05/31/2023
Helpful suggestions
BECOMING AWARE OF YOUR TRIGGERS
In our last couple of posts we have been discussing being aware of our emotional tanks of encouragement and internal pressure. Now let’s turn our attention to those feelings that indicate a deeper problem. We call these feelings triggers. When we are flooded with negative feelings during an argument or encounter with our spouse and we notice the conversation going downhill fast, it’s usually because someone has hit on a trigger (something unresolved from the past) and the result is strong anxiety, anger, frustration, or perhaps withdrawal. Swamped by some familiar unpleasant feeling we can’t deny, we become more defensive and irritated with our spouse. The sudden flood of feelings inside is often accompanied by a racing heart and spike in blood pressure. Whether or not our reactions visible, the fact is that we are overwhelmed and cannot listen or think clearly. Clearly, we need to learn about how triggers work and what to do when something inside us is triggered.
And we’re not talking about Roy Roger’s horse, Trigger, who’s now on display in Branson, Missouri. Instead of a trusty steed, we’re talking about old rusty deeds – people’s words and actions that hurt us very deeply. These events may have been instances of acute injury, or they could have been long, drawn-out patterns of hurt and abuse. But, like a rusty nail, each event punctured deeply, and sometimes that old wound has remained unhealed for decades.
Remember how Tim experienced such strong feelings when his wife, Clair, cried? He quickly became agitated and lashed out. He had been triggered. We define a trigger as a strong reactive feeling about something that is happening in the present, a feeling turbocharged by a hurt in the past. In Tim’s case, his anxiety over hearing his mother cry when he was younger was triggered by Clair’s crying. When Clair cried, all of Tim’s pain from the past with his mom came flooding into the present, and poor Clair got caught in the washout. Tim’s extreme response was disproportionate to Clair’s behavior, but until they came into my office, they had no clue what was going on. Once they understood the dynamic – once Tim gained awareness – he knew why his feelings were so intense. Then, with help, Tim brought his high levels of reactivity into check instead of continuing to unleash them on Clair.
When some people – like Tim – hit triggers, it’s obvious. For others the emotional reaction all happens inside, but the surge of feeling causes some sort of withdrawal or immediate separation from their environment. When I (Milan) was working with Kim and John, for instance, John was quiet; he rarely showed any emotion. But whenever his wife’s voice got whiny and high-pitched, I noticed that he would clench his jaw, tighten his shoulders, and look out the window. I wondered if a trigger was being tripped. I handed him the soul words list and said, “Pick a word that describes how you feel when your wife uses that tone of voice.”
John looked down the list and said, “Agitated, beaten down, exhausted, and apathetic.”
“On a scale of one to ten, how strong are those feelings?”
“Ten,” he answered without hesitation. Kim was stunned by John’s intense feelings, hidden just under the surface. John’s body language was the only indicator that a lot was going on inside him.
The way to identify a trigger in someone else is to look for a situation in which you thought you were lighting a small firecracker and got two tons of dynamite instead. Boom! You have an opportunity to see what you did to trigger that explosion.
PINPOINTING YOUR TRIGGERS
Literally anything can be a trigger. It can be a tone of voice, attitude, behavior, opinion, or even the sincere emotions of your spouse. How can you become aware of what triggers in your emotional responses that are rooted in the past? First, notice your (over) reaction, and, second, look at what prompted it. Also take the time to follow my next suggestion.
When you notice yourself feeling intense reactions to something or someone (even if others don’t notice), take a deep breath, settle down, and ask yourself three questions: (1) When have I felt this in the past? (2) Who was I with? And (3) What soul words describe this intense reaction? Sometimes it also helps to think of who it is in your past you’d like to respond to. Using these diagnostic questions will help raise your awareness level, and you’ll probably find a link between what you’re feeling in the present and similar feeling you had in the past.
Back to John and Kim. After John identified his intense feelings, I asked Kim to take the listener role and ask him the three questions above. She found out that John’s older sister ran the house with her whining and complaining, refusing to stop until she got her way. When John told us the words he wanted to say to his sister, he put his hands over his ears and yelled, “Shut up, shut up, shut up! You are not the queen of the universe, and I’m sick of you getting your way!” John was beaten down, exhausted, and worn out by his sister’s constant whining, so it didn’t take much for Kim’s tone of voice to send John over the edge. He’d check out and stop hearing anything Kim said.
Now let’s be clear: We’re absolutely not suggesting that John should have said these exact words to his sister. We just want you to see that becoming aware requires reflecting. Often, stopping to ask, “What words fit with my strong feelings?” helps us look back at our past to see if those feelings were going on long before our situation with our spouse.
When we are able to identify our triggers and then share our insights with our spouse, some wonderful things can happen. Your spouse will understand you more deeply and may be more careful to not touch an old wound. In addition, your spouse can become your confidant and consoler as you share hurts from the past. Awareness brings a new realization that your emotional reaction isn’t only about the person who just irritated you, but rather about an old rusty injury that’s still sensitive and painful.
Remember that anything can be a trigger. Too many people, for instance, don’t see their negative feelings about the holidays linked to unpleasant events of the past. Circumstances, events, dates, or seasons can also set us off. This year, for example, Kay found herself agitated during the month of October because her mom had passed away during October the previous year.
By identifying your triggers as Kay did, you can begin to take responsibility for your reactivity in your relationship. After all, when we have a surge of negative emotion, it’s common to try to deflect the blame onto others, specifically our spouse. And our spouse may hit dangerously close to an old wound or unpleasant experience from our past. But we don’t often recognize that someone in our past deserves the real blame for making us feel what we’re feeling. Discovering what your spouse’s current behaviors, attitudes, expectations, or tones of voice remind you of will help you learn why you overreact, and realizing that connection can help defuse the flood of feelings and considerably scale down the present conflict. Your poor spouse doesn’t deserve to get a supercharged response because of your past. Directing those negative feelings where they belong is often key to reducing the intensity of our reactions.
For more information about HOW WE LOVE or for resources that help build healthy relationships please visit us online. https://www.howwelove.com
