09/25/2024
She could feel him tighten with fear at what he was feeling.
She felt herself earmark him to return once he was less afraid of everything she made him feel.
I would do this frequently when I was younger.
I would mentally assess the attraction and compatibility between myself and every guy I'd be in class with, in a group with, on the bus with... there were always at least 2 or 3 who held these feelings when I'd look at them or feel them look at me that felt me curious and aware of caring if we made eye contact.
But oh my was I shy.
I'm still shy.
I know I know, I have learned to cover for it well. I have learned to lead with brash boldness and confident ease.
I learned pretty quickly that everyone was looking and seeing something when they noticed me, but the question always was- "what"
What were they seeing? What were they thinking?
This drove me bonkers for about 20 years. Agonizing over what was in their heads even as I intellectually knew it didn't matter, unless it mattered... and then I rarely felt like I had any power or influence enough to make any impact on what they saw or how they interpreted what I said or was.
And this was deeply freeing.
To no longer be saddled with thought after agonizingly heavy thought about how I could make sure my words were understood correctly and taken to mean how I had meant them...
That I was seen how I intended to be seen.
Oof this one.
So many different and contrasting perspectives on me... to the point I felt lost in all the faces of me, that lived inside other people and the stories they carried of me.
But the most confusing to me was always the way the ones that seemed most excited about me also tasted and moved like fear of me.
Like I could watch them grapple with the spectrum of feelings I awoke in them and then the way that would ping pong off different other feelings and "spots" in them- the tighter ones seemed to make them spin and the looser ones seemed to bounce and yield into an expansion of the feeling I has awoken.
I've always seen so much information internally (inner vision) and didn't understand until my mid 20s or so how deeply rare and unique that level of visual data constantly swirling internally was.
Yet, this is why you chose to approach me, I can feel it's part of what drew you here into this interaction with me- you can feel how this internal data radiates off me, like a key turning a lock you have been searching for what opens the door.....this door you've been eyeing for 25+ years in confused excitement and anxiety.
It's time the door was opened and the contents brought into the wholeness of who you are.
It's time for you to feel everything you've been numbing and thus not building the needed experience with.
It's time for tomorrow to be today.
Welcome.
Let's talk.
Let's unravel what needs to be rewired into a more functional flow and allow yourself to feel everything you know you can feel until you're feeling everything as new and as the blessing you came here to be centered as.
