10/07/2021
𝘀𝗲𝘅𝘁𝗵, 𝗯𝗿𝗲𝗮𝘁𝗵 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗲𝘁𝗵
i can't control my s*xuality! in a sense, that i do not have any idea when and why i would get aroused. it comes and goes. there are certain known triggers, of course: the face of a loved one or a song on the radio; some smells are such strong anchors that even after years of separation, if i hear it randomly, a heavy wave would rush through my body. some city locations would give the feeling of excitement, even if i just pass through without any fun agenda.
then there are physiological reasons, like fertility windows, hormones and female stuff. after having two kids, i am very much in tune with my ovulation process, and the inevitable, primordial horniness that is always very strong a day or two before the egg drop.
then there is, of course, a simple external stimuli: a picture of a beautiful naked body, sensual scene in a movie, or even a clever joke by some stranger might get the fire going. or someone thinking of me, remembering our s*xual encounters, would bring an instant, throbbing jolt.
but there are also much more subtle cues that turn on unnoticeably and leave me in a state. it could be a blink of a sunrise in a glass of water in the early morning. or a faraway sound of the train, reminding me of my trip to Komi. or it could be a particular shade of red. i could get excited while anxiously waiting for a bus in a company of other people, because it would bring teen memories back, when after school i was going to my sweetheart's flat by bus. an echoing sound of the first knock of the cue on the 8th and all billiard balls running hectically on green velvety surface.
but it wasn't always like that.
years ago, it would take me days, sometimes weeks, to connect to my body and to hear the voice of hunger. and even when i was finally able to coherently translate the language of sensations (tingling palms, weak knees, rapid heart beat, opened mouth, fuller lips, heavy tongue) to my mind, i would still won't be able to speak up or find the ways to satisfy the need. because, "hey! it's a shame to be h***y! it's sinful to long and fantasize, it's your dirty mind! a God loving wife of a broken Samaritan cannot dream of touching and playing. you are wrong. you are damned. you are filthy!", the voices in my head would hiss.
and i would go on for days, hiding, suppressing, bottling down, distracting, drowning in guilt and frustration. the energy would become more and more intense and dark, i would be hot, but unable to acknowledge and surrender to my desires. eventually, anger and resentment would show their ugly heads. and let's be honest, who would want to f**k a desperate and irritable nut case ?
yeah.. those were the darkest times of the s*xual imprisonment inside my own body.
until i happened to hug someone. we stood there, embraced, for several minutes, doing nothing but being aware of the high voltage electrical charge, going through our entangled bodies. this energy was so intense that i was not able to keep my balance. i felt like i am going to fall and so to ground myself, i instinctively started matching my breath with his, just to have some focal point. that hug lasted for eternity, it felt. when we finally peeled off of each other, only then i realized that until now, i didn't have a sense of shape or dimensions of my body. it's when we started slowly walking in the darkness, when i felt the soles of my shoes and the foliage blanket was making it's tasty crunchy sound, it occurred to me that i was still being breathed. each careful step, as if not to spill this bubbling energy that was still running through, was matched with my inhale and exhale.
it was phenomenal. but it was an unconscious gift from within, a surprise, a sudden discovery. and i never experienced anything similar to this for many months after.
but then, one night, i found myself in a bed with someone, who's heart was beating so manfully and his energy pulsating so profoundly, penetrating each and every cell of mine, that once again i felt like i am about to fall or start floating, even though i was laying in the bed. and that's when it all started for real.
𝗮 𝗷𝗼𝘂𝗿𝗻𝗶 𝘁𝗼 𝗺𝘆 𝘆𝗼𝗻𝗶.
this time, i consciously took a breath in unison with his. the air was going down through our spines to my yoni and his lingam and then back up again through the stomachs and then to the hearts and heads and then back to our throats and to the breasts and to the yoni. again and again. our breathing was carrying the waves of or****ic ocean up and down, becoming stronger and faster with each inhalation, until it peaked. and then it exploded. the ions started breaking down into protons and neutrons and electrons and then to quarks. the ever expanding nothingness established.
and then the new inhale. and exhale. and an inhale again. and an exhale.
hundreds nights have passed since then. hundreds moons came up to the sky and hundreds suns fell behind the horizon. but i am still being breathed. each second of my existence, whether i am aware of it or not, something's breathing me. and if i am curious and have a spare second to tune into my breathing, i immediately become aware of the longing. the more i let myself to sit still and concentrate on my breathing, the more intimate and familiar with my s*xuality i become . the more attention do i pay to the air, traveling through me, the softer, more relaxed and receiving my yoni becomes. sometimes, i can even see red and orange blicks or shadows around things. then they become emerald, then blue, then purple..
as i meditate on these flashes, without engaging in any physical activity, involving my body, without any attempts to manipulate this energy to gain any physical pleasure, i get to experience an unconditional, non-personified, unattached love. this love has no name. it has no face, no shape or form. this love does not seek for validation or acknowledgment or reciprocation. it's free of any "if - then - fi". it doesn't need to be seen, heard, touched or accepted. it just loves. this love loveth.
and the more i let my s*xuality be, the more i sit with it, the deeper breaths i take, with each inhale, i would expand, go deeper into the outerspace within myself, the stronger the feelings of wholeness, pleasure and joy become. i am able to or**sm spiritually, while almost in a trance, being absolutely still on the outside, only using my breathing as a tool to connect.
this is the most practical use of my breathing so far. i have been practicing a lot of modalities that involve breathing, starting with managing anxiety and panic attacks to stopping an asthma cris to alternating my consciousness to hallucinations to get out of the body experience. but among all of the capabilities that the breathing allows me, connecting to the higher realms and transforming my s*xual desires into universal love is the most profound.
through this practice i am able to have s*x with or without an actual partner. i have no control over my s*xual desires and energy, running through my parts, but i have an ability to decipher those in front me much better now and decide if i want to let them into my cosmos using nothing but my breath.
this, so far, has been my most significant accomplishment in life.
