10/04/2021
During the height of my anorexia, getting on a scale was an obsession. A year into my starvation, I was weighing myself between 50-75 times per day. Weighing myself had started out in a normal “healthy” way, but slowly destroyed my brain like a flesh eating disease. I would weigh myself after waking up, after drinking water, after eating, after exercising and after peeing. In addition to starving myself, I was also exercising compulsively and running three 10Ks a week. If the number on the scale was too high, sometimes I would work out an extra hour, or restrict my already 500 calorie a day diet to under 300. Sometimes I would go back to bed and cry for hours because the starvation and over exercising wasn’t working anymore. If the number was too high, I felt like a worthless loser and wanted to die. I felt like I wanted to apologize to everyone I met for my imperfect body.