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Unofficial The New Normal, City Centre, Tauranga (2025)

13/10/2023

I was reminded of this today… Imagine this world. Shabbat Shalom 🪬

01/09/2023

This is the thing…
In my pregnancy and birth prep there wasn’t any nuanced or normalized info on what actually happens when you have a baby… of course ppl say it’s hard and your sleep is compromised, but nothing about the postpartum hormonal drop, how it impacts your mental health, your sleep, how to prioritize your rest, to nourish yourself, none of it. The cumulative effects of this gap felt like the carpet had been ripped up from under me and I crashed hard.

This email to the psychiatrist that I found when searching my mail for something else, made me pretty emotional. All these questions and the details I was tripping up over, regarding medication, just shows how o erwhelmed I was. At this point I’d tried so many other things, from supplements to acupuncture to herbal tinctures and everything in between. When all I really needed was someone to normalize this and explain what was actually happening and why it was happening. What I needed was community, a f**k you to the taboo of maternal mental health & an affirmation that I wasn’t going crazy, that there wasn’t anything intrinsically wrong with me or that I wasn’t cut out for this.

Today there’s far more resources, support and information to fill this gap. not just here on Sosh media but doctors and practitioners are starting to support their pregnant clients more when it comes to perinatal mental health and how to take care of it. The books, the articles, the art exhibitions… the narrative to normalizing this has shifted somewhat- Obvs depending where you find yourself, culturally, socially, legally, geographically.

The thing that baffles me is still the pervasiveness of ‘not wanting to scare’ pregnant and soon to be moms, especially first time mums. It’s not lost on me that since I started this page the majority of followers have either had a similar experience to me or are new mums looking for answers. (Continued in comments) 👇

26/06/2023

I read a quote today that went something like, ‘would you rather give your first child a sibling, or a mom that’s mentally and emotionally present,’ and it made me think of this idea of the over functioning parent.
How parenting today is so all consuming that we’re burning ourselves to ashes.
Where this really comes into play, esp for FTP and only child parents is this deep disdain of our child being bored or lonely.
I myself have struggled with this, my son has too- him being bored triggers my guilt, that I should be doing more to keep him in a constant state of happy. But as we’ve both grown as mom and son, the realization that it’s not my job to keep him entertained every waking hour outside of school and that being bored, eventhough initially it’s frustrating, is where creativity and imagination spark, is all ok. You can know it intellectually but until it lands for you, whenever this may be, and dial back the overfunctioning, the benefits for everyone are quite profound.
Knowing things in theory rather than in practice is made more difficult when society hasn’t gotten the memo you’re trying to internalize.
Ppl would often say to me but ‘he needs a sibling to play with’, ‘you’re stressed out because you constantly have to keep him occupied, just give him a brother or sister’ or my worst, but ‘he’s going to grow up lonely without a play mate’ 🤦🏻‍♀️
No Susan, he is not lonely, because he has us, with him, all the time! And no Kathy, I’m not having another kid to babysit him!
We have such a tainted view of boredom in this over stimulated over functioning world, and honestly, if him entertaining himself means watching 3 hours of Netflix on a Sunday morning so I can spend that time being bored and not doing anything productive, I’ll take it thank you very much.
The constant guilt tripping of parents to have more than one kid used to really get to me. Nowadays it just makes me laugh because of how absurd the reasoning is. Let them be bored!

16/06/2023

Another one to add to the list of what not to say to a parent in the depths of early child rearing.

Truth is, yes, in many respects it does get easier. After a few years the urgency of breastfeeding and nap schedules falls away… But as our kids grow more independent and have to navigate this world often at school and away from us for extended periods of time, the plethora of stuff, new stuff, that’s deeper and more emotional that comes up is massive.

From behaviour, emotional and mental health and stability, to having to navigate the school environment, where they’re expected to keep up academically whilst also figuring out social dynamics. It’s a lot for them, it’s a lot for parents and it definitely doesn’t get easier. Throw in consecutive children, parents navigating the work life balance and all the physiological changes they go through as children, specifically the hormonal changes 5-10 year olds experience known as a adrenarche in prep for the teenage years - it’s the onset from adrenal androgen production from a post I shared yesterday by )… I’ve often wondered who is the parent that really has experienced it getting easier? I’m sure there are some out there but I certainly have never met them.

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, we need to be more authentic in how we communicate the experience of becoming a parent because of course it is full of joy and laughter and absolute wonder, a privilege too, to witness and usher the miracle that is having children. But saying it gets easier, as a means to offer hope to struggling parents, that’s not it.

