08/16/2023
My OG's here already know this, but for any new darlings who've stumbled into my little corner of the internet, here is my yearly PSA about the first week/weekend of school:
Listen up and listen up good. The first week of school is a gauntlet that I wonder how our kids survive every year. Having basically lived in a frat house all summer, they are now expected to sit in chairs all day, pay attention, learn new rules, figure out the social hierarchy, be quiet, and keep their mental foot on the gas for 7-8 hours a day.
They are WASTED. Absolutely cooked. If by some miracle they don't melt down at school, you can bet your bottom dollar they will at home. Prepare to experience armageddon over the after-school snack being cut wrong. They can't deal. It is like their little minds and bodies went to Marine Boot Camp for babies. Remy started her senior year yesterday, came home at 2:00, and slept from 2:06-10:45pm. God help us.
So do NOT, under any circumstances WHATSOEVER, plan anything for the first Friday night/whole weekend of the first week of school. I don't care if Barack and Michelle Obama invite you over for a barbecue. You are staying home. You make exactly zero plans. Zero. Your only job is to keep your wasted children calm enough to fall asleep on the couch by 6:15pm.
"I HATE SCHOOOOOOOL. MY TEACHER IS SO MEEEEEEAN."
"Mmm-hmmm. That sounds hard."
"WHY DIDN'T YOU SEND ME A GOOD LUNCH?????"
"We can work on that."
"YOU DIDN'T GET ME THE RIGHT BACKPAAAAAAACK!!"
"Let's have a snack."
They are wild, crazed animals. Do not take the exhaustion bait. Just nod. They are right. Everything is terrible and you did everything wrong. Let them air all their grievances. They need a banana and some water. Don't ask them a hundred questions about school. Don't ask them four questions about school. It's not the time, moms.
When they come home Friday, have the lights low, their cozy spot on the couch ready, a soft blanket to cover them with, pizza ordered, and a movie on. THAT IS IT. That is the end of your agenda. They will make it through 8 minutes of the show and be in REM sleep.
If in an emergency you can't peel them off the rafters, put them in a Feelings Bath: bubbles, music, a candle, a little snack and drink next to them. This has a 100% success rate. They will NOT WANT A BATH except when you put them in it and they emerge as a calm, regulated child again. Then off to the pizza and movie couch.
Trust me on this one. If I know anything at all, I know that your "fun plans" for the first Friday night of school are doomed to catastrophe. Unless you love throwing sobbing, overstimulated children into your minivan halfway through the thing, just stay home.
Last year, moms posted pics of their kids asleep after school on the first week, and this is the whole reason Al Gore invented the internet. Half off couches, face down on the tile, asleep next to their dinner plate. God bless and keep the babies. Please post below accordingly.
Finally, teachers? Take every word I said above and apply it to yourself. MAKE NO PLANS THIS WEEKEND. The most you are allowed to do is call Domino's.
