09/12/2025
Most couples in open marriages don’t break up because someone slept with someone else… it’s usually because of everything that happens around about the s*x.
It’s rarely having s*x that causes the damage. It’s when one person says ‘I’m totally cool with this’ because they’re terrified of looking insecure. The truth is, that often couple try an open marriage as a last ditch attempt to save a marriage.
Opening a marriage brings out whatever was already under the surface. If you’re secure, it’ll highlight that. If you’re disconnected, it’ll expose it. If you’ve already checked out of the marriage, it will definitely not resurrect it. And if one of you is agreeing out of fear… it will eventually break your heart.
Most people considering an open marriage aren’t actually desperate to have multiple partners. They’re craving to feel desired and seen again. Sometimes they’re craving their youth or the version of themselves they feel they’ve lost inside the marriage.
So before you ask ‘Should we open our marriage?’
Ask: Why do I want to? What is the need underneath this? You need to know this and be able to admit it to yourself, or you definitely won’t be ready for the reality that comes with it.
Open marriages are not bad or wrong and the concept itself is not the problem. It’s the reasoning and the truth beneath the decision that does the damage.
(NB. This is not to say that there are not many couples that meet on the scene and started off open or gradually became open, and are very happy. These marriages have solid boundaries, good communication and mutual respect. However, sadly, this is not the case for most open marriages that I come across in therapy.)
