10/29/2025
Escaped Lab Monkeys Establish New Hierarchy, Begin Crafting Armored Masks in Woods Near I-59
Officials say the escaped Tulane University lab monkeys from Tuesday’s highway crash have “gone fully tribal” in the nearby forest, reportedly forming a complex hierarchy and crafting crude armored masks from vehicle debris and road signs.
Witnesses claim the dominant male nicknamed General Bananos by locals, was seen wearing a chest plate made from a truck’s hubcap and leading a group of smaller monkeys in what appeared to be synchronized intimidation dances. One trooper described the scene as “a mix between Planet of the Apes and a Renaissance fair.”
Wildlife officers say attempts to recapture the monkeys have failed after the primates began rolling flaming tires down a hill toward responders. “They’ve learned basic tactics,” said one official. “We think they’re studying YouTube tutorials on guerilla warfare from an iPhone they stole.”
Authorities urge residents to remain indoors, avoid wooded areas, and report any sightings of “small creatures wearing reflective armor or carrying bananas like grenades.”
The same Wyoming-based hazmat crew that helped capture the genetically altered cobras is en route, this time equipped with tranquilizer drones and fruit decoys. “We just hope we can get them before they start building siege engines,” one officer said.
