Lana Jago Coaching

Lana Jago Coaching Break patterns. Build real connection
🌈 Queer 🔮 Witchy ⛓️ Kinky
ENM-friendly Relationship Coach

14/11/2025

Are you giving in the hope of receiving something in return?

Not necessarily something tangible, but still something. And probably something you're not even conscious of.

Over-giving, rescuing, people-pleasing, are often (underneath it all) about feeling seem, needed, chosen, wanted, validated or worthy.

If this is going on, or if you're giving at the expense of your self, then something has to change.

12/11/2025

"Rejection" doesn't hit so hard, if you're not first rejecting yourself 😅

Learn to choose yourself, before seeking out another to choose you.

Not sure how? That's where I can help 💜

05/11/2025

Reflecting on the idea of non-attachment the other day, I realised that, more often than not, what stops me from being unattached to an outcome is the fear of what it NOT happening will mean - rather than because I desperately desire that particular outcome.

It's a fear of the unknown alternative.

Which sits directly in conflict with my deep trust that I am always being guided to that which is most right for me.

So now that I've recognised it, when I find myself back in that place of fear-driven attachment to something, I can remind myself that if it's not that, then it'll be something MORE ALIGNED for me. Not necessarily easier, not necessarily "better" (in the way we tend to think of better) - but always what's needed and right for what I'm here to do and experience.

And THAT is an alternative I can get on board with ✨

Recently, I’ve been reflecting on shame - and how often I’ve still been unconsciously shaming myself for my needs and de...
04/11/2025

Recently, I’ve been reflecting on shame - and how often I’ve still been unconsciously shaming myself for my needs and desires.

Now you might be wondering what shame’s got to do with our relationships, but bear with me!

I talk about love for another being, “I see exactly who and where you are - and even if you didn’t change a single inch from who you are today, and I would still choose you”.

But could I honestly say this about myself? Could you?

If you’d asked me before this last couple of weeks, I would have said that I had a pretty good level of self-love. But I realised that in holding so much internal shame, I was essentially saying to myself, that I wouldn’t choose me. That until I was different in some way, I wasn’t worthy of my own love 😱

Ooooffff! That hit!

And here’s the thing - if you’re unconsciously shaming yourself for literally being yourself, then how free to be yourself do you think you’ll feel around others? How much do you think you’ll truly show up as who you are, rather than who you think you’re supposed to be? And if you’re not showing up as who you are, then the relationships can’t possibly be fully authentic.

Not only that, but our external world is so often a reflection of our inner one. If we’re shaming ourselves internally, how are we also projecting that onto other people in our lives? I know my parenting becomes more shame-based, when my internal critic is being particularly bitchy! And that’s something (having been parented by shame and disappointment myself) that I’ve worked really hard to avoid. It doesn’t feel great at all when I hear that voice being directed at my kids.

One of the most powerful things we can do for our relationships with others, is notice when we’re shaming ourselves. From there, we can begin the process of examining what’s underneath the shame, so that we can start to shift it - and allow ourselves to show up fully, lovingly, and authentically.

There’s so much talk about ‘self-love’ these days, but is what they’re talking about really love?

How might it feel to truly love yourself unconditionally - without shame, judgement, expectations or criteria?

29/10/2025

Registrations are open for the next intake of my workshop series!

This 3-part online series teaches foundational awareness that will change the way you see and understand ALL of your relationships, not just your intimate/romantic ones. If you're ready to shift your patterns for good, this is where it starts ✨

We begin next Thursday! Are you in?

.Life LessonsI learnt to call it peace-keepingWhen really it wasA nervous system that couldn't holdEveryone else's tensi...
23/10/2025

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Life Lessons

I learnt to call it peace-keeping
When really it was
A nervous system that couldn't hold
Everyone else's tension.
It was fear of being judged, attacked,
Or worse - misunderstood.
So I bit my tongue and kept everyone's peace
Except my own.

I learnt to call it over-giving
When really it was
The inability to receive
And feel worthy.
So I'd pay with my wellbeing, and wonder -
Why is it called people-pleasing,
When the one person that should matter
Goes without?

I learnt to call it overthinking
When really it was
The process of gaslighting
My inner knowing.
So I guess, in a way, I was right -
Too much thinking
When I should have been listening
To my soul.

