25/11/2025
𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗘𝗺𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗹 𝗚𝗿𝗶𝗽 𝗼𝗳 𝗔𝗯𝘂𝘀𝗲: 𝗥𝗲𝘃𝗶𝘀𝗶𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗔𝗹𝗶𝗰𝗶𝗮 𝗙. 𝗘𝘀𝘁𝗿𝗲𝗹𝗹𝗮𝗱𝗼’𝘀 𝗪𝗼𝗿𝗸 𝗼𝗻 𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗠𝗮𝗻𝘆 𝗪𝗵𝘆𝘀 𝗶𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗟𝗶𝘃𝗲𝘀 𝗼𝗳 𝗕𝗮𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗲𝗱 𝗪𝗼𝗺𝗲𝗻
The ideals of marriage often revolve around promises of lifelong care, loyalty, and companionship. Yet behind these vows lie the painful realities suffered by many women who experience domestic violence within their homes.
On the eve of the 18-day campaign to end violence against women, this synthesis revisits Alicia F. Estrellado’s The Many Whys in the Lives of Battered Women, originally published in the festschrift in honor of Dr. Rose Marie Salazar-Clemeña.
Estrellado notes that stories of battered women, whether heard in communities or seen in media, often point back to family origins as a significant contributing factor to abuse. With support from one of her case studies, she highlights how family dynamics shape not only the lives of the victims but also the behaviors of the perpetrators (Estrellado & Salazar-Clemeña, 2007, 2010; Felix & Paz-Ingente, 2003). Painful childhood experiences such as neglect, physical or sexual abuse, or witnessing violence can heighten emotional vulnerability in adulthood (Estrellado & Salazar-Clemeňa, 2007, 2010). These early wounds may influence later intimate relationships. Women who grew up abandoned or harmed may long deeply for affection and therefore become more susceptible to manipulation or abuse. Conversely, men raised in violent environments may adopt dominant traits and repeat these patterns of force or control within their own families (Estrellado & Salazar-Clemeña, 2007, 2010).
Violence against women also unfolds within a larger sociocultural setting, where women are expected to uphold male superiority and adapt to men’s dominant tendencies. Estrellado explains that while society often measures male fulfillment through career success, female fulfillment is traditionally tied to marriage. Because of this, women feel morally responsible for keeping the family together (Crisostomo, Cruz, Cruz, & Cruz, 2012; De Dios, cited in Cheung et al., 1999).
This gender inequality is deeply embedded in the patriarchal structures of the Philippines (Crisostomo et al., 2011; Feliz & Paz-Ingente, 2003). Since women are socialized to depend on men for protection and nurturing, they may interpret abuse as a personal failure. Instead of recognizing unequal power dynamics, they feel they have failed to keep the family intact. As per Estrellado, happiness in marriage should never come at the cost of a woman’s emotional or mental well-being.
Despite this, society often blames women for their own abuse. Estrellado points out the disturbing reality that even women who suffer severe physical harm may still be asked what they “did” to provoke the violence. This mindset fosters silence and self-blame. Rosanna and many other women interviewed blamed themselves for tolerating the abuse, citing traits such as self-sacrifice, passivity, inadequacy, and low self-esteem (Estrellado & Salazar-Clemeña, 2007, 2010). Cultural values like pagtitiis (enduring), pagtitimpi (restraining emotion), and tagasalo (taking care of others) remain deeply rooted (Carandang, 1987; Lapuz, 1978). As per Estrellado, these traits are not inherently harmful; problems arise when women cannot determine how much they should endure or suppress. These qualities are only protective when balanced with healthy self-protection skills.
The Effects of Abuse
The consequences of intimate partner violence are profound. Physical injuries such as bruised eyes, cut lips, internal bleeding, and broken ribs are common. But violence also devastates the psyche, damaging a woman’s dignity and leaving emotional wounds that may never fully heal.
Decisions to Stay or Leave
Given the severity of the abuse, the question of why women stay is often raised. Many remain because of their children. Estrellado finds this particularly troubling, as children who witness violence face emotional disturbances and are at risk for behavioral problems and difficulties in future relationships (Kitzmann, Ga***rd, Holt, & Kenny, 2003; Rhodes, Cerulli, Dicher, Kothari, & Barg, 2010). Without proper intervention, these children may later become either victims or perpetrators of violence themselves (Adams, 2006).
Another widespread misconception is that battered women are passive and unwilling to protect themselves. Estrellado argues that this stereotype is inaccurate. Women often try multiple strategies to improve their situation. They may initially ignore or tolerate the violence to preserve the marriage or shield their children from a broken home (Estrellado & Salazar-Clemeña, 2007, 2010; Estrellado & Loh, 2014; Rodriguez, 2011). Later, they adopt more active coping strategies such as confronting their partners or leaving when the abuse intensifies (Estrellado & Salazar-Clemeña, 2007, 2010; Estrellado & Loh, 2014). The misconception persists because society wrongly assumes that ending the abuse is the woman’s responsibility rather than the abuser’s.
Estrellado also observes the emotional hold abusive partners maintain over the women. Despite the violence, many women still feel deeply attached to their partners. Some pray for change, while others consider reconciliation even after leaving. As per Estrellado, this emotional dependence reflects the abuser’s power, control, and manipulation.
A Message to Women Who Leave
Estrellado expresses admiration for women who find the strength to leave abusive partners. As per Estrellado, choosing to walk away from a relationship where they have invested their hearts is incredibly difficult but ultimately necessary for their safety and that of their children. She hopes that these women can reclaim their self-worth and rebuild their dignity at their own pace.
She also reflects on forgiveness. While forgiveness can improve psychological well-being (Paul, 2004), it does not necessarily require reconciliation. Many authors argue that forgiveness without reconciliation is incomplete (Hargrave & Sells, 1997; Walrond-Skinner, 1998), yet this notion poses risks. Forgiveness may increase the chances that a woman returns to her abuser (Gordon, Burton, & Porter, 2004). As per Estrellado, forgiveness means releasing resentment while still acknowledging the injustice and learning from it; it is not forgetting, excusing, or returning to the perpetrator.
As the 18-day campaign to end violence against women begins, Estrellado’s work underscores that abuse is never the woman’s fault. Violence arises from a partner’s need for power and control, not from any failure on the part of the victim. Ending gender-based violence requires shifting the blame away from survivors and confronting the systems that allow unequal power dynamics to thrive.
