04/27/2026
“How do I get rid of the anger towards a parent that I didn’t feel safe with?”
How many of us can relate to this? 😰 There is so much hurt and fear underneath the anger. That’s what needs to be seen and honored so our little selves can heal.
This is what we do in Family Constellations. The love can then flow from those unsafe parents to us because we release the judgment against them. We then have the ability to love everyone else in our lives and pass that love on to our children. 💞
Reposted •
Anger, according to clinical psychologist Dr. Janina Fisher, isn’t just about rage or resentment.
It’s a “cover emotion”—often guarding something more tender underneath, like grief, fear, or unmet needs. When a child feels unsafe, powerless, or invisible, anger becomes a survival mechanism, not a flaw.
As trauma specialist Dr. Bessel van der Kolk explains in The Body Keeps the Score:
“When people are chronically ignored or dismissed, the result isn’t just sadness—it’s fury. And that fury has nowhere to go.”
Anger Is Not a Character Flaw—It’s a Signal
Relational trauma—especially with caregivers—creates a rupture in trust. If the very person who was supposed to protect you also caused you pain, your nervous system doesn’t forget that contradiction.
Anger, in this context, is your body’s way of saying:
“Something happened that shouldn’t have.” It’s a protest. A boundary. A cry for repair.
But here’s the trap:
You feel anger. Then you judge yourself for feeling it. That judgment creates more shame.That shame creates more anger.
And the cycle continues—not because you’re broken, but because you’re trying to suppress something that never got safely acknowledged.
Underneath Anger Is Someone Who Wasn’t Held
In attachment theory, when a child’s emotional bids are consistently rejected, the brain adapts. It learns to replace vulnerability with defensiveness.
That’s why anger often masks what researchers call protest behavior—a child’s desperate attempt to regain closeness while shielding their pain.
The Way Out Isn’t to “Fix” Anger—It’s to Befriend It
Instead of suppressing your anger or intellectually analyzing it away, research points to a different approach: emotional attunement.
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