What it is, is this…, ‘Every age and stage brings intense challenges, but you get better at knowing your child as they grow into who they’re meant to be. It doesn’t get easier, but your confidence does. Tap into that because it will help you’ll figure out the different types of support you and your child will need along the way.

14/05/2023

All feelings are valid on Mothers Day… especially the ambivalent ones. That’s it, that’s the message ♥️

22/04/2023

Recovering anger bypasser here 🙋🏻‍♀️

I’ve thought about this adage of ‘losing it’ a lot lately. The subtext being that when the top blows off we and refer to it as ‘being lost’, it implies a negative, like we’ve lost a part of ourselves, our control, our minds, something that is seen as shameful or embarrassing. Like we’re not ourselves.

But as anyone with a young child will confirm, anger is such a fundamental human emotion. And how we story it is so important. what if we started saying… ‘I found it!’ instead of ‘I lost it!’ how different it would feel to acknowledge it and for it to feel found, to be seen.

17/04/2023

I’ve been thinking a lot about toxic positivity lately, especially in the context of postpartum and recalibrating through matrescence. How often I heard the common quip on the first slide, by well meaning ppl who just did not know what to do with my being real about how hard I was finding the adjustment.

Trying to make someone feel better by implying that others have it worse is erasure and for many ppl has the opposite effect. If you are one of these ppl who are feeling blinded by the ‘bright side’, who is going through something that makes it feel unattainable right now… it’s ok. There will always be someone who from the outside their circumstances are much worse than yours, always.

What I found way more helpful is an acknowledgment that this matrescence journey is hard, and so many find it hard too. Find comfort there with them in the shadows, it’s way more crowded than on the bright side.

07/04/2023

Matrescence and early parenthood is a weird time. For so many we’ve been sold this ideal of finding ‘a village’, one that was prevalent for many of our ancestors. The problem I’ve always had with this idea is that it romanticizes the village, which has become so elusive. And further on, a massive disconnect is that this village was organic, nowadays it’s not, you have to put a lot of effort in to cultivate it. And so the underlying motivation is to find people ‘like you’ to be in community with, people you feel comfortable with. And whilst there is value in this, I can’t help but feel that if we want to build communities, societies that are inclusive, that foster empathy and most of all resilience, we have to move beyond this.

05/03/2023

I get it, I think many of us do, that in those first few years of raising infants into toddlers, we are raising ourselves too and need all the support, guidance and help we can get.

One of the things that has astounded me on this parenthood journey is how as your kids grow and you shift, shape and find a flow, with every age and stage new challenges present themselves. But after those initial infant, toddler and first preschool years it’s like you’ve been banished to the desert of parenting support, guidance and nurturing because ‘you should’ve had it all figured out by now’. On the other side is the teenage years, where the oasis of support starts to flourish again (albeit from what I’ve heard not nearly as abundantly as the early postpartum years).

All of the examples on these slides are ones we’re currently navigating or have recently. The one on slide 8 is particularly jarring atm as all my son wants to do is hang out with friends. It got me thinking about some of the discussions I’ve been having recently about the so called village and how this feature of community support, the play date, is getting more and more complicated to negotiate.

Families have their own lives and schedules going on, the social etiquette or norms around something as simple as play dates after school, seems to be less organic than when I was a kid. Parents are busier, working or tending to other children, extra murals etc. And it’s something I struggle with often, esp now that I’m working full time.

Overall I feel like parents of older kids, have severely less resources or access to support to navigate these school going years, to be given space to vent and mine for strategies or insights from others. Because sure we’re out of the gates of early postpartum BUT the challenges keep coming and the load doesn’t lighten.

Would love to know what day to day things you find difficult regarding your kids, which you could never have anticipated? 👇

03/03/2023

To the parents of strong willed kids…

Of sensitive kids

Of the ones who are deeply expressive of the full breadth of human emotions…

Of the ones who when they laugh make you believe that god or whatever spiritual entity you align with, is one that creates from belly aching joy and abundant delight.

Of the ones who cry with all the pain, heartache and trauma of generations past.

Who when raging and melting down bring the whole force of Mother Nature with them, that make the earth around them and you rumble and the air spiral like a tropical storm.

Of the ones who ferociously defy every reasonable request with the conviction of a Supreme Court judge, because they believe they are justified in their decision, even if that decision comes from wanting to assert themselves or oppose you.

Of the ones who will think and ruminate about that thing they saw on TV or heard in conversation that unsettled them hours after the fact, who will ask a book load of questions about it until they’re satisfied with your answers. Who won’t let it go till they understand what happened, what it all meant.

Of the ones who expressed all of this before they could even walk or talk or sit or crawl, through the only way they knew how… the colicky cries.

