Terry Real - Relational Life Institute

Terry Real - Relational Life Institute Terry Real has been a practicing family therapist for more than 25 years. He also regularly appears on Good Morning America.

He is a bestselling author and has been featured on NBC Nightly News, Today, The CBS Early Show and Oprah.

Our culture loves intense gratification. It acts like a drug, and we’re addicted to it.We chase the high of the big mome...
01/20/2026

Our culture loves intense gratification. It acts like a drug, and we’re addicted to it.

We chase the high of the big moment. The standing ovation, the closed deal, the flattery of an affair.

It makes us feel alive and pulls us out of whatever emptiness we're trying to escape.

The problem is, it never lasts.

You get the hit, and then you need another one. And another.

Somewhere along the way, you stop being able to feel anything that isn't at full volume.

Meanwhile, your kids are tugging at your sleeve. Your partner is asking you to be present. And you're half-asleep on the couch, wondering why you feel so empty when you have everything you were supposed to want.

What's missing isn't more intensity. It's relational joy.

This is the far deeper pleasure of just being in the relationship, present and connected.

The lazy Sunday in pajamas, the board game that goes on too long, the nothing-special evening where you're just together, cuddling on the couch.

It may not be exciting or Instagram-worthy. But it's the thing that actually fills you up.

And it's waiting for you, right there in your living room. You just have to be willing to stop chasing the high long enough to feel it.

01/19/2026

This is what our harsh inner voice does. It zooms in on the failure and builds a case for your unworthiness. And if you let it run, a small moment of imperfection can spiral into days of self-punishment.

The practice is simple but not easy: meet that harsh inner voice with compassion. Not dismissal – compassion. Remind it of what it's forgetting. Then ask it, kindly, to sit down.

It’s easy to make your partner the problem.You tell yourself, “They’re just selfish.” “They’re just unaffectionate.” “Th...
01/18/2026

It’s easy to make your partner the problem.

You tell yourself, “They’re just selfish.” “They’re just unaffectionate.” “They just don’t get it.”

And maybe some of that is true.

But as long as you stay focused on who your partner is, you can’t see what you might be doing to keep the pattern alive.

The trick is to shift from blame to accountability.

Not “It’s all my fault,” but rather “What’s my part in this dynamic?”

Because every relationship is a system – two people in a dance they’ve both helped choreograph.

You can’t change how your partner moves by controlling or criticizing them. But you can change the dance between you by changing your own steps.

When one person shifts, it creates space for the whole relationship to change and repair.

01/17/2026

A great relationship is not based on the absence of disharmony, but the presence of repair.

And repair starts the moment you remember the person you’re speaking to is someone you love, and that it’s in your interest to make things better.

We’ve been telling a terrible lie to our boys…Our culture teaches boys that feelings show weakness. To be powerful, you ...
01/16/2026

We’ve been telling a terrible lie to our boys…

Our culture teaches boys that feelings show weakness. To be powerful, you must stand above.

But the true happiness and fulfillment we all seek can only happen on level ground.

As Carol Gilligan, the great feminist psychologist, says, you cannot love from the one-up, you cannot love from the one-down. Love demands democracy.

We are all intrinsically vulnerable human beings, neither better nor worse than anyone else.

This is not about breaking men down or taking away their strength. It’s about opening their hearts and allowing them to be whole.

01/15/2026

We often mistake harshness for discipline that motivates us and builds character. But there's a difference between holding someone accountable and holding them in contempt.

You can be honest, you can be direct, you can even be firm. But if you can't say it like you're on their side, it's not help, it's harm.

It’s a brutal thing to open your heart and be met with defensiveness.You’re trying to be honest because you want to feel...
01/14/2026

It’s a brutal thing to open your heart and be met with defensiveness.

You’re trying to be honest because you want to feel closer.

And instead, you end up feeling punished.

This is what happens when someone hasn’t built the muscles to sit with their own shame.

They confuse your hurt with an attack, and now you’re stuck: either you swallow your truth and allow your resentment to grow, or you brace for their counterattack and risk pushing them away even further.

So how do you get through to them?

1. You speak from the part of you that wants to make things better.

2. You stay on your side of the street.

3. You shift from complaints to constructive requests.

If you want a step-by-step way to speak hard truths without breaking connection, the Feedback Wheel will show you how.

You’ll find the link to my video in the first comment below 👇

01/13/2026

The feelings that come hardest are often the ones your partner needs to hear most.

You’ve complained, you’ve told your partner what you need, and yet… nothing.Well, here’s the catch: How you ask matters....
01/12/2026

You’ve complained, you’ve told your partner what you need, and yet… nothing.

Well, here’s the catch: How you ask matters.

Complaining is a terrible motivator for change. Leading with what's wrong almost guarantees your partner will become defensive.

And now the conversation is about whether your criticism is fair, and you’re no closer to actually changing anything. You've rendered them helpless.

But when you flip that complaint into a request, something shifts.

You're not attacking who they are. You're inviting them into something better and – this is key – you're giving them a way to succeed with you.

So, don’t assume your partner is a mindreader or should know better. Work together to become skilled partners in relational recovery in a way that nourishes you both.

01/12/2026

Most people think they have only two choices in relationships:

1. Speak up, but lose connection.
2. Stay connected, but lose your voice.

But that’s a lie.

You don’t have to choose between speaking up for yourself and staying connected. You can do both. This is Loving Power.

Loving Power means asserting your needs while cherishing your partner and the relationship all in the same breath.

But most people don’t do this. Instead, they fall into the trap of control, and it presents itself in one of two ways:

1. One-up control: “You need to change.”
2. One-down control: “I’ll keep the peace but resent you for it.”

In both forms, control is a losing strategy in relationships and poisons intimacy.

Instead, here are some tips to step into Loving Power:

✅ Give up the need to be right. The relational answer to “Who’s right?” is “*Who cares?” What matters is, “How do we solve this together?”

✅ Speak from your own experience. Instead of *“You always interrupt me,” say, “I really want to hear what you have to say. Could you slow down a bit so I can take it in?”

✅ Assert your needs without control. Instead of “You need to show me more affection,” try “I love feeling close to you. Could we be more intentional about making time for that?”

✅ Start with appreciation. Instead of “You never do anything right,” encourage your partner, “I love when you do this. I’d love even more of it.”

And here’s the golden rule of Loving Power:

“What can I give you to help you give me what I’m asking for?”

Rather than demand change, Loving Power changes how you show up in the relationship and invites your partner to do the same.

Practicing this will not only grow your connection, but will also grow a relationship that leaves the norms of this culture in the dust.

01/11/2026

Punishing yourself through shame-filled self-attack is not helpful to you or the person you hurt.

Feel the appropriate remorse, make it right, and remember that you’re a flawed human being among flawed human beings, still worthy of warm regard.

If you’re stuck in either shame or shamelessness, let me share with you some advice my kids used to give me…“Get over yo...
01/10/2026

If you’re stuck in either shame or shamelessness, let me share with you some advice my kids used to give me…

“Get over yourself!”

If you're in unaccountable shamelessness, come down off your high horse.

But not all the way down into self-attack. That doesn't help anyone.

Shame and shamelessness are two sides of the same coin. Both keep you trapped in self-preoccupation while the person you hurt is left there, waiting.

In the center is connection, with yourself and with others.

It’s where you have the healthy guilt and self-esteem needed to feel proportionately bad about bad behavior, while still holding yourself in warm regard as a flawed human being.

Practicing healthy guilt when we mess up is the first step toward accountability and repair.

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