01/27/2026
I hope you read this caption. This feels important.
Imagine that you are someone who is always running late. You've worked at it, but you can never seem to get it together to be on time. One day someone is really late for you, and it spurs something in you. You're going to try out some new practices tomorrow to see if you can show up to your coffee date with a friend on time. And it works! You show up a few minutes early, even, and she's there's to greet you. But instead of being met with a hug, she looks at you snidely and says, "Well, well, well... look who finally figured out how to set an alarm?"
Our friend is clearly annoyed or hurt from enough experiences of waiting for you. Her agitation is valid.
But her comments are very unlikely to make you prioritize being on time again. In fact, you might not schedule coffee dates at all.
Humans don't respond to shame. We just don't.
We shut down. We contract. We hide.
We certainly don't do more of the brave and hard things.
And whether we think it should be a matter of bravery or strength to put the dishes away or plan a date night or change our political leanings — well, that's somewhat irrelevant if we want more of it.
My advice whether it's in couples therapy or parenting a teen or responding a high school friend who is finally recognizing how problematic things are is to... thank them. Eek, I know, I know. It means swallowing our pride. It means working out those feelings of hurt and harm separately (and YES, they may need and deserve to be processed and worked through), but just not in the very moment they are finally doing the thing you've wanted them to do.
Don't punish the behavior you want to see more of. Let's not work against ourselves.