04/09/2020
Our world is not the place it once was, even just a few short weeks ago. The reality in which we find ourselves today feels anything but “normal” and is so far from the familiar and comfortable existence we once enjoyed. As a counselor I view much of life through three main lenses; that of trauma, loss/grief and attachment/connection. This COVID-19 pandemic has implications impacting all three of these areas in ways in which those living have never before experienced.
According to the New Oxford American Dictionary trauma is defined as a “deeply distressing or disturbing experience.” It only takes a few minutes of watching the news these days to encounter those deeply distressing and disturbing experiences that are being lived by many all over the globe. Many of our heroes fighting on the front lines (essential workers such as medical professionals, first responders, etc.) are being faced with life and death situations day in and day out. They are witnessing the loss of countless lives and also having to face the constant fear of being exposed to the virus themselves at any moment. Countless others are suffering the effects of COVID-19 symptoms in isolation separated from the care of friends and family and cut off from essential mental and emotional support to see them through to what we hope will be complete recovery. It has been devastating to continue to watch the death toll rise and to think about so many people suffering all across the globe. The thing about trauma is that many people who experience the same trauma will respond very differently. We are seeing this play out in many ways during this crisis too. Both extremes exist from those who are hoarding toilet paper and other supplies while planning for the imminent end of the world to those who are carrying on with “life as normal”. Many of us fall somewhere in between and are simply trying our best to do our part to slow the spread of the virus while trying to make the best of a completely abnormal situation. We are all processing the trauma we are experiencing in various ways too. Some people cope through anger and taking action, others retreat and withdraw. There is no right or wrong way to process what is going on in our world and it is important that we try to understand and extend grace to those in our path who are most likely just trying to survive. This brings us to the next lens I want us all to look through, that of the lens of loss/grief.
Many people often only associate grief with the actual physical death of a loved one. While many of us will unfortunately be touched in some way with this type of loss in the coming weeks and months, that is not the type of loss I want to focus on in this section. I want to talk about all of the other types of loss we are enduring in the ever-changing world we are now living in. The biggest loss I have seen in the past few weeks is the loss of normalcy. We wake up each day in what feels like a different world. We are having to constantly adapt and change and problem-solve and multi-task in ways that we’ve never had to before. The change is constant and will continue to be constant as this pandemic continues to unfold around us. This loss of normalcy also leads to other huge losses as well. Perhaps one of the other biggest losses I’ve seen is that of the loss of safety. I realize now how much I took for granted being able to go out in public without also carrying the fear of contracting a virus or worrying about spreading that virus on to someone else unknowingly. Our children have also become victim to this type of loss as they are able to sense that all of a sudden the world in which they live isn’t the safe place they once thought it to be. Even though they may not know or be able to truly understand why they can’t do the things they used to be able to do, they can sense that the world they once felt safe and comfortable in is no longer as safe or comfortable. Another loss that I am seeing is that of perceived control. For many of us, we have already experienced life-altering losses that have forced us to face the reality that there really isn’t much in this life that we actually have any control over. For countless others, that is the loss they find themselves grieving right now during this pandemic. Loss of freedom is another big one for many today. We are no longer free to go where we want to go, when we want to go or with whomever we want to go. Limitations and boundaries now exists almost everywhere and we are all impacted by these limitations in some form on a daily basis. Several other losses include: loss of financial security, identity, roles, work, sanity, connections, self-care, dreams, hopes, plans, vacations, and traditions. I want to pause here to validate all of these types of losses. I am so sad for the graduates of 2020 who will not be able to attend their own graduation and spend their remaining weeks with their friends and teachers who have become like family to them. I am sad for those who have had to postpone weddings, family vacations and other special events because the risk is just too high. I am sad for Grandparents who can no longer hold their grandkids and have to watch them grow up from a distance. I am sad for parents who are having to play multiple roles all at once while also trying to maintain their sanity. I am sad that so many will not be able to hold a memorial for their deceased loved ones who fall victim to this ruthless virus. There are so many things to grieve right now in our world. I realize that many of these losses seem insignificant when there are literally people dying all over the world from this virus but I want to encourage you and give you permission to grieve these losses too. When it comes to grief, it is so important to not compare grief. Grief is grief and loss is loss and all of these things are worthy of being grieved. Your sadness is valid and your loss is real. The overlapping trend with many of these losses is that they involve lost connections as well. It isn’t just about a vacation that had to be cancelled or a special event that is postponed, it’s the fact that these are memories that will not get to be made and time spent with people we care about that won’t happen for an indefinite amount of time. Those are things that are worthy of the time and space to process. Those are losses that need to be grieved.
The last lens I want us to view COVID-19 through is that of connection/attachment. This pandemic has changed the way we connect with others in major ways. Although I am thankful that programs like Face time and Zoom exist, I think we can all agree it just isn’t the same. It is nice to have these ways to stay connected to family and friends but there is just something about being able to physically be in proximity with others that is very grounding and needed. I believe that God wired us all for connection. This viral threat is preventing us from being able to connect with others which is crucial to our mental, physical and emotional well-being in so many ways. Loneliness is one of the biggest complaints I have seen among people during this time. Just because we all suddenly find ourselves under the same roof for an extended period of time does not mean that we are actually experiencing deep and meaningful connection. Connection requires time and intentionality-things many of us are not familiar with having.
This pandemic has brought about a lot of challenges and losses but has also brought about the opportunity for some great changes in our world. I love seeing stories about how families are eating meals together again and stories of how people now have time to rest and relax and play instead of staying busy rushing from one activity to the next. In many ways some people are experiencing a greater level of connection than they’ve experienced in a long time which is amazing, but there are many people out there who are struggling. I want to encourage you if you find yourself on the side of flourishing during this time to reach out to support someone who is struggling. This can look like a lot of things- dropping off a meal, sending a gift card, mailing a card of encouragement, giving someone a call or anything else your creative mind can come up with. If you are on the side of struggling please reach out to someone for help. We really are in this together and working together is the only thing that will see us through. I want to include a couple of other practical suggestions to help you as you try to survive and maybe even thrive during these challenging times.
1. Grace, grace, grace. These times are going to require that we extend grace upon grace upon grace-grace for ourselves and grace for others.
2. Choose connection over productivity whenever possible. Many are balancing working from home with caring for children and seeing to their education as well. There will always be work and things to be done but the opportunity for connection won’t always be there. Choose connection.
3. Don’t be afraid to admit if you are struggling. Reach out to a friend, family member or seek professional help from a counselor if you need it. Getting help isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength. Remember we are all in this together.
