04/01/2026
Client calls me at 2:47 a.m., voice shaking like he’s mainlining espresso and pure panic:
‘They hacked everything! My phone, my fridge, even my Alexa! It keeps whispering my Social Security number in my sleep. I had a breakdown last week and I’m on enough pills to sedate a rhino, but I KNOW it’s real. Fix it. I’ll pay anything.’
I drive over. Spend forty-five minutes ‘scanning’ a perfectly normal smart fridge that’s just been switched to Celsius because he hit the wrong button while half-asleep on his meds.
Me: ‘Sir… there’s no breach. It’s literally just showing the temperature in metric.’
Client (tears in his eyes, clutching his pill bottle like it’s a gr***de): ‘That’s what they WANT you to think! They’re gaslighting me through the ice maker! Wire me $4,800 right now or the voices win.’
I nodded, ran a ‘counter-hack’ that consisted of changing the fridge back to Fahrenheit and unplugging Alexa for dramatic effect.
He cried with relief. Venmo’d me instantly.
Private investigation: We’re here for our clients—even on an off night or when they’ve gone a little too far with the fun. 🔍💊