Steve Irsay, LPC, Counseling & Coaching

09/23/2022

Truth.

05/16/2022

It’s normal to have these thoughts about therapy.
Credit: .0 TikTok

02/10/2022

Thanks to of Katie Couric Media for including me in this helpful and important article.

Spoiler: It’s not about how often you argue.

02/07/2022

The future of Retail Therapy?

Selfridges, a British department store, announced it would start offering a range of services including couples therapy and psychedelic trips in VR pods in an effort to attract new shoppers.

10/11/2021

Join Calm for 7 Days of Mental Health

calm • Rain on Leaves 🍃

10/10/2021

Today is World Mental Health Day. This year's theme is Mental Health In An Unequal World, and this article covers why that's especially important right now.

World Mental Health Day 2021 is shining a light on the role of inequality. Abi Jackson talks to Rethink Mental Illness’ deputy CEO Brian Dow

02/19/2021

https://realmenswork.com/overthinking-avoidance-regret/

Overthinking, Avoidance, and Regret These have been three of the most heinous poisons in my own life. And it took an unprecedented national tragedy for me to start getting past them. In the wake of the Sept. 11, 2001 terrorist attacks, the Department of Homeland Security launched a public service ca...

12/30/2020

CODEPENDENCY...

This term comes up quite a bit in therapy.

I find codependency to be one of the more slippery terms in psychology and personal growth.

It’s exact definition is one of those “depends who you ask” or “depends what you read” deals.

The strict, old-school definition is derived from the 12-step recovery movement. In that model, a codependent person is someone caught in an unhealthy relationship with someone with an addiction.

Codependency more broadly can refer to any lopsided relationship in which a person is overly dependent on the well-being or approval of another.

Most of my clients who mention codependency are often not dealing with anyone with an addiction.

In some cases they are not even in a relationship at the moment.

So, how do we work on the issue?

I usually start by tweaking it a bit.

We discuss over-dependence vs. codependence.

In this context, overdependence simply refers to any person or thing on which you rely too heavily for your own sense of worth and well-being.

In this context, you can be over-dependent on just about anything.

That may sound like bad news.

But it’s not.

Because it creates a clear path to healing.

Here’s the common sticking point I find for most people working on this issue:

They are furiously focusing on DECREASING their dependence on the unhealthy fixation: a partner, work, alcohol, video games, origami, whatever…

The path out of that loop -- and into greater overall health and life satisfaction -- is to INCREASE their healthy focus on other things in life.

“Things” -- plural. As in, more than one.

This is where I introduce the practice I like to call “Diversify Your Pie.”

You’re probably familiar with pie charts from math class.

When was the last time you pie’d your life?

Draw a circle. That’s your life. That’s 100%.

Now, start carving out slices for the things you focus on and invest your most precious resources in: time, money, thoughts, feelings, energy, etc.

Keep cutting up slices and assigning percentages.

Be as honest as you can.

Intentionally diversifying your pie in this way can prevent the slow slide into over-dependence on any one (or two) people or things.

And that often means less stress and more enjoyment.

12/29/2020

NO MORE REGRETS AND WORRIES

“Be present.” “Live in the now.” “Let it go.” “Move on.” “Appreciate what you have.”

These are all wonderful and powerful life-giving sentiments and practices.

But what about the past? And the future?

Obviously, you have one of each.

And as you may have noticed, your mind is sure to drop back into your past… and lean forward into your future.

It’s just one of the many things the mind does.

The key is to work with your mind so its tendency for time travel is skillful and healthy.

Unskillful and unhealthy mental time travel sounds like regrets about the past and worries about the future.

So what are the opposites of regret and worry?

Reflection and planning, respectively.

Reflection is an intentional, thoughtful looking back; a way of harvesting accomplishments and valuable learnings from your past.

Planning is an empowered way of not just looking ahead to your future but actually intentionally creating your future through goal-directed actions.

Here’s an easy activity to help you hone your abilities to reflect and plan -- instead of regret and worry.

Below are 8 major life areas.

First, try to write down any progress or wins -- big or small -- that you have made in the past year in any of these areas.

Next try to identify any wishes, hopes, aspirations, or goals in any of these areas -- again, big or small, it doesn't matter.

Feel free to focus on as many or as few areas as make sense for you.

8 Areas:

1) Physical - Any aspects of physical health (diet, exercise, sleep, activity)

2) Mental - Any sort of learning or mental practices

3) Spiritual - Any sort of connection or practices related to a sense of things bigger than yourself

4) Relational - Family, friends, partner, peers, colleagues -- any and all relationships

5) Vocational - Anything related to business, career, or a sense of your calling

6) Financial - Work, earning, spending, saving, planning, etc,

7) Creative - Anything you do or make that feels fulfilling for its own sake, versus necessary or functional.

8) Rejuvenative - Self-care, relaxation, fun, etc.

12/23/2020

QUIT UNFAIRLY COMPARING YOURSELF

“I really should be like this…”

“Man, that person really has it all together and I’m a mess!”

I have found that there are two very common and self-defeating comparisons we make.

One is to some idealized standard.

Those are all the “should” statements we make about anything and everything we think, feel, or do.

The other is to some unicorn of a person we see as miraculously and flawlessly “having it all together” -- at least in all the ways we struggle.

Both of these are traps.

And it is ridiculously easy to get caught.

So here’s a way to get better at releasing your foot from the jaws of the comparison trap.

Practice MORE CARING and LESS COMPARING.

If that sounds difficult, try thinking about how we treat babies (or toddlers or any young children really).

(Admittedly, this might be easier if you are a parent. But humor me and try it. If nothing else, I’m assuming you were a kid once yourself!)

Frequent unhealthy comparing might be pointing you to something “young” or “fragile” in yourself or your life that needs a little more protection.

A skill you are developing. A business you are launching. A project you are planning.

These are your babies. (Maybe you have even called something you are working on “my baby,” right? That’s not a coincidence!)

Babies are vulnerable -- certainly compared to their larger human counterparts.

That’s why we babyproof homes. And hold them. And tend to their every need.

That’s also why we (hopefully) offer more nurturing or caring.

We don’t take a little baby who is just learning to pick up and awkwardly toss a toy ball and sit that baby on the sidelines of a college basketball game and admonish the baby for not throwing a more crisp bounce.

(At least, I hope you don’t!)

Instead, when the baby clumsily chucks the ball a few inches in front of itself then stumbles after it, we whoop and holler like it was a fast break no-look-pass from LeBron to A.D. for the flush.

We might even filmed this moment and posted it to every known social media outlet.

We’re proud.

We also protect what is vulnerable. We celebrate the wins. And we act as if it is the most amazing thing in the universe -- our universe -- at that moment.

What if this was how we treated something we were practicing or creating for ourselves?

What if instead of comparing it and seeing it or ourselves as “less than” or “not enough,” we protected it more and celebrated it harder?

If you are finding yourself increasingly snagged in comparison traps, it could be an invitation to take a step back and offer that part of yourself a little more protecting and celebrating.

Then, when it feels a bit stronger, put it on the bigger stage. You might be surprised to find you are less concerned with comparing.

That is the power of caring over comparing.

So, what’s something in your life that could use a little more caring and a little less comparing?