Full Circle Connection, PLLC

05/29/2024

02/14/2023

Marriage tip from a marriage therapist: when thinking about what to do for your partner, ask yourself, “what would I do for them when we were dating?” And do it! You must INTENTIONALLY keep the spark alive 🔥

06/22/2022

Who wants to live in their potential?!

Check out this AMAZING seminar:

Value: Bring forth your greatest self as you join us for a 3 hour virtual seminar on Sunday, July 24th, to engage in inspiring speeches, stories, and envisioning and goal setting practices that will help you achieve strength in your physical, mental, financial, and spiritual health.

07/19/2020

This is one of my favorite questions of all time, as it really helps us expand our relational self-awareness. A lot of us move through the world hyper-focused on what the *other* person is doing (our parent, our partner, our kid). ⁣
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There are a couple of different “origin stories” that can create a tendency to position ourselves as REACTORS rather than ACTORS. ⁣
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You may struggle to understand how YOUR words and actions are co-creating a dynamic if:⁣
* You were highly sensitive as kids, so being hyper focused on the mood of the people around you may have helped you know how to set expectations.⁣
* You occupy one or more marginalized identities, so being hyper focused on those who have more power is a survival strategy.⁣
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Another type of origin story has to do with:⁣
* A family dynamic in which you were the “golden child.” Nobody held you accountable or talked with you about how your behavior affected others.⁣
* The fact that you occupy more privileged identities and therefore you are more accustomed to setting the tone rather than reacting to it.⁣
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The first set of stories are about powerlessness and the second set are about false/phony powerfulness. Neither dynamic sets the stage for healthy relationships. ⁣
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Life may not have given you many opportunities to flip the script and get curious about how the people around you are experiencing you. We can have a skill deficit that isn’t our “fault” but is nonetheless ours to remedy.⁣
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Develop a practice of imagining how the people you’re relating to are feeling in your presence: “What’s it like to be with me right now?” ⁣
* Am I making it safe to speak vulnerably to me?⁣
* How gentle is my tone?⁣
* To what degree is my energy opening dialog up or shutting it down?⁣
* How present vs distracted am I?⁣
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Here’s the catch. Don’t use your “findings” to fuel self-flagellation. Don’t beat yourself up! Just use your findings to guide different choices:⁣
* Do you need more sleep?⁣
* Do you need some space?⁣
* Are you being hard on them because you’re hard on you?⁣
* What are you afraid will happen if you become more approachable?⁣
* Do you need to put your phone down so you can “listen with your whole face”?⁣
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10/21/2019

We are responsible for our healing.

Some of the most vital relational self-awareness work you’ll ever do is understanding your emotional inheritance from your parents.
* This is NOT about finger pointing and blame. I feel confident that your parents raised you from their highest level of awareness. Your parents carried the burdens of their parents and on up the tree we go.
* This work is also not about making excuses for our behavior. As one of my first clinical supervisors used to say, “it is our job to recover from the parents we were given.” Our inheritance is not our responsibility. Our healing is. The more deeply you understand what your parents unconsciously projected onto you, the more liberated you will be to create a life that feels authentic to you. Think about the messages you were given about who and how you need to be in the world. How were those messages shaped by *their* unlived lives? By what they were never able to express or do or achieve. Parents often say they want “what’s best” for their kids.
* Problem #1: This presupposes there is such a thing as one best life. That’s way too much pressure for us mere mortals!
* Problem #2: When parents’ voices are SO loud about what’s best, kids don’t find their voice, and living in the world without access to an internal compass is terrifying. Messages are often handed down in the form of “should” and “shouldn’t”:
* you shouldn’t get married until you’re 30.
* you should go to a “top tier” school.
* you should get X kind of job.
* you shouldn’t move in with someone before marriage.
I am a huge fan of parents and kids having heart-to-heart conversation about hopes, dreams, values, opportunities, etc. How do you know if the conversation is heart-to-heart? Because it’s founded in connection rather than control, love rather than fear, authenticity instead of authority. It sounds like the parent saying (for example), “I’m aware that a pain point in my own life is that I never finished college, and that makes this topic scary for me. I also know that the context of our lives is very different. Please help me understand your context, so I can be an ally to you.” There’s a world of difference between projection & dialog.

07/30/2019

Let’s shout this from the rooftops! I learn this in my own marriage time and time again and appreciate the evolution.

It’s meant to make you conscious

09/13/2018

Every story has an end. But in life, every end is a new beginning.

08/21/2018

What's in your bank account?

Ever wonder why some couples make it and others don’t? We’ve found it has a lot to do with the “Emotional Bank Account,” which represents the balance of posi...

08/12/2018

“Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere.” Anonymous

06/18/2018

The most important relationship you have is with yourself. For it lays the foundation for all other relationships in your life.

05/25/2018

Founder of Full Circle Connection, Lubna Ali, explains the benefits of therapy and how it can transform your life.