noticing and doing; tiny gestures before leaving the house, the things that go unseen or unnoticed. The everyday micro-moments of paying attention that migh...
02/12/2025
December 2025 Newsletter:
"Surrendering; Words on Failure; Judgements as Confessions; Why You Feel so Lost in Life..."
..may there be some words in here for you.
Hilary
A Time To Rest Hilary ~ and all the plants (aka my listening companions) here at goodTherapy ~ will be taking a restorative break from 19 December 2025 to 19 January 2026. I look forward to reconnecting with you in the new year. Sincere thanks to everyone who has chosen to work with me in 2025. It i...
12/11/2025
So useful! From the Relational Life Institute.
Learning the true art of being in relationship improves your own life exponentially.
25/10/2025
Interesting. The link between early neglect and hyper-independence.
So important to be able to both stand on yr own two feet AND lean on others too.
THE NEUROSCIENCE OF COMPLAINING
Some really good points: not only about what it does to ourselves, but also what does to the people around us. Seems that changing the amount of complaining we do will bring good all over the place. Hope it motivates you to be more conscious around your communications.
Hilary
(Note: just to be clear: this is not an encouragement to sit on feelings or not ask for ones needs to be met... as we all know, it's all about the way we do it. :-) https://www.instagram.com/p/DPjnOkXkTua/?igsh=MW83ZnZtMjByeGxtZw==
05/10/2025
Power in relationships (real or perceived) has a big impact on the ways in which we communicate.
The example below is using organisational examples but is just as useful in any relationship domain.
Perspective taking is indeed a relationship superpower!
It’s the power you want to develop for increasing your relationship mindfulness practise.
🌻
One skill separates great communicators from average ones:
Perspective-taking.
The ability to see things from someone else’s point of view.
But most people do it wrong.
Here’s how to do it right, especially when you’re leading or being led:
When you’re the boss, persuading down:
You’re trying to convince Maria on your team to do something different.
She’s pushing back.
Your instinct might be to assert your authority.
But that’s a mistake.
Here’s why…
Research shows:
The more powerful you feel, the worse your perspective-taking becomes.
More power = less understanding.
So if you want to persuade Maria, don’t lean into your title.
Do the opposite: dial your power down, just briefly.
Try this:
Before the next conversation, remind yourself:
Maria has power too.
I need her buy-in.
Maybe she sees something I don’t.
Lower your feelings of power to raise your perspective.
From that place, ask:
→ What does she see that I’m missing?
→ What might be in her way?
→ What’s a win-win outcome?
That shift changes the entire dynamic.
Instead of steamrolling, you’re collaborating.
And that’s how you earn trust and results.
Now flip it.
You’re the employee persuading your boss.
It’s a high-stakes moment.
You’re nervous.
So do you appeal to emotion?
No.
Drop the feelings. Focus on interests.
Here’s the key question:
“What’s in it for them?”
Not how you feel. Not your big dream.
→ Will it save time?
→ Improve performance?
→ Help them hit their goals?
Make it about their world, not yours.
Why?
Because every boss has a mental shortcut:
→ Does this employee make my life easier or harder?
Be the person who brings clarity, ideas, and upside.
Not complaints, drama, or friction.
In summary:
→ Persuading down? Dial down your power to see clearer.
→ Persuading up? Focus on their interests, not your emotions.
Perspective-taking is a superpower, if you learn how to use it.
Now practice, practice, practice.
04/10/2025
Questions as a Love Language; The link between Self-blame and Depression; Dealing with Annoying People.... + more
In line with the name of my newsletter "How To Be Imperfect", it is two months late! But here it is:
This is an old post from Nicole Le Pera (the Holistic Psychologist), but is so worth a re-look. When partners make the effort to be interested in each other, intimacy, closeness, & safety flourishes. Lack of truly curious and open questions will spell trouble for any relationship. In my work I see t...
01/10/2025
This is an old post from Nicole Le Pera (the Holistic Psychologist), but is so worth repeating.
When partners make the effort to be interested in each other, intimacy, closeness, & safety flourishes.
Lack of truly curious and open questions will spell trouble for any relationship. In my work I see that this creates a lot of stress and also loneliness.
Help your partner to feel really loved through the *open* questions you ask…. about everything!
28/09/2025
Defensiveness = Selfishness
It’s the opposite of being curious about whats important to your partner. It’s a gift to the biosphere of your relationship to reduce this as much as you can.
Please and thank you.
Simple & good relationship advice!
27/08/2025
True words!
"Most people think love is proven in the good times. It’s not.
It’s what you do after the damage has been done that tells the truth about your relationship.
Repair is the skill that holds everything else together."
11/08/2025
Ask Death! An interesting substack to subscribe to, always has interesting perspectives to share. Here is the latest:
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Difficulties are part of being human, and when things get hard we all need help to find the way ‘home’ again. What is home? When we get there, we know. ‘Home’ can be as simple as a greater sense of ease, freedom, or power around something that’s difficult.
Sometimes the issue troubling you may be just a road-bump. Other times it may be something really hard that’s been affecting you for a long time. Whichever it is, narrative conversations can be really helpful around charting a pathway from where you are now to where you’d like to be.
We can talk together about what you most want to create in your life and through having Conversations of Hope, rediscover (and create) strengths and resources to help with the problem, and develop skills to deal with the inevitable ‘stuff of life’ when it arises again.
~ Who is Hilary? ~
Over the past 25 years, I have both studied (and experienced) a number of different therapies, mostly strengths-based approaches. I am most strongly influeneed by Narrative practise & ideas, but have an equally strong interest in Social Neuroscience - it’s totally fascinating to look at and understand more about how our body/mind works and how attending to ourselves in this way can have such a deep impact on our experience of life.
I really like to laugh and also to connect with the depths.
Meeting my own personal challenges has given me some of my most useful ‘qualifications’. I have a natural curiosity, compassion and empathy for the human journey (both my own and others).
I like to assist people in knowing the very individual nature of their own ‘tree of life’ - sometimes the difficulties we have to work with can disconnect us from this tree. Through telling our stories (and re-discovering forgotten stories or ‘narratives’) we can begin to identify the deep roots, the strong trunk, the leaves and the fruits.