I learnt to call it love
When really it was
A fear of never truly
Knowing love.
It was loneliness, sacrifice, parenting
And fixing -
Not love, but abandonment and betrayal
Of my very self.

22/10/2025

Your worth is NEVER dependent on someone choosing you!

Your relationship status is NEVER a reflection of your value!

Repeat after me: "I don't need someone to choose me, to prove that I'm worthy of being chosen"

The places we work SO hard to grow love, when we don't realise the enormous capacity we have for it within us.The things...
18/10/2025

The places we work SO hard to grow love, when we don't realise the enormous capacity we have for it within us.

The things we go without, when we don't see the abundance of love in our hearts.

The distance we walk away from ourselves, when we don't recognise that home is our own soul.

Forgive yourself for trying to grow love in a barren space - you didn't know there was fertile ground right there in your own heart ✨

16/10/2025

Another reason we find ourselves clinging to crumbs to sustain us, is the fear of starvation. A handful of crumbs seems better than a handful of nothing.

For many, it’s the fear of being alone - or of never finding better - that keeps us settling for crumbs. Even those of us who consider ourselves strong and independent, and who can manage perfectly well without a partner, can still find ourselves holding onto crumbs out of fear that the alternative is worse.

But I promise you, it’s not. Not if you do the work to come into wholeness within yourself.

And that’s the key.

If you come into true connection with yourself, then you’re never so starving for connection that you’ll try to feed yourself with someone else’s crumbs. If you take the time to look at what's underneath the craving - what you’re truly hoping to feel - and find ways to start giving that to yourself, you begin to feel more nourished. Often, what we’re actually seeking is validation; being seen; feeling wanted, desired or chosen; or something along those lines. Or it may be a form of escapism from the day-to-day, or a life that wasn’t what you were hoping. Perhaps a distraction from difficult emotions or situations.

Or maybe you really do just desire connection. But if it doesn’t start within first, those crumbs will always be so damn tempting.

So learn to be present with yourself. Learn to meet your own need for connection by connecting deeply with yourself. Learn to see yourself, validate yourself, and choose yourself. It won’t change anything instantly, but little by little, things will begin to shift.

Because the more we walk towards inner connection, the less we feel like we need to accept whatever bare minimum someone else is offering.

14/10/2025

So we know we can't live off crumbs forever, and we know we deserve more…so why do we keep on trying to fill our plates with crumbs alone?

Some of you may have heard of operant conditioning. The basic premise of operant conditioning is that we can strengthen the likelihood of a behaviour occurring, by repeatedly pairing that behaviour with a reward (or decrease the likelihood of it occurring by pairing it with a punishment).

I’m not going to go into all the science here - though I studied it years ago, I don’t have a head for scientific details so much as for patterns and growth. And the pattern, so often, is that when we get to a point of questioning a relationship or putting some boundaries in place, they drop some more crumbs. Those crumbs reinforce our waiting, or holding on, or our overfunctioning - they seemingly reward us for our hope and our conviction that it can and will get better. So the cycle begins again.

We keep on waiting, hoping, and overfunctioning - because it worked before, so surely it’ll work again?

It’s one of the reasons why love-bombing works too. We get used to receiving positive reinforcement for our swooning, so as the love-bombing starts to dwindle, we continue to hope and work for it. By that point, we’ve been thoroughly conditioned to perform whatever behaviour the love-bomber is looking for.

Does the ‘crumber’ do it knowingly? In some cases, I’m sure. But I do think that for many people - especially ones who aren't innately wired to be emotionally open - they don't know how to give more. And often it hasn't been modelled or taught either. When we don't see and understand our barriers to connection, we can't shift them. It's that whole "we don't know, what we don't know" idea.

That's why I do the work that I do - so that people can bring awareness to those barriers and begin to shift them, and so experience deeper connection in their lives.

Address

Otaki Beach
5512

Opening Hours

Monday 7:30pm - 8:30pm
Tuesday 9am - 2pm
7:30pm - 8:30pm
Wednesday 9am - 1pm
Thursday 9am - 2:30pm
Saturday 10:30am - 11:30am

Telephone

+6421775424

Website

https://linktr.ee/lanajago

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