10/05/2022
Do not stay for the sake of the children. It can cause more damage. Posted • .holistic.psychologist Like many people, I witnessed a dysfunctional relationship between my parents. As a kid, I remember having this deep fear they were getting divorced. Because no one talked about emotions or issues that were going on, all I could do was feel them.
As I got older, I have vivid memories of having deep anger towards my mom.
One of the clearest was at a soft ball tournament, where she was cheering me on at a time I wasn’t doing well. Such a benign action sent anger through my entire body. I’ve had many of these moments— that I mostly felt shame around. I’ve seen these same flashes of anger in my siblings.
It took me years to understand what was behind it.
Why would I get so angry at my mom in these seemingly normal moments?
Because they trigger memories of years of the unpressed pain of not having my emotional needs met as a child. I was an afterthought. And when my moms attention was focused on me during performance it triggered memories of just how emotionally absent she actually was.
In my early 30s, my dad pulled up a chair for my mom + I in the kitchen. The family had connected her chronic pain to unresolved trauma + in this moment I was expected to be her therapist.
I sat across from her + my dad. Wondering how many times this was expected of me as a child. I have almost no childhood memories, but these adult situations helped to connect the dots.
One of the beautiful parts of uncovering your past is you understand yourself. And most importantly, you understand there’s an inner child inside of you who’s looking for validation, understanding, + compassion.
It also helps you understand your parents. Not as hero’s or perfect humans (something no one could meet) but as human beings with their own flaws, pain, + generational trauma
