25/01/2026
𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐄𝐧𝐭𝐡𝐮𝐬𝐢𝐚𝐬𝐭’𝐬 𝐆𝐮𝐢𝐝𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐍𝐨𝐭 𝐌𝐞𝐞𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐌𝐞
It is a melancholy truth that people, in their boundless enthusiasm for self-improvement, often regard the human body as a machine which, if wound up with a spot of exercise, will purr along indefinitely without so much as a squeak of protest.
“I wish to shed a few pounds. What shall I do at the gym?”
“Behold, I have resolved to run or play tennis, badminton, do yoga, Muay Thai, jiu-jitsu, cycle, or golf, activities I have not touched since the days when Chuck Norris was a young man.”
In essence, they propose to fling themselves into pursuits utterly novel or long-forgotten (a year to five, typically, with the intervening period spent in armchairs contemplating the virtues of motion).
Rather than reply to each individually, I shall address the multitude at once. Should a handful heed these words, it may spare them the dubious honour of my professional acquaintance.
𝐑𝐮𝐥𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐅𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭: 𝐂𝐨𝐦𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐢𝐧 𝐒𝐦𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐒𝐭𝐞𝐩𝐬
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If you are new to the fray, or rustier than an old kettle, begin absurdly small. The ego, that mischievous imp, engineers the finest/unexpected injuries from the notion: “I can manage twice as much.”
𝐆𝐲𝐦: Freshly enrolled? Confine your first fortnight to 30–45 minutes (including idle chatter, flirting with the receptionist, or politely ignoring mirror-gazers). Feather-light weights. A full minute’s repose between sets. One muscle group per session.
𝐓𝐞𝐧𝐧𝐢𝐬 / 𝐁𝐚𝐝𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐨𝐧 / 𝐆𝐨𝐥𝐟: Warm up the lower back, shoulders, elbows, wrists, hips, and knees for 10–15 minutes. For two weeks, everything should be enjoyable. No rivalries. No “Allow me to demonstrate!” Golf, in particular, is merely a gentleman’s attempt to strike a small white ball with an instrument last seen in a medieval museum.
𝐌𝐮𝐚𝐲 𝐓𝐡𝐚𝐢 / 𝐉𝐢𝐮-𝐉𝐢𝐭𝐬𝐮 / 𝐁𝐨𝐱𝐢𝐧𝐠 / 𝐌𝐌𝐀: For the first month, soft drills only. Technique is paramount. Unless you are 10–12 or eyeing the UFC, concede: you have nothing to prove. Good form can cut injury risk dramatically. FYI, some studies suggest by as much as 70%.
𝐑𝐮𝐧𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠: First month. Week one: walking, 5 km on flat ground. Vary pace (heart rate 100–120). Week two: light jogging. Week five: proper running.
These modest precepts may deter many from my clinic—or their kin from hospital corridors. And that, upon my word, is a capital outcome.