07/10/2022
Just A New Dad’s Notes *ೃ༄
Being a parent to a newborn definitely isn’t “easy.” I wouldn’t necessarily describe it as “hard” either, though. It’s an adventure. It is unique. And nuanced.
Like almost all real involved life experience.
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In truth it is what it is…To spend time debating or determining what it is, in subjective terms, feels mostly irrelevant.
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What does present itself to me though is that it is chock full of opportunity. Opportunity to reflect. To observe my behavior. To come face to face with our own and our shared depth of patience and determination. Previously built and newly being.. Our resilience. Our desire to help and our tendencies (or at-least my own) to retreat/zone out/focus on other “more tangible things” that I feel like I can actually control and influence and have a real handle on. Like work. Or the gym.
One of the “Harder” aspects, if not the only, is seeing or feeling this someone that you love so deeply and dearly, so purely…who is completely innocent and nearly helpless & entirely or mostly dependent on you for their well being - feeling and/or being upset. Unhappy. And not being able to soothe them. To Calm them. To give them exactly what they need with ease every time. I think in truth this is where all/any genuinely involved new-parent frustration stems from .. as a man, perhaps biologically influenced by this sense of value that comes of utility -being useful. and wanting to fix and solve the challenge or overcome the obstacle at hand, it can be frustrating and then from the view and relation of a mother, as a woman.. difficult and emotionally taxing to not being able to give your baby what they need, when it feels like the entirety of your biology is hooked up for this very job. And that by some way “you’re supposed to be inherently good at it.”
That’s a tough fu***ng thing to reckon.
And a beautiful one to be able to balance and grow from.
One I seem to be growing in sensitivity and appreciation for every day.
