12/28/2022
This is great! And I think we can all relate to it. It takes practice to be able to access the personal regulation to allow the mess to happen, and then use it to develop skills, but it's worth it. The mess is not a problem to be prevented, but an inevitable part of life. Life is messy. Some of the messes will be unexpected, and some will be the result of our own actions. Teach your child how to pick up the pieces and move forward without being shamed for making the mess in the first place. Shame does not lead children toward learning how to regulate themselves better. It makes them afraid to make mistakes, and that isn't helpful. We all make mistakes. 100% of us. Teach your child that it's ok to make a mistake, or to misjudge an outcome. (I just did that yesterday...misjudged an outcome...and I'm a 47 year old woman with a master's degree. But I'm also human, and that means I make mistakes.). Then teach them how to pick up the pieces and move forward toward making decisions that yield better outcomes. They will follow your lead.
CHANGE OUR REACTION…CHANGE THE TRAJECTORY
He’s 4.
The temptation to dump the entire box of blocks was just too much. The sound, the colors, the scatter of hundreds of blocks…GLORIOUS!
For his parent? The sound, the colors and the scatter of hundreds of blocks produced a much different reaction: Stress! What a mess!
For many reading this, the initial response from the parent is predictable and understandable.
‘That’s was bad’.
‘That’s not what your supposed to do’.
‘You made a mess, clean it up now!’
That reaction could surely create some big behaviors and a power struggle. Why? Because the child saw nothing wrong with what they did, so the parent’s reaction doesn’t make sense to them. Why clean this masterpeice up?
What if we didn’t react in that way? What if we saw ‘the mess’ through the lens of the child: as an opportunity!?!
This happened in one of my recent sessions. I felt the tension in the parent as the blocks scattered everywhere. I understood what they were feeling. I totally got it.
My reaction to the mess? “Wow!”
(I felt that ‘wow’ captured both the mild heart attack as well as the awe of so many blocks going everywhere.)
And then, we played.
We bulldozed all the blocks into a big pile and made truck sounds while we were doing it. We stacked as many blocks as we could using our fingers and rolled on our backs when the tower collapsed, as if we were collapsing, too. We lined up the blocks in color order, and then messed it up again. Then, we took our hands and pretended to be giant cranes, scooping up as many blocks as we could and dropping them in the box.
And by doing that, we just cleaned up. I ackowledged the cleaning up and we gleefully moved on to something else.
The mess was gone and the stress was gone. What we got was some great sensory play, color matching, cause/effect, fine motor coordination, graded control, imitation and imagination, all while holding the expectation that if we have a spill, we have to clean it up. Everybody won.
Here’s a truth bomb: It’s really, REALLY hard to stay regulated when there are spills, breaks or messes! The dysregulation can seem to be instantaneous, but how we react can change the trajectory of the situation. Approaching the situation from a place of calm can lead to a strong sense of connection and felt safety in the child. To raise our voice and immediately insist that the child clean up the mess sends a confusing and scary message that they did something wrong, when they were really just being a kid.
It's not easy.
It takes work.
We’re going to mess up, and that’s ok…we’re learning. Give yourself grace.
Staying regulated and connected with a child is so important. It also feels better for everyone! And when we mess up, we repair and try again. You got this!
Greg Santucci, Occupational Therapist
www.gregsantucci.com
