A Beautifully Broken Life.

12/23/2025

Laying in bed. I hear the princess laughing at the tv and it makes my heart happy. I cannot put into words how much I love this kid.

12/18/2025

I’m a pro

12/16/2025

Fitting that today the princess turned 15 and I just got a call to schedule surgery number 15

12/16/2025

15yrs ago the princess dad kissed my belly and told her he couldn’t wait to meet her. She kicked him in the mouth. We knew she was going to be amazing.

Happy birthday to the most amazing person I know. You have changed my life for the better. I hope you have the best day. I am so lucky I get to be your mom.

12/16/2025

This !!

12/14/2025

For 15th birthday we did a small family joint party with my brother. It was fun and a great time. Night ends and everything goes home then it is just me and Ella. She got overwhelmed so wanted to go to stretch out in bed. Then is sobbing in bed because she didn’t want people to leave. Mom is crying on the couch with mom guilty. I want to fix everything for her. I want to make it so a little party isn’t so overwhelming. I want her to be able to open her own gifts. I want to be able to give her the world . Yet I never know what to get her. I want to be able to give her a huge swimming party every year. I want to make her so happy to make up for how hard her life is.

I know I’m supposed to be happy with my life. Supposed to be glad I still have her but really it’s hard. I want so much for her. I want things to be easier for her.

I post pictures of our fun times but can’t tell you how many times I hide afterwards crying.

12/11/2025

Tomorrow will be 15 yrs since I had the ultrasound. The ultrasound that was just supposed to show us how big she was going to be The ultrasound that would change my life forever.

I was admitted to the hospital for high blood pressure a few days before. They wanted to do an ultrasound to see how big she would be if they took her at 37weeks. When the ultrasound was done and the tech said the Dr will come talk to you about the results I knew something was wrong

I sat in my bed all alone waiting for the pediatrician to come talk to me. When he came in he didn’t have much info but said there was something wrong with my baby’s brain. Didn’t mention the brain bleed just that the ventricles in her head were enlarged. Said we would have to go up to Seattle childrens a few days after she was born. Was told we may want to pack a bag because they don’t know what will happen.

4 days later they took her via c section. She was the most amazing little baby I had ever seen. Perfect in every way

3 days after she was born we were made our first of hundreds of visits to Seattle children’s. We would find out she had a brain bleed and they think it was all caused from strokes before she was born.

15 yrs later and I still remember like it was yesterday.

12/10/2025

The princess is not able to do a lot with her hands. She doesn’t have a lot of control of them and they don’t do what she wants.
This being said if she is in bed watching tv without a shirt she will work over and over again until she gets her feeding tube off. So I will go to check on her and there is food all over her bed and her. I ask her if she did that and she smiles so proud of herself. I want to be mad because this is a huge mess to clean up but seeing how proud she is just makes me laugh.

12/10/2025

May have pointed out the handicap sign today to a mom taking up two spots just to sit and talk to her daughter in the car before drop off.
If these people could live in the life of severe special needs family for one day they would be happy they don’t “get” a handicap placard.

12/05/2025

Special needs mom guilt is unrelenting and will go to dark places. I don’t want to decorate this year. I’m not in the mood. I can’t get in the rafters alone and I just don’t wanna. Then the guilt creeps in.
It makes Ella happy and she doesn’t get a lot.
What if this was her last Christmas and you didn’t decorate
You’re a bad mom if you don’t decorate.

That is just a few of the places sever special needs mom guilt goes. I know I’m not the only one.

12/04/2025