Pulse of My Heart: One Couple Survives a Wife's Failing Heart

01/04/2022

Through each of the years after Patty had her heart attack in 2004, I was plagued by not-infrequent horrific (and, at times, violent) nightmares, one of which I describe in graphic detail in "Pulse of My Heart." Whenever I awakened, I felt overjoyed, often to the point of tears, to find out these were only dreams and not reality. I even begged Patty to somehow help me figure out how to make these and other dreams stop, especially through the chaotic last two years of our life together. I found sleep--of all things--exhausting. We so often talked about getting me therapy, but life has a tendency to get in the way.

Fast forward to the past few weeks, and it strikes me as darkly ironic that I've been relishing a series of warm, wonderful dreams in which many deep emotional hurdles and other traumas have been swept away. In these dreams, I feel wholly and unconditionally treasured and, although Patty is still gone in these dreams, I feel I can somehow grieve "safely" and move along, in peace, with whatever the rest of my life holds.

And, of course, I wake from THESE dreams, and it's like being tossed into the awful dreams of years past--reality in so few ways syncs up with my unconscious mind, for good or for bad. Last night's dream, which was truly beautiful, ended with me wide awake at 3:10 a.m., gasping, terrified, and with my heart pounding in my ears. In short, waking up was heartbreaking.

Have any of you experienced similar "traumas" from your dreams? Anyone know of meds or therapies designed to reduce the frequency of dreams? I'll be perfectly content to never dream again.

Happy New Year, all.

06/08/2021

From 10 years ago today. This seems like even better news in retrospect--it's another part of Patty's imprint on this world. She wanted the book to help people.

"How's this for a good Wednesday? Just heard from my literary agent that the book Patty and I are co-authoring about Patty's heart disease journey--"Pulse of My Heart"--will be published first as an E-Book and, if it sells well, as a paperback next year. We're pretty stoked!"

06/07/2021

From four years ago...this picture captures the very best of Patty's personality. She was funny, sardonic at times, and she laughed easily and often, even in her last weeks in my daily world. I miss her each and every day.

06/07/2021

This was one of the more pleasantly memorable days of last year. Although it was a hot day, Patty and I went for a long walk along Naperville's Riverwalk, and I picked a flower she wore in her hair for most of the afternoon. The parks and parking lots were flooded so, at one point, I had to set Patty on a curb, walk her wheelchair through an enormous puddle, and then carry Patty over said puddle back to her chair. She was both thirsty and hungry by the end of what was at least a two-hour walk, so, at her request, we stopped at Hugo's Frog Bar (outside, of course) for lemonade, an appetizer and some laughs and conversation. The day stands out because, aside from her being wheelchair-bound, Patty seemed much healthier (and thus happier) than usual. I SO MUCH wish we'd been blessed with more such days, especially knowing now there'd be so few to come.

05/24/2021

This was a really nice--albeit bittersweet--offering from my Memories feature this morning, from five years ago. In response to one question, Patty answered that we did EVERYTHING together...and that was mostly true. We didn't do "boys' nights" or "girls' vacations;" we were a package deal. When she slipped away after 20+ years of sharing most every moment, the silence was almost immediately deafening. I really miss her, and always will.

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WITHOUT any prompting, ask your "significant other" these questions and write down EXACTLY what they say. The outcomes can be hilarious...or brutal.

Patty's answers:

What is something I always say? "No idea."
What makes me happy? "Having company over for fires."
What makes me sad? "You get down on yourself...I don't know why."
What was I like as a child? "I don't know."
How old am I? "48" (I'm 49)
How tall am I? "Six feet, one-half inch."
Whats my favorite thing to do? "Watch sports on TV."
If I become famous, what will it be for? "Writing."
What am I not good at? "Organization."
What makes you proud of me? "When you set your mind to anything, you do it. Lots of things make me proud."
What is my favorite food? "Hamburgers."
What do we do together? "Cook, hang out, shop, go out for dinner. We do everything together."
How are you and I the same? "We're ideologically similar."
Where is my favorite place to eat? "MK Restaurant"
How old was I when I met you? "32" (I was 33)
When is our anniversary? "February 15"
If I could go anywhere, where would it be? "I don't know."
Do you think you could live with me forever? "Sure."
How do I annoy you? "You leave things lying around. When you put things away, it's not in the right place."
What is your favorite thing about me? "Your sense of humor."

05/24/2021

Even when she was ailing, Patty often mustered whatever energy she could find to spruce herself up go out for an evening--even in her last year, when we had a transport chair (and many more logistics) to navigate. This photo was from three years ago--she wasn't well, but she still signed on for date nights, even if we often cut them shorter than in days past.

05/20/2021

I love when FB's Memories feature serves up a nice photo of a (mostly) healthy Patty. Each time, of course, the fond recollections carry some sadness (like being hit with a baseball bat in the chest, sometimes). She was such a great person and brought so much light to my days for 20+ years. (And I think maybe she liked to show off her outfits from time to time.)

05/13/2021

From four years ago, during a magical weekend in Chicago. Even though the photo isn't of the greatest quality, I thought Patty looked stunning, healthy, and happy. I still find it almost impossible to believe she's gone. I feel even deeper sorrow, when I allow it, to think such a loving, funny, kind, generous and beautiful person endured so much hardship between the countless happy moments. She was tough but fragile.

I made a promise to myself today--for the first time since Patty died--to try to stay happy ALL DAY, no matter what crosses my path, so I'm determined to look at this photo of this beautiful woman and smile instead of ache.

How are all of you survivors doing? I hope you're faring well.

04/25/2021