GoodTherapy

12/11/2025

So useful! From the Relational Life Institute.
Learning the true art of being in relationship improves your own life exponentially.

25/10/2025

Interesting. The link between early neglect and hyper-independence.
So important to be able to both stand on yr own two feet AND lean on others too.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DAwYTtxg_lp/?igsh=bmVrbGNvaHRhM21h

23/10/2025

THE NEUROSCIENCE OF COMPLAINING
Some really good points: not only about what it does to ourselves, but also what does to the people around us. Seems that changing the amount of complaining we do will bring good all over the place. Hope it motivates you to be more conscious around your communications.
Hilary
(Note: just to be clear: this is not an encouragement to sit on feelings or not ask for ones needs to be met... as we all know, it's all about the way we do it. :-)
https://www.instagram.com/p/DPjnOkXkTua/?igsh=MW83ZnZtMjByeGxtZw==

05/10/2025

Power in relationships (real or perceived) has a big impact on the ways in which we communicate.
The example below is using organisational examples but is just as useful in any relationship domain.
Perspective taking is indeed a relationship superpower!
It’s the power you want to develop for increasing your relationship mindfulness practise.
🌻

One skill separates great communicators from average ones:

Perspective-taking.

The ability to see things from someone else’s point of view.

But most people do it wrong.

Here’s how to do it right, especially when you’re leading or being led:

When you’re the boss, persuading down:

You’re trying to convince Maria on your team to do something different.

She’s pushing back.

Your instinct might be to assert your authority.

But that’s a mistake.

Here’s why…

Research shows:

The more powerful you feel, the worse your perspective-taking becomes.

More power = less understanding.

So if you want to persuade Maria, don’t lean into your title.

Do the opposite: dial your power down, just briefly.

Try this:

Before the next conversation, remind yourself:

Maria has power too.
I need her buy-in.
Maybe she sees something I don’t.

Lower your feelings of power to raise your perspective.

From that place, ask:

→ What does she see that I’m missing?
→ What might be in her way?
→ What’s a win-win outcome?

That shift changes the entire dynamic.

Instead of steamrolling, you’re collaborating.

And that’s how you earn trust and results.

Now flip it.

You’re the employee persuading your boss.

It’s a high-stakes moment.

You’re nervous.

So do you appeal to emotion?

No.

Drop the feelings. Focus on interests.

Here’s the key question:

“What’s in it for them?”

Not how you feel. Not your big dream.

→ Will it save time?
→ Improve performance?
→ Help them hit their goals?

Make it about their world, not yours.

Why?

Because every boss has a mental shortcut:

→ Does this employee make my life easier or harder?

Be the person who brings clarity, ideas, and upside.

Not complaints, drama, or friction.

In summary:

→ Persuading down? Dial down your power to see clearer.
→ Persuading up? Focus on their interests, not your emotions.

Perspective-taking is a superpower, if you learn how to use it.

Now practice, practice, practice.

04/10/2025

Questions as a Love Language; The link between Self-blame and Depression; Dealing with Annoying People.... + more

In line with the name of my newsletter "How To Be Imperfect", it is two months late! But here it is:

This is an old post from Nicole Le Pera (the Holistic Psychologist), but is so worth a re-look. When partners make the effort to be interested in each other, intimacy, closeness, & safety flourishes. Lack of truly curious and open questions will spell trouble for any relationship. In my work I see t...

01/10/2025

This is an old post from Nicole Le Pera (the Holistic Psychologist), but is so worth repeating.

When partners make the effort to be interested in each other, intimacy, closeness, & safety flourishes.

Lack of truly curious and open questions will spell trouble for any relationship. In my work I see that this creates a lot of stress and also loneliness.

Help your partner to feel really loved through the *open* questions you ask…. about everything!

28/09/2025

Defensiveness = Selfishness

It’s the opposite of being curious about whats important to your partner. It’s a gift to the biosphere of your relationship to reduce this as much as you can.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DLidEppz-QR/?igsh=Y3poZmd2YTB0NXJl

17/09/2025

Please and thank you.
Simple & good relationship advice!

27/08/2025

True words!
"Most people think love is proven in the good times. It’s not.
It’s what you do after the damage has been done that tells the truth about your relationship.
Repair is the skill that holds everything else together."

11/08/2025

Ask Death! An interesting substack to subscribe to, always has interesting perspectives to share. Here is the latest:

How am I going to pay rent?

07/08/2025

Love this guys work… 😁

it’s worth saying that even tho the actual clinical diagnosis is rare, and this word gets thrown around a LOT… the truth is we all have these tendancies, and they are worth watching out for!

23/07/2025

“I need space!!”… a common retort when couples are in conflict. Well, here’s the truth on that. Yes take space… but you need to re-engage! Do not use space to punish your partner. All you’re doing is punishing the relationship (and therefore yourself as well)

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DMa1twri07y/?igsh=ZGE4c2cxOTBzdGgz