11/07/2025
Autumn in New Jersey has always been an experience of the opposites for me. In my early 30's, I often had an unexpected anxiety that would show up, often intense and full of ambivalence about intangible worry. Yet I always deeply loved the changing color of the leaves, the letting go of the blooms and greening that had filled my gardens in anticipation of the impending winter season. At that time in my life, winters often felt deadened, too quiet, cold and harsh. It was a gift when a mentor, early in my study of sandplay, reflected on Autumn and Winter as a time of letting go, and holding the profound metamorphosis that was quietly occurring in the very inner part of the trees. While the outer covering, the trunk and branches, look deadened, the interior is hard at work preparing for the next cycle. Wow!
The changing color of the leaves has come to hold for me the inevitable cycle of life, death, rebirth, and renewal. The intensifying of the beauty of the color, right before the leaf drops, offers the possibility of pooling energy, allowing it to live in its beauty as it prepares to let go, essentially die, so as to make space for what will come. I find it beautiful that each leaf is unique, and will never come again in the same form. Next year, while the leaves will look familiar, they are each new, fresh, and ready to live their season.
Today, I no longer have the ambivalence around this season. Maybe as a result of my own metamorphosis, which is an ongoing work!, I now embrace the beauty and understand and appreciate the anticipatory work that is preparation for the letting go. Surrender has been a concept that keeps showing up lately. Irish poet John O'Donohue's words resonate deep in the heart..."We live between the act of awakening and the act of surrender".
