Lantz Counseling, PLLC

01/09/2025

We've moved A LOT in the last 4 years... And when I say a lot, I mean like 11 times. Too many. And recently someone said to me that you bring the sense of home with you. It's not dependent on geography. It's a feeling inside of you. "Home is where the heart is."

hmmmmm. NO. While I agree that inner peace must be cultivated and nurtured, our environment absolutely has an impact on how we feel. Our feelings are the bits and bytes of information about our lives, our choices, and our outer world. And we need a home. We need a base. We need a nest. We need roots.

Moving is destabilizing. It's stressful. And the nervous system is constantly surveying... not only for safety, but also for certainty. It's saying, "I need to get to know this environment. I need some predictability. I need roots. I need familiarity. I need to be able to shut off because I'm at peace surrounded by what is both familiar, and safe."

We can't exhale when we're always bracing ourselves. We can't exhale when we're always preparing for battle or for escape. Where you choose to live, who you choose to share life with, the choices that compose your life... they're all signalling to you whether you're okay or not... and whether you can trust yourself to have access to your voice to express yourself when needed.

What does "home" feel like to you? What are some non-negotiables about the space you inhabit that you need to feel at ease?

I'm excited to share that Kylie, Jasper and I are moving back to Calgary in February... excited to put down roots in the place I was first a seed... and to integrate back into the community.

01/09/2025

…..and a lack of emotional safety creates attachment ruptures and attachment ruptures, when repeated consistently, cause insecure attachment……so HOW you disagree about even seemingly inconsequential topics can make the difference between secure and insecure attachment. All couples disagree about things, and some disagreements are truly deal breakers, but disagreements don’t create insecure attachment. For more information on how to do it differently,, see my “negative cycle” highlight (circles on top of my grid) or my book “Secure Love” by Julie Menanno.❤️

01/09/2025

Co-dependency is a fear response. Secure attachment creates safety and eliminates the need for co-dependency. ❤️

01/25/2024

Your kids don’t assess your love for them based on snapshot moments. ⁠
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That doesn’t mean that these snapshots don’t count - of course they do. ⁠
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We all remember horrible experiences when our parents or primary caregivers made us feel unloved and unwanted. ⁠
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But there’s a crucial difference between these unwanted outbursts coming from adult you and the outbursts you experienced as a child. ⁠
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And that is CONTEXT. ⁠
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If you didn’t hear the words: ‘I love you’ or ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘It wasn’t your fault’ or ‘You cannot disappoint me’ or ‘You are the most important thing in my life’ or ‘You don’t need to be or do anything in order to be loveable’ as a child…

…then there was no loving verbal context into which these outbursts could be inserted. ⁠
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If you didn’t receive: spontaneous cuddles, long hugs, unexpected kisses or handholding, and instead, remember spanking, slapping, hitting or pushing, then there was no loving physical context into which these outbursts could be inserted. ⁠
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That’s ALL there was.

And nothing else to fall back on. ⁠
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Which is why whichever harsh words were spoken and cruel actions were enacted, these were seared into your mind as the TRUTH about you. ⁠
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But you, on the other hand, DO express your love in words and actions on a continually basis. ⁠
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So that the times that your words and actions aren’t in alignment with how you feel, aren’t all there is for your children to base their sense of self-worth upon. ⁠
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It’s all about context.

Your childhood was, and will continue to be, very different to theirs because you are working so hard to make it so ♥️
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⁠Join me and a global community of mamas healing alongside you on the Making Peace With Your Past programme. Self-led and self-paced, your membership is for life, and you will receive ongoing peer-to-peer support in a members’-only Facebook group, as well as twice-monthly, live Q&A telephone calls with me, for individual coaching through whatever has come up for you. ⁠
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Doors open very soon - grab your spot on the waiting list to be the first to know (see https://www.laviniabrown.com/making-peace-with-your-past or leave me a 👍🏼 to be added on!) ❤️

12/06/2023

Many of us are still learning. Give yourself (and others) grace.

12/03/2023

In the 1950’s and 1960’s Dr. John Bowlby created attachment theory as a way to help explain how a child’s relationships with their closest caregivers can impact emotional health and behaviors throughout life. From the 1970’s to the 1990’s, Bowlby joined forces with Mary Ainsworth and other prominent researches to categorize attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, etc). Since Bowlby originally formulated his theory, attachment theory has more research behind it than any other psychological theory in existence. In the 1990’s researchers (Hazan and Shaver most notably) began directly applying attachment theory to adult romantic relationships. Dr Sue Johnson took it a step further and created a modality (an instruction manual so to speak) for couples therapists to use attachment theory to help distressed couples find secure attachment. This modality is called “Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples.” The information on my account reflects my own decade of study of attachment theory and clinical work using EFT to treat couples. You can find an EFT therapist in your area by visiting ICEEFT.com (or you can check out my EFT staff at thesecurerelationship.com for online work). Dr Sue Johnson has a book called “Hold Me Tight” which is a must-read for anyone wanting to learn more about using attachment theory to heal their relationship.🪴

11/23/2023

Just a reminder for the day..

11/15/2023

Many things about relationships involve two truths which are to some degree contradictory and are “paradoxes to be managed, not problems to be solved.”
Another phrase I like is “Both are true.” Partners with anxious attachments develop anxious attachments in large part because they grow up with unpredictable access to emotional comfort and connection. This leaves them with a nagging feeling of insecurity….like the rug can be pulled out from under them at any moment. Because of this insecurity, they have a hard time tolerating the unknown. As adults, when conflict with their partner arises, they feel intense distress and a strong urge to resolve things right then and there. While it’s important to honor the anxious partner’s need for predictability, their partner also has needs and often those needs involve taking space to process. It’s also true that some problems can’t be resolved right then and there. Maybe the setting or time isn’t right. Maybe it will take multiple conversations to work through everything.
What is the answer? The answer is to work toward both….the relationship should be set up to honor the anxious partner’s need for predictability to the extent which that is possible and appropriate to an adult relationship AND for the anxious partner to learn to manage their painful feelings in the unavoidable times in which they will have to tolerate the unknown, and a lack of immediate resolution. Both are true, and it means both partners will need to be flexible and willing to move toward each other without abandoning their own needs, in order to manage this type of paradox.

11/14/2023

Our next live session of Lessons in Love is on December 2-3. This workshop is for single individuals looking to build a happy, healthy romantic relationship. Individuals who are single or in various stages of dating will learn how to apply the Seven Principles to romantic connections, gaining essential skills to build their best relationship yet to come.

Save your seat: https://bit.ly/3SiVej4

11/13/2023