08/06/2022
Hey guys!
I had an appointment with a couple lovely ladies yesterday with one of my boys. I won't name them of course but they will know who they are. Thanks for accidentally sparking my brain to make this post 🥰
One of them said to me "I'd never guess you were autistic, in the time since you got here, you mask very highly" or something to that degree. To which I just explained that alot of my traits are seen at home, I can mask effectively in short bursts, because I really don't socialize more than absolutely necessary for appointments and such. But if I do have to mask too much, if I'm super uncomfortable, or running on low battery/spoons, I get less and less good at hiding my traits.
Anyway that's not what this post is about. After I came home from this appointment I was thinking and thinking and thinking some more, because that's just what I do best. Lol Mainly because I didn't feel as though I was excessively masking in that environment, at all. And so, here we are because I'd like to discuss this angle ♥️
Because of this conversation, and my feeling as though I wasn't masking significantly and how those two things could possibly coexist, I want to point out some important things to remember when it comes to female presentation.
Female presenting autistics tend to get overlooked. One of the many big reasons for this is because our special interests tend to be much more socially acceptable. Females tend to avoid places we don't feel comfortable or fit in easily (especially as adults) and are instead drawn more, to things/places where our special interests and oddities are considered normal and don't stand out so much. The place where we fit in 😊
These ladies were amazed at my knowledge and proper use of medical language. So, onto my point. I was in my element and that's where I stand out the least.
Many female autistics do cosplay/furries for example. This is a very common one. They can hide very easily because they spend most of their time in cosplay groups and conventions and a lady dressed up as a furry or catwoman doesn't stand out at a convention 😊
For me, three of my special interests are information, psychology, and autism. Which are also very common ones for female autistics.
Reptiles is another of mine. I do educational reptile shows. This has been basically 12 years of scripting and stating facts. Over and over again. Some people can't understand how I'm able to do this. I'm able to because it's my special interest. Facts are important to me and don't require me to think or mask too much. It's scripted. When I go out to do a show I'm in a mask, and basically take on a completely different persona that isn't who I am. Its acting. But its an easy mask because its stating facts and scripting. If for any reason we go off script I fall apart.
After much thought I realised the fact that I was in an appointment talking about autism is a big reason my autistic traits we're easily overlooked in this situation without much effort on my part. Had I went in there and spent over an hour talking about trains or reptiles, it would have been pretty noticeable.
However when our special interests are relevant to the situations we are in, which many times females tend to gravitate towards naturally, it can be both a huge help to us mentally, and also a significant downfall to being seen and spotted. This is a big reason we are missed. It's exactly as they call it. Masking/camaflouging.
Many times people speak of masking as a mental process, which it absolutely is, whether we intentionally do it or not. But it's also a big part of our lifestyle. We gravitate towards the things that are important to us and we immerse ourselves in it. With males it can be different both because of what their special interests are, and because they are less social by nature, therefore are more likely to enjoy their special interests alone.
This was an appointment that was necessary, but still fell in line with my interests. In all other areas of my life I also gravitate towards my interests. I'm active in the exotics communities, plant communities mental health communities, autism communities. I run multiple groups and my inboxes are full of conversations surrounding these interests.
HOWEVER if I went to a craft fair or a playground with my kids and spent 2h talking about autism, psychology or reptiles (which has happened more times than I'd like to count 😅) my special interests would stand out there, significantly. Whereas a young boy whos spin (special interest) is dates/times of train schedules, or every plane that was made in order by year, they tend to stand out much MORE often, because there isn't many suitable backdrops to hide those interests it in.
Let's also throw in there that many, like me have found other fantastic tricks by my age. I have very strong glasses. I do not wear them. One very specific reason for this is it allows me to look in the direction of people for short bursts, but not actually give eye contact, because I can't see their eyes anyway 😂 it's much less distressing for me to look at someone when I can barely pick out their face lol
Many autistic traits are necessary, to help us cope and regulate within our environment, and to balance uncomfortable sensory input.
When I'm calm and comfortable and talking about my spins, there's much less of a reason for me to need to use my natural coping tools, therefore, using less energy to mask. But this is the very reason I avoid sensory overload places like the mall. Places that are distressing to me, take excessively more effort to mask in, and is significantly more draining.
So I guess my note here, is that special interests and traits can be easily hidden in a lifestyle and simple tricks others won't know you've done, without knowing. You need to be equally mindful of the backdrop, and situation, as well as what the special interests are. The mismatch is where we are noticed, because those are the places we have to script and try harder/mask heavier to not be noticed.
Thanks for coming to my Ted talk 😊
