Enia

22/07/2023

21/07/2023

Impurities of my heart.

I believe that my heart was pure. But now, I guess my heart is not pure anymore.

The first impurities of my heart is the betrayal, the deceit, and the lies of my first love during my college days.

Growing up, I remember being a happy go lucky child, I remember being optimistic of all the happenings around me. I believed in one, true, handsome, and gentleman lover. However, my first love left a trauma in me. My world was torn into pieces. I was lost. I was furious. I was hopeless. I was mad. He betrayed me, he betrayed his family, he betrayed his relatives, he betrayed his friends, he betrayed his workmates, and he betrayed the trust that the people have in him. I was broken.

During those times, I was with a friend who I believe is a friend turned soulmate. She was also betrayed by her first love. She was broken because of her first love and she would narrate to me every stories of how her first love broke her. Her grades plummeted because she can't focus on her academics, and she told me all about it. I always tried to be with her during her sad times. I would share my shoulders for her to lean on. I was with her during her difficult times.

And then another friend of mine also shared to me that her relationship with her family members was in turmoil because of betrayal also from her first and second love.

I felt broken from the unfortunate stories of my friends, while still feeling broken over the trauma that my first love scarred me.

One day, the feeling of loneliness gushed to me. I realized that while I was busy comforting others and while I was busy tending to my broken friends, no one knew what I was going through because I could not share my personal struggles because I thought that it would just add to the pile of problems that my friends were facing. And besides, I did not even thought of sharing my struggles because I want also to protect the reputation of my first love. I want to preserve the respect that the people have to my first love.

And then, a thought suddenly came to me. I have no one with me. I have no one to talk to about my struggles. I have no one and nowhere to cry. I was alone. No body cared about me. I was lost.

The worst thing happened, I felt detached from my family. I felt detached from my friends. I felt detached from my belief. Then I felt detached from the things happening around me.

I hated my first love, and that hate still lingers every now and then. Those hatred extended to the people I was with. I hated their shortcomings. I hated their characteristics and behaviors that they with my first love.

The impurities and hatred of my heart were gradually and subtly replaced with resentment to everyone.

No matter what happens to me, I only have myself.

22 July 2023, 0023.

01/02/2023

Marriage life is not always painful.

I have also felt sincere happiness in the marriage.

I thank Allah (swt) for allowing and blessing us to be married. I also thank Allah (swt) because you are my husband.

Alhamdulillah.

01/02/2023

I have always thought that married life is tough as there would be challenges along the way.

However, I never thought that I would feel alone despite having a lifetime partner. I also never thought that I would be left to fend for myself just days after the wedding.

I thought the first month of the wedding would be bliss. But mine is not full of bliss as there were many times that I felt lonely and alone.

01/02/2023

As cliche as it may appear, this post shall start with the Facebook question, "What is on your mind?".

These past few days, I have been reflecting on understanding, grasping, and expressing the emotions that I feel whenever something not in my liking or even in my liking happen.

Is it love I feel? Is the love, I feel, the true definition of love? How is love supposed to be felt?

Is it sadness? Is it heartbreak? Is it insecurity that I feel?

I find it hard to express and eventually explain the reason I am hurting. Somenight ago when my partner failed to be in my presence before I sleep, I felt hurt and disappointed. More than that, my chest tightened and it was painful. Tears gushed out of my eyes. I have always want him to be with me before I go to sleep, but that time, he was not beside me on the bed. I specially want him to be with me that night because there was heavy rain and powerful wind that caused the mango fruits above our roof to fall non stop that caused loud falling noise which woke me up.

I felt the loneliness of a newly wed woman. I still feel it, whenever my mind would travel back to that lonely night.

What I did the next day with him was the things I would usually do, except that I was silent and not talking. I tired to bury the memories of the night before but my mind, uncontrollably, would automatically send signal to my gestures and lips to distance myself from him because it was uncomfortable being with him.

I realized that I cannot bury a flaming or freezing feeling as tears would drop off my eyes several times in the corners of the house when I am left alone.

I am always a fragile and vulnerable lady.

During our dinner, I couldn't help myself but express to him what I feel. Unfortunately, I couldn't fully convey the expression and message I wanted to relay because tears pooled my eyes while I was talking to him. After I have couragiously shared to him the reason he was receiving the cold treatment, with tears in between, I was expecting words of comfort coming from him but there was none. All he said was, "iiyak mo lang yan". It was not the words I wanted to hear. In fact, I did not even expect those words to come out his lips. I thought he was going to say that he would be with me before I sleep in the future, as what I thought overnight, would be the proper response.

It is heartbreaking to remember the that night and the dinner because my heart was stuffed and crying.

18/10/2022

Have you ever felt unimportant?
Have you ever been interrupted by someone whenever you share something that concerns you?
Have you ever felt that the person you are sharing your worries to is not concerned or not listening?
Have you ever felt being misunderstood?
Have you ever felt like no one understands you?

I have always felt alone.
I have always kept my worries and problems within me.

I have always been envious of those people who have the courage to share their worries in public space such as social media sites.
In fact, I have always been jealous of people who are comfortable about expressing their feelings.

I sometimes think, are they not worried that people will make problems they posted in social media be the topic of their gossips and criticisms?

Growing up, I have interacted with people who are passive listeners.
No one would spare their time understanding where I come from.
I have felt being brushed off by people who I share my personal feelings with.
Those experiences made me uncomfortable in sharing my problems to anyone.

By keeping my untold feelings within me, my heart would often tighten and would feel broken.

20221018

18/10/2022

29 June 2022

Another night without sleep..
Another night of overthinking.
Another night of anxiety and insecurity.

18/10/2022

I saw a video where the relationship of a couple nearly reached its end when fighting after fighting has come challenging them. The girl didn't know anymore what was the purpose of staying in a relationship when all they did were endless shouting, screaming, walking out and never-ending fighting.

Situations made the girl decide to end the relationship. It dawned to the guy that if they let the fight continue and then leave each other when they were at the point where the life and death of their relationship was at stake, the guy told the girl that relationships don't work that way.

The guy said that their problems should be talked out. He said that if the girl is unhappy, then the girl should voice out the things that makes her mind unsettled. Similarly, he said that if he finds the girl a pain in his mind, which he said she is 99 percent of the time, he would also voice it out.

By then, the fight and misunderstanding will be laid open in front of the both of them. The guy said that they should have an understanding of what they want and what they don't want their other half to do.

"Instead of walking out of a relationship when a problem is at its peak (because admittedly most couples do it,), a couple should remain patient and not think of thoughts such as separation. Sometimes, our minds are clouded with irrational thoughts when we are at fighting and uncomfortable situations. A couple's first action after thinking for a while should be about resolving the problem, not thinking about evading it."

- Aine's 11:00 PM thoughts.

PS. Before i get quoted, this resolve may not be applicable to all relationships.

18/10/2022

time tells us if it is love