To these parents, you’re amazing and so are your kids. ♥️

Note: This isn’t a pathologization of children who had colic. Many children who did may not present with any of these traits, likewise many kids who do have these traits may not have had colic as a baby. The quote in the slide was something a fellow doula said to me many years ago in one of my pp doula trainings and I’ve never forgotten it. My son had colic as a baby, he also used to experience breath holding spells up until 18 months- when a child is overwhelmed by sensory stimulation they pass out and forget to breath, a nervous system reset. I am that parent, my son is that child. There is not a lot of conclusive research on colic and its causes, but what is generally accepted is that it’s not simply a physical symptom of digestive discomfort.

22/02/2023

As parents of young kids, we’re always aware of what we say, do, and how we move through this world because there are always little eyes watching, learning, witnessing. I’ve often felt this to be a big reason why so many struggle, why the load feels so heavy, the responsibility mammoth, why we’re so tired so much of the time. It’s like being constantly on, constantly self aware.

Some of the most confronting as well as heart opening moments happen when our kids reflect back to us the things we unconsciously say, do and feel.

Lately we’ve been navigating a lot of cursing out of the mouth of my babes, which at first was both horrifying and kind of funny, but has become less concerning because of how aptly he uses these- when he’s frustrated or upset. There have been other times when he’s said things like ‘you idiot!’ when shouting at his Ninetendo that’s not pokemoning the way he wants, or ‘oh my god!’ as an exclamation of both joy, surprise and frustration, things we just say in our house, all of them falling in the range of uncomfortable yet appropriate depending on the context but also the force or feeling behind it.

But today, was a parenting win. We were driving and I bought him a treat, lemon flavoured sparkling water, which he calls ‘sparkly’ water (how apt is that ❤️). The can had been shaken around at the bottom of the grocery bag so when I opened it it sprayed everywhere, wetting me, the dashboard and making a mess. He burst into hysterics exclaiming ‘oh my god mum!’ and upon seeing my distress, trying to find a wet wipe to clean up the carnage all whilst driving, he then said , ‘oh mum, I feel so shame for you!’ My heart just burst, and I said ‘thank you for saying that my boy.’

I say ‘oh shame’ all the time as an expression of empathy, a South Africanism that I love so much but which often gets misinterpreted here and is awkies - it’s often met with strange looks and defensiveness. But today witnessing my boy say and feel this expression of empathy really made my day and was a good reminder that the reflection our kids hold up isn’t always confronting but can be affirming. ‘You’re doing good Mama.’

17/02/2023

Vibrating at a high frequency is not just overrated but intolerable… to everyone including the ones doing the high vibing.

Two months into 2023 and I don’t know about you but I could do with some low soothing vibes. 🪬

(Tweet originally seen via .wellness.therapist speaking about twisted discourse of grifter Startseeds, do yourself a favour and read the whole thread 👏)

01/02/2023

🤌 Some News 🤌

It’s been a lonely uphill road trying to make this work of supporting new parents, well, work. Esp over the last 2 years of a pandemic, moving countries, establishing roots, finding community, and dealing with grief and loss. For months now I’ve been feeling that despite our best intentions or idealism, that for some passion and fire are not enough. I’m one such person.

Earning an income from this platform has become more and more elusive. the space created making way for immense imposter syndrome, sometimes manageable, other times unhealthy. But mostly the frustration of feeling the fires and the still burning and not knowing how to do it in a way that felt aligned with my values and that would affect more systemic change.

And so when I got a call a few weeks ago about a content and social media role at a worldwide NPO, whose work is primarily focused on uplifting women and children through advocacy and policy change, my heart skipped a beat. And yesterday, I signed on the dotted line!

In a month from now I will be joining the comms team as their social media lead and I couldn’t feel more excited, more in flow and more appreciative for this journey.

It’s going to be challenging no doubt, working a 35 hour week, having to juggle life around it esp after 11 years of freelancing but honestly I’m ready. I’m also really excited about working with other people in a team again, cos damn I love people and collaborating! This is it, my IKIGAI moment, one that I know is going to grow and stretch me in ways I haven’t been ready for until now, and I couldn’t be more proud of my little self ♥️

Oh and I’ll still be here, maybe not as much but still here. The fires will probably burn brighter 🔥

I’m also so deeply appreciative for everyone here who has engaged with me in DM’s, with the content I put out, and for many thought provoking chats and content I’ve learnt from from all of you 🙏 Thank you!

31/01/2023

The unrealistic expectations put on children are not just behavioural, but emotional too.

I don’t know about you but when I’ve tried these ‘insta tips to foster connection’ with my kid, it absolutely confuses him and shuts him down.

(if this strategy has worked for you and your child, I love that for you! But for us it never does.)

