01/30/2021
21 years ago today I caught my first baby of my very own practice. It was a boy of a mama that none of the other Midwives would take. She had some emotional issues but was really well informed of birth and knew she struggled but wanted the best for her little one. She was determined, and I was amazed she felt so desperate to choose a brand new midwife and I determined to be the best I could. We only had a few months working together but her homebirth was a sweet and uneventful as could be. I still remember her sitting in the bed after, with her baby nuzzled at her breast and the way the light from the window illuminated her face - she was beaming with accomplishment and love. I remember being exhausted from being up all night plus the adrenaline of being in charge, even great births are charged with a lot of energy, and thinking just seeing her face made it all worth it. It was at that moment that I thought, “I’m a midwife, it’s who I am now”.
My family has sacrificed a lot over the years so I could live out this calling. My body has paid the price of years of on-call stress and lack of sleep. I’ve used a lot of my income to pay for alternative medicine that counteracts the adrenal fatigue and ravages of autoimmune issues but I’ve met the most amazing physicians, Chinese medicine doctors, chiropractors and massage therapists that I believe have enriched my knowledge I pass in to my clients.
I’m not sure how many years I have left to practice but I do know that birth also imprints on my heart each and every time. Each one alike yet so very different. I’ve gotten to know women and families of every culture, ethnicity, religion, women married, some alone, some waiting for a baby for years, others surprised to be pregnant, some giving their child up. I’ve seen the most supportive fathers, witnessed others who have strayed, and a few who were just plain as****es (thankfully just a few). Most births have been amazingly wonderful while others shook me to my core and made me doubt that I wanted to walk the line between living and dying. The most traumatic being a baby with both her arms up behind her back entangled in her cord and severely stuck. I had nothing left but to break her arm to get her out and then resuscitate her all the while another mama was heading to the birth center. Mama and baby went to the hospital while I washed blood and amniotic fluid from the depths of my body, closed her birth room door that looked like a trauma bay and smile as the next woman walked in and act as if I didn’t have anything in the world to think of but her. Multitasking and compartmentalizing are traits I’ve honed and wonder what that will help me with as I look forward to other seasons in my life. Twenty one years and a lot of Mothers, babies and families. It’s been a wild, beautiful, scary and amazing ride!
We have a new student starting in 2 weeks. I’m praying for her journey to be easier than mine was. That somehow we can impart our wisdom and knowledge to her and that she can soak it up and as a result be light years ahead of what I had to go through in the early years. I pray she becomes an incredible, loving and SMART midwife who takes chances when she should and knows the difference when not to, and develops the backbone to make the hard decisions pregnant women often don’t like their Midwives to make.
These are my pondering this January 30th, 21 years after my first primary birth. To God be the glory!
