09/02/2025
~Talk O Tuesday with Chad Lawton, RMFTI~
COMMUNICATION PATTERNS THAT DESTROY TRUST
Gottman’s 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse
Dr. John Gottman, after decades of research, identified four destructive patterns that predict breakdown with striking accuracy. He called them the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” because when this show up repeatedly and remain unaddressed, they signal the decline of intimacy and connection.
Let’s explore them more deeply:
1. Criticism – Attacking the Person, Not the Behavior
It’s natural to have complaints. But when complaints turn into criticism, we attack character instead of addressing actions.
• “Why are you always so careless?”
• “You never think of me. You’re selfish.”
👉 Over time, the criticized partner feels inadequate, defective, or unloved. The relationship shifts from “we’re on the same team” to “you’re against me.”
shift: Express the feeling and need instead of character attacks.
🔹 “I felt worried when you forgot to call. I need reassurance that you’re safe.”
2. Contempt – The Poison of Disrespect
Contempt is criticism plus disdain. It looks like sarcasm, eye-rolling, mockery, or hostile humor.
• “Oh, here we go again—you being dramatic.”
• “You’re so pathetic, I can’t even talk to you.”
👉 Contempt communicates superiority: “I’m better than you.” It breeds shame, resentment, and emotional distance.
shift: Replace contempt with appreciation and curiosity.
🔹 “I may not fully understand why this matters so much to you, but I want to.”
3. Defensiveness – Protecting Instead of Listening
When we feel blamed, our instinct is to protect ourselves. But defensiveness blocks growth.
• “It’s not my fault, you’re the one who…”
• “You’re exaggerating, that never happened.”
👉 This creates a cycle: one partner criticizes, the other defends, and nothing changes. The deeper message heard is: “Your feelings don’t matter.”
shift: Take even a small piece of responsibility.
🔹 “I see why you felt hurt. I could’ve handled that better.”
4. Stonewalling – Shutting Down Instead of Facing the Conflict
Stonewalling happens when one partner withdraws, goes silent, or emotionally shuts down.
• Silent treatment.
• “I don’t want to talk about this. Just leave me alone.”
👉 While it may protect from overwhelm in the moment, it leaves the other feeling abandoned and invisible. It builds walls instead of bridges.
shift: Practice self-soothing
🔹 “I’m feeling too overwhelmed right now. Can we pause and talk in 20 minutes?”
🌱These four patterns don’t just create fights; they corrode the very foundation of safety and trust. When partners feel unsafe to be vulnerable, intimacy withers.
Relationships don’t need perfection; they need repair, honesty, and the willingness to try again.