Parents today have such a massive load of wanting to nurture emotional maturity and capacity in our kids, to be way more emotionally involved in our kids lives as a way to mitigate how we were parented. But this way of engaging that has become so popular here on the gram as these 5 Tips to Connect with Your Child by means of ‘deep’ questions feels totally unnatural and forced. And when it doesn’t work, which for us, it never has only on his terms, we feel at a loss.

I’ve found the best way to foster connection, to get my son more comfortable sharing their inner world, in touch with their empathy, to connect, is to not pry him with these questions but rather listen when he does share. For us it’s usually at bedtime when we’re lying together and the stories of the day and their feelings associated come tumbling out. It’s a prompt from him that I take to ask the questions and the answers feel like the most precious gifts.

How do you connect with your kid? Tell me something 👇

20/01/2023

I remember that video of Jacinda at the UN with her infant Neve. I never knew much about her but that video was unbelievable to me.
It was 2017 and I was a year or so into my matrescence journey, still battling with postpartum depression and anxiety, battling with who I was, what this all meant. Seeing her on the world stage like that, in her full self as a leader as a mother, a millenial like me, made me cry.
Fast forward a couple of years later when we moved to Aotearoa during the pandemic, it was the strangest of times. I’d just lost my father to Covid in SA and when we arrived in Aotearoa we went straight into a quarantine facility for 2 weeks. A small price to pay for now being in a place that was Covid free, no masks, no trauma from the pandemic, an island in the pacific that was like an Eden. I even used to call it Jacinda-land, because it was her all her.
It was here in MIQ when I got my first taste of her haters…. An elderly woman had just arrived back from Australia and put up a fight at every turn when it came to the rules and protocols of being in MIQ, complaining about her right to not do the regular Covid tests during our stay, how this ‘whole thing’ is a farce, how Jacinda is a dictator. In fury one day during our outdoor time, she was ranting to anyone who would listen. I listened and then told her that my father just died from Covid and how real it was. She looked at me in disbelief and said, ‘I’m sorry, I’ve never met anyone who lost someone to Covid.’ Promptly proceeded by a barrage of questions about his age and if he had underlying health problems 🙄 I turned and walked away after firmly stating, ‘you have no idea what it’s like out there, how priveledged you are to have a leader like Jacinda.’ I never spoke to her again during our stay. When I walked past her, she avoided eye contact. Continued in comments.

(Slides 6-10 from an article that appeared today in by Michelle Duff).

15/01/2023

I would also add, getting through the school holidays!
This was inspired by a convo with about the Instagram narrative of motherhood vs the real life one. Motherhood is indeed a spiritual experience, but it doesn’t just magically occur and it’s by far all ‘blessings and kombucha, you have crossed over!’
The spiritual experience of motherhood is in the showing up every damn day and riding the emotional, physical and mental waves this new identity brings, not just your waves but your growing childrens too. It is the work.

03/01/2023

MIL appreciation post 🤌

I miss my birth family every damn day. Especially over the Dec holidays. Seeing all their pics on the family what’s app group makes me so happy but also chips away at their gaping hole in my heart.

But my word did I strike gold with the family I made and the one that made me a part of theirs. Our little unit is small but she is oh so tight and mighty. We don’t have a lot of support as a unit here in Aotearoa with my MIL (far right) living 3 hours from us, but going to stay with her (and when she comes to stay with us) is like a coming home. She takes care of us like no other, she just knows what to do and say (and what not to). She is both totally different to the women in my family yet also so familiar.

As I’ve gotten to know and love her over the years, it makes so much sense as to why I love her son. It was all her.

I know many don’t have this kind of relationship with their MIL’s and I’m not gonna say I’m lucky, rather flip, I deserve it! deserving of such a soft space in our new life here, someone who is like home, who feels like ive always known her.

So for anyone living far away from family or support, I hope 2023 is the year that you find soft spaces, to just be. Be held, be yourself, be heard and be taken care of. Whether it’s with family, old friends, new friends, colleagues. We all deserve this.

Last slide: she also just knows my style and gave me this Frida Kahlo dress for Christmas… I mean 😍

01/01/2023

Out of the mouths of babes!
To be 6 and just know. It really is a joy to witness the person he is becoming. In and amongst the emotional flexing, the things that come out of his mouth sometimes floor me (and shock me). I sometimes lie awake and think about these things that slip out of his consciousness into the world and it’s a reminder that he is not mine at all but his own glorious person. It’s beautiful and scary all at once. Happy 2023 May you smile because you love your life, talk to animals more, be reminded that you ACTUALLY know what you doing and to take relaxing as seriously as a 6-year old ♥️

Unofficial The New Normal